Not Tuesday

You may have noticed that is it not Tuesday.

For once it's not that I'm late, lazy, or both. I have decided to post only once a week for now, and that once being Wednesday.

In the spirit of keeping up with other shit I have to do, least of which is to find a steady income, I would also like to maybe focus what very small amount of writing and creative thought I may glimmer from time to time, on other projects. So for now I'm going to attempt a once a week posting schedule. On Wednesdays.

Oh and I plan on changing this thing up one of these days/weeks/months. A lot. Because come on. Don't even.

How sad is it that Paul Walker just up and died, in a cool car going fast, that crashed, caught fire, and exploded.

Which is exactly how his character in the "The Fast and the Furious" movies likely would of eventually died. What kind of sick cosmic irony is that?

I guess he died how he lived.

Hopefully I don't die while not living up to my potential, in my apartment, mid-afternoon, jobless, without pants, and eating chicken nuggets.

See you guys next Humpday. You freaks.

Gray Thursday

Anyone notice how Black Friday is pretty much over before Friday even starts? The fuck America? Figures we would take an already F'ed up day of consumerism and somehow bastardize it more than it already is. God we're good at shit like that.

What's the death toll this year? That's my favorite. Reading about how many people died by being crushed to death while trying to get Tickle-Me-Elmo on sale so they can make ungrateful children happy for 6 minutes.

I just don't even. I don't even know.

I wanted to go on a rant right here. About where we are as a species, but I'll skip that soapbox and give you the summarized version of my rant.

As a species we've conquered the world, traveled to space (A LOT), collided atoms together in ways that could have ended all existence, fought wars and had strife, experienced social change and revolution, made science and technology our bitch, and all so that in 2013 we can accidentally murder each other for DVDs. It blows my fucking mind. We've come a long ass way just to act like ignorant assholes.

I'm not condemning consumerism, shit, I love stuff. I want more stuff. I want to be rich just so I can fill my life with tons of useless stuff.

But I don't necessarily want to trample people to death because the most important thing in my life is a sale on that stuff.

Stop act'n so cray-cray.

I Had a Dream

Story of my Fraking life. Laying in bed last night I had an idea for what to ramble on about today but by now I have completely forgotten what it was. (While writing this I got inadvertently reminded what it was by a random text from my sister, timing for the MF win)

Dreams, we all have them. I don't mean aspirations for the future, I mean those movies in your head while you sleep.

My dreams are always either some random crazy ass adventure, or so heavily plot driven it's suspicious. Some of the more complicated ones coming fully equipped with story progression, character development, and twists! What the fuck subconscious, how much time do you spend on these?

Some of the things I've done whilst asleep in just the last week -

1) I was leader of an alien invasion resistance, in which I met with the Admiral of the alien fleet and tried to talk things out (Didn't work), along with coordinating battle plans and executing general resistance. (I want to let everyone know I'm not qualified to lead such a resistance and in the case this actually happens, please don't appoint me leader, because it will surely be our doom)

2) I and a group of random characters from real life fought off a swarm of giant spiders in some sort of underground facility, using swords and other melee weapons. (If not for the cool swords and stuff, this would of been simply a nightmare)

3) I and a group of friends and family fought for survival during a Zombie Apocalypse. (Classic me)

4) I time traveled to Ancient Rome with some high school classmates and looked for both specific historical figures and proper footwear for the journey. (I made the mistake of wearing flip-flops and on the apparently very likely chance I was running or fighting I wanted to not die in flip-flops)

5) Told a random person inside my dream, that we were inside my dream, blew his mind, and had a long philosophical discussion with him about the fact I was essentially talking to a character I created, and thus myself. (Not in a crazy talking to myself way, but in a hey, so you're my subconscious, kind of way)

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Brian Griffin. Not all of you, probably very few actually, but some of you watch Family Guy, like myself, and have no doubt seen or heard that Seth decided to kill off poor Brian, the dog.

I'm just as surprised as the rest of you, not as violently angry, but very much surprised.

