Dear Hallowieners,
I just wanted an excuse to incorporate wiener into another word, this worked out, thanks.
Love, Me
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Anyways, in effort to make myself remotely useful, I've recently been helping a friend of mine from across the country start up her own blog. It'll surely be about all manner of insightful girly things that will have you both nodding in agreement and cursing men forever.
The smart, the beautiful, the one and only, the blondish, other descriptive words!
The Thing You're About to Click
Give her some love you jerks. But not too much love, slow down, you weirdos.
At least I'm promoting someone else instead of myself, right guys?
Halloween. The holiday where we are supposed to check candy for razorblades and such. In case some nutbag is sitting at home stuffing tiny knives into Tootsie Rolls.
Most of you back in Minnesota probably have had at least a little snow by now. Ha. Haha. Hahahaha. Fuck snow.
I apparently don't have much to say today...
Lucky you.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Two in the Bush
Ha! I didn't post on Saturday. I was testing you. And 25 of you win. Because 25 people checked on Saturday anyway. Hey thanks. The rest of you suck.
So in the past I've ranted about bird related things, such as the saying "kill two birds with one stone" and today I have another bird related phrase to shout about, no big surprise there.
"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."
Well first, wtf is our problem with birds? We really had it out for those little bastards at one point in time. Apparently all we did was sit around and talk about birds.
The fuck is that. I don't know what kind of crazy shitbag was trying to figure out the value of birds in different contexts.
Like he ran around all day figuring this shit out. "Well one bird in a hand is worth two inside a bush, and two birds in a bush is worth about 4 inside a basket, now, birds in trees, they're worth about 1.5 birds in a hand but only 3 birds in a bush." Get a god damn job, because it sure as shit isn't counting birds.
A person should just be happy he caught a damn bird with his hands. That imagine that shit gets challenging.
Haven't they ever heard don't count your chickens before they hatch? This guy sounds like he was definitely trying to count his chickens. And who would of fucking guessed, that's about birds too.
Stop counting and comparing your birds and just enjoy the birds you have.
See what I did there? Yeah, I made it a metaphor, I told you this shit was getting fancy.
So in the past I've ranted about bird related things, such as the saying "kill two birds with one stone" and today I have another bird related phrase to shout about, no big surprise there.
"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."
Well first, wtf is our problem with birds? We really had it out for those little bastards at one point in time. Apparently all we did was sit around and talk about birds.
The fuck is that. I don't know what kind of crazy shitbag was trying to figure out the value of birds in different contexts.
Like he ran around all day figuring this shit out. "Well one bird in a hand is worth two inside a bush, and two birds in a bush is worth about 4 inside a basket, now, birds in trees, they're worth about 1.5 birds in a hand but only 3 birds in a bush." Get a god damn job, because it sure as shit isn't counting birds.
A person should just be happy he caught a damn bird with his hands. That imagine that shit gets challenging.
Haven't they ever heard don't count your chickens before they hatch? This guy sounds like he was definitely trying to count his chickens. And who would of fucking guessed, that's about birds too.
Stop counting and comparing your birds and just enjoy the birds you have.
See what I did there? Yeah, I made it a metaphor, I told you this shit was getting fancy.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Blood, Hair, and Semen
Since the last post was just me whining.
Well, I'd like to think I tried to make it more than JUST whining, but you know how I am.
Anyways I suppose I'll do another post, hopefully with more content.
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So... months ago when money was tight, in which is still definitely is by the way, I decided to look into what types of renewable stuff a person can sell off of or out of his own body.
Blood, bone-marrow, hair, and semen.
Let's start with semen. (That's what she said)
As it turns out, nobody wants my DNA babies, because on reading about it, they are obviously selective about who they purchase from. They want tall, good health, in good shape, etc. I am in fact, short, fat, and stupid. Making the chances of anyone giving me so much as a nickel for the ol' gene 'pool' unlikely.
Hair, I believe I'm starting the very first stages of hair loss. That's it. No jokes. Just less hair.
Bone-marrow I could probably do. I won't, because they stick a giant needle into your hip or femur or something to retrieve it. Too bad because I probably have amazing marrow AND it's remaining inside my bones.
Blood/plasma is the Winner! I would probably have to not drink any sort of alcohol which would be a shame to say the least. But I could totally probably sell plasma.
Also, ladies, you can sell your eggs for like a bazillion dollars. It's fairly invasive, but if I had eggs I'd be doling them out left and right for the prices they potentially go for. Of course I'd be terrible at being a woman, the shit I would get into. Wow. It would be like Miley Cyrus collides with Lindsay Lohan collides with a pinch of Sandra Bullock.
OH! Side Note: one of the downsides people wrote for donating semen was the idea of potentially having hundreds of unknown genetic descendants running around being a negative thing.
HOW IS THIS A DOWNSIDE?! I would absolutely love knowing that my genes were overrunning the countryside. I think it would be neat as shit. Don't worry, I'm sure they have good families. Nobody pays thousands of dollars for someone else's spunk just to neglect the outcome.
Suppose that was more of an Under Note than a Side Note...
Well, I'd like to think I tried to make it more than JUST whining, but you know how I am.
Anyways I suppose I'll do another post, hopefully with more content.
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So... months ago when money was tight, in which is still definitely is by the way, I decided to look into what types of renewable stuff a person can sell off of or out of his own body.
Blood, bone-marrow, hair, and semen.
Let's start with semen. (That's what she said)
As it turns out, nobody wants my DNA babies, because on reading about it, they are obviously selective about who they purchase