Sure, it could be true and permanent, but I haven't dismissed the fact that Seth could be trolling us. It's totally something he would do. You know, give us the go around and make us panic, but also setting up a several episode story arch that ends with Brian coming back somehow.

Although it could just be hopeful thinking. My main point of suspicion lands on the "new dog" who seems to be too much of a blatant tool to have on the show as a real character for any extended period of time. You know, he just kind of seems like a joke.

I would think that this is a disaster that Seth is too smart to create. Unless of course he's bored and wants to change something just for the sake of turbulence. In that case yes he probably killed Brian off forever. It could go either way and certainly isn't set in stone so I'm not one to assume that it's super mega forever permanent. Though it very well could be. Who knows.

This Literally Just Happened

Slow your roll guys. Can't have too much about respect and coexistence up in here. That would be terrible. Just awful.

Awful has a funny meaning these days doesn't it? It means terrible, bad, etc, you know, generally negative things, what's up with that? It literally is supposed to mean full of awe, like, awe inspiring and wondrous. How did it end up meaning terrible? Somebody clearly dropped that fucking ball, and there's always one of those guys.

Shit, there's another one, guy, did you know that was originally derogatory? It was offensive in back-in-the-day England to call someone a guy, but now it's all just another word for like man and dude and shit. Guy meant grotesque and poorly dressed. Something in reference to that Guy Fawkes fellow as it would seem. Everything we used to know is a lie! It's like we live in the freaking Matrix.

Which oddly enough, matrix, used to mean pregnant animal, yet now it seems to have more to do with science and technology than it does with any actual animal husbandry.

If you've ever thought the idea of animal husbandry as strange, husbanding animals, gross, isn't that illegal? You are in fact wrong, husband, literally had once referred to ownership, not marital status as it does today.

Not to mention the way we use literal is literally not the way it was originally meant to be used, not as we often do now for emphasis, but more to put something in the context of it's original and unaltered text. Isn't learning shit nice?

Can't stop this knowledge train now, because you mother-F-Bombs are about to be hit with one more. Learning shit is in fact NOT nice, because in ye-olden days nice actually meant ignorant and foolish.

Looks like nice guys do literally finish last, because they ignorant, poorly dressed, and awfully incorrect.

That feeling in your skull? Right behind the eyes, yeah, that one? That's your mind being blown. Boom.

Reality and Similar Illusions

Two posts in two days OMGERD it must be Christmas for you people.

Having not often received any constructive feedback on hardly any posts I have made, it is sometimes hard to tell what I want to say because I honestly don't know what you want to read, I usually default to profanity and what I consider comical observation in an effort to fill the space.

I have always been interested in talking more about ideas such as the ones I discussed yesterday but being somewhere between modest and uncertain of myself I have always assumed that nobody needs to hear my bullshit ideas on stuff that I'm not qualified to talk about.

But it dawns on me, I don't give a shit whether or not you think I'm qualified, so eat my ass.

Having gotten what might be considered semi positive feedback from expressing actual ideas about actual things, I've long-windedly decided to maybe try talking more about those types of topics, just to change it up.

Welcome to The Shit I Think. Where's my fucking soapbox...

"A belief should be tested, trained, and exercised like anything else, if you want it to be true and strong." - A quote by ME, bitches.

Last post I ranted and raved about equality of opinion and further than that, lifestyle. What I expressed wasn't meant only to encompass things people think but all aspects of being a free individual.

I believe it is not morally okay to label and judge certain lifestyle choices that don't fit into what you believe to be "right". I like to remember and consider that not everyone believes what I believe, nor should they, and by that standard I can't rightfully or truly consider someone in a negative light for doing something that "I" wouldn't do.

To clarify with an example, when someone calls another person that is more sexual promiscuous a "whore" or some similar degrading title. I always personally try to avoid situations like that with negative social labels, while I'm not perfect of course and probably fall pray to that mindset from time to time, I feel it is not my place to judge a person. They may not believe that there is anything wrong with how they act and to be honest it's their life and their choices, I have no place condemning such behavior just because I might not agree. To appeal to religious people, you are not God, so let God judge that person if they must be judged, and to appeal to non-religious people, it's not at all your business, scientific or otherwise, to even care how another person runs their life so long as it doesn't somehow interfere with yours.

This is also a hard sort of personal doctrine to have because with my sort of open minded think-what-you-think view on beliefs I sort of contradict myself with labeling anything as morally wrong. It's a philosophical burden and there is no way around it I fear, I only try to justify it with this and that and hoping it to be as polished and shiny as any belief system can be.

One way to justify acting cordial towards those you disagree with is simply the old saying and golden rule, "treat others as you would be treated." We've all heard it before but somehow it doesn't hold true for so many people because they either neglect to consider it or consider the person to be somehow less than they are and thus the rule less applicable. Dicks.

For a smoother running planet I believe we should often stop and consider the golden rule though. I would imagine we ALL want people to respect us and treat us with respect, right? We can certainly buy that respect with ease by simply returning the favor.

I'm not even certain what I am trying to say at this point. But I'll tie things up in a me kind of way.

There are over 7 Billion people on this planet. Don't be a fucking idiot, of course not everyone will agree with you or think exactly like you do.

How the hell are there so many ignorant people that honestly believe that they miraculously happen to be the one person on the planet who has EVERYTHING right? Or even that they belong to the group that has everything right? AND only because they were born into the exact right family, society, culture, and religion that was in fact exactly right. Good job. Crazy how lucky these people got.

Even from a religious standpoint, the majority religion in the world right now is Christianity at about 1/3 the planet. Say that Christians are right about it all, that would still imply that MORE people are wrong than right, that twice the amount of people are wrong. And that's best case scenario. God forbid (zing) that one of the smaller groups is actually right.

Mathematically this of course doesn't bode well for humanity, unless we adopt a more accepting outlook and maybe just living the best we can is good enough and we don't have to murder each other just to be slightly more right than someone else in an ironic way that only proves how much we suck by contradicting everything we think we're about.

Challenge your ideas, consider other beliefs and views, have a good humored argument with someone different than you. Grow the fuck up and stop being a little bitch about it.

Me? On Time? Never!

Yes, it's not Thursday, and to be honest, I usually post late anyways. I'm sure you've noticed.
If I was good at meeting deadlines and getting things done on time I'd probably have an advanced degree and a good job. But I don't and I'm not. You might even say I'm super super late, at this point.

So lets all just move past any expectations we might have.

I had a discussion the other day in which I had to defend the idea of hunting to a vegetarian who found it cruel and evil. Being that most of the people I love and respect are hunters, I wasn't having that shit, not one bit.

She meant well, she thought she was standing up for animals, but what she didn't know is that blind idealism can lead to a sort of silent evil. The kind that stems from being misinformed or brought to believe something, or anything, as a clear black and white issue where there is a wrong and a right. "Good" and "Bad" are hard words to define because as illustrated by this woman, there are infinite ways one can be good or bad and most situations can be made up of both good and bad. I'm hesitant to even try to define what is good and what is bad. To her hunters are bad, but to me, blindly judging someone is bad. Obviously we can't both be right, or if we are, that would mean we were also both wrong.

Opinions are dangerous that way.

Before getting into philosophy I want to round back to my point. For me the only way to solve such a conundrum is to decide that (within reason) all beliefs and opinions are valid and respectable in and of the context they are created. For her it is okay to believe hunting is evil and to refrain from doing so herself, but without judging or condemning those that do so. That to me is and always will be the best way to exist on a planet full of such a variety of opinions and beliefs. Respect and an open mind. After all it isn't my place to tell someone else what to believe and I want the respect of that same treatment in return. The only way for us as a race to truly coexist is to accept that others may be just as right as we are, and that we may be just as wrong as they are.

It is often those with a good heart that judge the most, and those with malice in their heart that judge the least. A selfish or malicious person probably doesn't care enough to judge anyone, why would they? But often I find it is the people who mean well that are the first to judge and condemn. Not to pick on religion, but that is of course a good example Religion is first and foremost a fantastic premise and idea to unite and better people, but one that often leads to the persecution and judgement of others in an attempt to "better" the world.

Here's an extreme example for you. Hitler, in his mind, was trying to better his country and the world. But he did so by harshly judging and condemning those that were different and those that didn't agree with his opinion on how to "better" the world.


Don't be a judgemental asshole. Respect others for fucks sake. That includes what they believe.


Don't be Hitler.




*I would like to clarify a few logical issues with what I present. Of course if I believe all opinions are valid and nobody is wrong, I'm clearly saying Hitler's opinion also wasn't wrong. But that's of course incorrect, I would never think that, I'm operating under the basic assumption that we all have human rights that can loosely define what is actually evil or wrong. Those human rights involve but might not be limited too the right to life and freedom. Meaning that if somebody has an opinion that actively upsets one of these rights, THAT opinion is of course invalid. Such as murder, mutilation, slavery, theft, and those types of offenses that impose on somebodies ability to be free, alive, and happy.

**This has been a public service announcement. Paid for by the Don't be a Dick Foundation.

***Don't be a dick. You dick.

Too Stupid to Figure it Out

So funny and offensive thing I accidentally said the other day.

There I was, chatting with my sister, and we were on the subject of lesbians for one reason or another, and then in that context I referred to "straight women", except I called them "real women" instead.

Which obviously implies that homosexual women aren't real women, which made me pause and chuckle in a concerned kind of way. I was suddenly worried that maybe I was a bigot. This of course can't be true.

You might be saying, "Well yeah, we've read your blog, no shit you're a bigot"

Yeah well fuck you buddy. I'm so totally not. Are you even reading what I'm typing? I say offensive things because I am ever a fan of cheap laughs and outrageous bits. I didn't mean a single one of the rude, appalling, offensive, mean, judgemental, or hideously prejudice things I've said. Except about the French.

Screw those people.

No Such Thing as a Free Lunch?

My ass there isn't. About to get me some free lunches up in this be-otch. (Oregon State Nutritional Assistance)

Just until I get a job. I'm not a hypocrite I swear. (I probably am)

All apparently funded by medical marijuana too, upper-case 'G' god-bless these crazy ass liberals.

Lucky for them I have enough shame and self respect to really hate getting money designated for poor people. Pshhh, like I'm some sort of poor person. Gross.

I'm joking you over sensitive pricks. I love poor people! Just like I love Blacks, Asians, Indians, Gays, Women, Hippies, Liberals, Midgets, Albinos, Mexicans, Italians, Foreigners, Canadians, Eskimos and whatever other bullshit categories we place people into when they don't look and act exactly like myself.

Well not the French. Don't love them. That's just not okay. Why would you even bring them up?

I'm not jingoistic, who told you that? That's libel is what that is. I'll see you in court.

Gavel.

No Shave No Pants

I've never been able to participate in No Shave November. On account that every month is basically no shave month because I just couldn't grow hair on my face to save my life.

If somebody pointed a gun at my face and said 'grow some fucking facial hair or I'll shoot you!' I'd try my hardest but would probably just have to take the bullet.

If my life was a movie it would be called "No Reason to Where Pants" and Michael Bay would direct it. I'd have him fill it with explosions and loud noises but in reality it would be me job hunting on the Internet because nobody takes physical applications anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I hate pants. I fucking hate pants, but now that I'm here it would be nice to have a reason to put some on once in a while.

God forbid the building ever catch on fire. I'd be so excited about putting on pants I'd forget to leave and burn to death. Would have to re-title the movie "Killed By Pants" and I would probably need Tarantino to direct that one.

I could make it a trilogy and have Peter Jackson do it...

I haven't shaved or worn pants in a while...I guess that was my point.

Stop the ladies at the door because they can't handle this level of success.

Except in the movie that would be Samuel L. Jackson's line and he would probably say it more like this... "You best be stopping those mutha fuckin' bitches at that door, they can't even fucking handle this success, don't make me tell your ass twice!"

I guess the third movie would need to be titled "Found a Reason to Wear Pants But Still Has Not Bothered to Shave Though You Can't Tell Because He Doesn't Really Have Much Facial Hair Anyway". I wonder if they have limits on how long a title can be. It's my movie I'll do what I want.

I would obviously be played by Brad Pitt. Attractive but approachable, like myself.

Tickets on sale now, premiers in select theaters on April 20th, 2014.

It's Always Sunny in Ohio

Dear Hallowieners,

I just wanted an excuse to incorporate wiener into another word, this worked out, thanks.

Love, Me

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Anyways, in effort to make myself remotely useful, I've recently been helping a friend of mine from across the country start up her own blog. It'll surely be about all manner of insightful girly things that will have you both nodding in agreement and cursing men forever.

The smart, the beautiful, the one and only, the blondish, other descriptive words!

The Thing You're About to Click

Give her some love you jerks. But not too much love, slow down, you weirdos.

At least I'm promoting someone else instead of myself, right guys?


Halloween. The holiday where we are supposed to check candy for razorblades and such. In case some nutbag is sitting at home stuffing tiny knives into Tootsie Rolls.

Most of you back in Minnesota probably have had at least a little snow by now. Ha. Haha. Hahahaha. Fuck snow.

I apparently don't have much to say today...

Lucky you.

Two in the Bush

Ha! I didn't post on Saturday. I was testing you. And 25 of you win. Because 25 people checked on Saturday anyway. Hey thanks. The rest of you suck.

So in the past I've ranted about bird related things, such as the saying "kill two birds with one stone" and today I have another bird related phrase to shout about, no big surprise there.

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."

Well first, wtf is our problem with birds? We really had it out for those little bastards at one point in time. Apparently all we did was sit around and talk about birds.

The fuck is that. I don't know what kind of crazy shitbag was trying to figure out the value of birds in different contexts.

Like he ran around all day figuring this shit out. "Well one bird in a hand is worth two inside a bush, and two birds in a bush is worth about 4 inside a basket, now, birds in trees, they're worth about 1.5 birds in a hand but only 3 birds in a bush." Get a god damn job, because it sure as shit isn't counting birds.

A person should just be happy he caught a damn bird with his hands. That imagine that shit gets challenging.

Haven't they ever heard don't count your chickens before they hatch? This guy sounds like he was definitely trying to count his chickens. And who would of fucking guessed, that's about birds too.


Stop counting and comparing your birds and just enjoy the birds you have.


See what I did there? Yeah, I made it a metaphor, I told you this shit was getting fancy.

Blood, Hair, and Semen

Since the last post was just me whining.

Well, I'd like to think I tried to make it more than JUST whining, but you know how I am.

Anyways I suppose I'll do another post, hopefully with more content.

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So... months ago when money was tight, in which is still definitely is by the way, I decided to look into what types of renewable stuff a person can sell off of or out of his own body.

Blood, bone-marrow, hair, and semen.

Let's start with semen. (That's what she said)

As it turns out, nobody wants my DNA babies, because on reading about it, they are obviously selective about who they purchase from. They want tall, good health, in good shape, etc. I am in fact, short, fat, and stupid. Making the chances of anyone giving me so much as a nickel for the ol' gene 'pool' unlikely.

Hair, I believe I'm starting the very first stages of hair loss. That's it. No jokes. Just less hair.

Bone-marrow I could probably do. I won't, because they stick a giant needle into your hip or femur or something to retrieve it. Too bad because I probably have amazing marrow AND it's remaining inside my bones.

Blood/plasma is the Winner! I would probably have to not drink any sort of alcohol which would be a shame to say the least. But I could totally probably sell plasma.

Also, ladies, you can sell your eggs for like a bazillion dollars. It's fairly invasive, but if I had eggs I'd be doling them out left and right for the prices they potentially go for. Of course I'd be terrible at being a woman, the shit I would get into. Wow. It would be like Miley Cyrus collides with Lindsay Lohan collides with a pinch of Sandra Bullock.

OH! Side Note: one of the downsides people wrote for donating semen was the idea of potentially having hundreds of unknown genetic descendants running around being a negative thing.

HOW IS THIS A DOWNSIDE?! I would absolutely love knowing that my genes were overrunning the countryside. I think it would be neat as shit. Don't worry, I'm sure they have good families. Nobody pays thousands of dollars for someone else's spunk just to neglect the outcome.

Suppose that was more of an Under Note than a Side Note...

My Foot is Down

Okay, so I play it up like I don't mind when you don't read this. But it's a lie. I totally expect all of you to read this.

Friends and family especially. You don't get to be friends and family without supporting my bullshit cockamamie ass interests.

You show up when I post on the MyFace but when I don't spam you, you don't come.

Well, new rule. You shut your damn mouth, sit down, and put your fucking email address in the box thingy on the right. I'm not asking. I'm telling. If you don't get an email every time I so much as fucking fart, I'm going to disown you and probably take you off the Christmas Mailing list and think you're a bad stupid poopy face.

So just do it you turd sandwiches. I hate having to solicit for viewers on Facebook like some sort of homeless liberal hippy asshole.

The job hunt is going fantastic BTW. People are lining up to hire me, I can't even decide who I like better. This is in no way an exaggerated lie.

Walkie-Talkie

Ever notice how stupid of a name Walkie-Talkie is?

Sure, it's descriptive and shit, but imagine if the guy who named it that named other things.

The world would be a dangerously descriptive place right now.

Cars would be called Drivey-Get Places, guns would be called Shooty-Deathy, and dogs would be called Barky-Bitey.

Obviously that sounds stupid ridiculous and we're all lucky that guy was only fortunate enough to name Two-Way Radios. What kind of asshole was he? Hopefully he's dead now. Deady-In-The-Groundy.

Completely off topic, if you are interested in always being aware of when a new post is posted, on the right of this there should be a place to enter an email address, put yours in there and you will get an automatic email every time I post. Takes all the guess work out of it for you, I know you hate guessing.

But really, I appreciate the 6 of you that read this, probably all related to me too, I'm just trying to make it easy for you.

I'll keep it short and sweet today.

Chill Bro

All I have today is this one single link.

America

That means click it.

United Nations

There I am. Living somewhere where I'm the minority.

Not the city itself, but the apartment complex area thing has very few people of my specific background.

Next to me is some sort of Asian, I would be more specific but I have not become acquainted. Below me is some sort of Middle-Easterner, again, my lack of specification isn't racism, well not very much racism, a little bit of it, maybe, kitty corner and below me is some sort of Hispanic. Across the way is a crazy Russian guy. Etc.

My point is that not only am I (a White English Speaking American Male) the minority, but I also have the worst car in the lot. They all have new, fancy, and often even American made vehicles.

Damn. And this whole time I thought I had an unfair advantage. Damn foreigners making me look bad in my own country...

I jest, I love all these brown/yellow/slightly toasted people.

They clearly go to school at the U of O, most of them, but what do they need brand new $50,000-$100,000 cars for? Or rather, what do they do when they go home? Sell them? Bring them with? They clearly bought it when they came over, they surely don't have the money to just buy a car to use for 6 months and call it good, do they?

Maybe we should all go over there and make fucking shoes and shit.

It clearly worked for them.

So anyways, hey, it's Thursday and I made it on schedule. Whew. I'll be seeing you mixed bag of nuts on Saturday. That's a promise.

What I Actually Think

So, I've beat this dead horse beyond recognition. But I would very much like to set myself a blogging schedule that I can stick too and make constant and regular updates.

I am open to suggestions, I will ignore every one of them and do what I want, but I'm open to them.

I was thinking maybe trying a Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday schedule?

Three times a week seems more than generous and if you don't like it, well please try because I appreciate you being here and reading this. Hey thanks, you.

I'm counting this one as Tuesdays post, even though it's not so much of a post as it is about posting.

So for the time being, that's my thang. I know only like 2 people actually read this, but if any of you randoms are inclined to start. Now is a good time, what with me scheduling times and being all organized about it.

See you guys Thursday.

Home of the Homeless

Eugene, Oregon.

That clever little title has multiple meanings. That's right, I'm moving up and using doubled meanings in my titles, fucking fancy right? RIGHT?!

But it refers to myself having more or less packed up without a plan and coming West, hoping to find a place to live and a place to work. Leaving me effectively homeless for a while. But it also alludes to the high amount of homeless people in and around Eugene.

That's right. If you've ever watched Disney's Aladdin, street rats, all over. Except they don't have monkey pals or flying carpets, nor do they show much interest in magic...

Anyways, awfully entitled bunch of hippies if you ask me. They sleep in little tent communities downtown and have signs that say shit like, "We have the right to sleep".

I'm not sure what kind of liberal ass bullshit that even is.

Not that they don't, I suppose they do have that right, but to parade around with a sign that says it, what does that even mean? Are they implying that they have the right to sleep wherever they want? I mean, just sleep then, don't go around waving signs at me for me to read way too far into and eventually cause ME to lose sleep as I lay awake at night wondering wtf you mean. You jerks.

Oh and that salsa bar in Carl's Jr. With the complimentary fixings and whatnot, that's not there so you can take 26 cups of salsa, homeless guy. Especially if you drag your dirty sleeve through the little bit of salsa you didn't take.

I'm not judging him for being homeless, homeless or not, I don't like dirty sleeves in my fast food toppings.

And an awful lot of them have cell phones and tobacco products. Odd. Odd indeed.

Almost like for most of them it's a lifestyle choice because they big hippies.

Big. Damn. Hippies. I blame the intense amount of liberal idealism in the area. It's all artistic and free thinking. Gross. What happened to being productive and having deep repressed anger issues and hating things that are different or new?

America.

Public Urination 2011

Some of you might know this story, some of you might not. I had originally posted this on a friends blog and agreed not to double post, but I haven't heard from that shit in forever and a lot of you probably weren't able to navigate the interwebs and find it on his blog back when it was originally posted. I don't blame you, it's not your fault that you're bad at the internet. I guess. Either way, here is that story, a favorite of mine. Boom.

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Two feet planted as firmly as a drunken asshole can plant them, dick in hand, urinating figure 8's on the side of some guys car in a mostly empty parking lot a 3 a.m.


That's where I found myself when a man on a bicycle pulls up and inquires upon what the hell I'm doing. In which I answered with a simple, "I had to pee".

After a few confusing question, confusing like, "what's your address?" and "can I see your I.D.?" It slowly occurs to my intoxicated mind that this guy might or might not be a Police Officer.

I stumbled through giving him an incorrect address due to the fact that my drunk ass simply couldn't remember. I then obediently handed him my I.D.

I continued to wonder why this guy on the bike was so interested in what I was doing. Remembering, "Oh yeah, he's a Cop, I think."

He noticed some other hooligans trying to go about their business and commands me to stay put, I oblige and try to continue standing while looking at his bike and reading...P-O-L-I-C-E on the side. "Shit" I think to myself, I consider hopping on the bike and peddling off, but I remember, he has my I.D.

I wait for him to return, when he does he immediately starts to write me a ticket for Public Urination and says things like, "That's gross." and "How would you like it if someone peed on your car?" and "I saw you, I saw you drawing 8's and peeing all over." and finally he ended with "Don't be sorry, just stop peeing on cars."

The moral of the story is. I got a ticket for public urination and I really couldn't be more proud of myself. That's one thing I can check off my life's list.

I might frame the ticket.

Close Enough!

As my last post may or may not have very specifically mentioned, I intended on relocating to Seattle, WA.

I, of course, picked Seattle for its proximity to actual things actually happening and its location on the West Coast.

That being said...I moved to Eugene, Oregon.

Which, to be honest, I find is considerably nicer that any of the places in or around Seattle that I could afford, plus it's got a hell of a lot of character for a place loaded with hippies and liberals.

I look forward to an entire winter of no snow and hopefully finding a job. Someday.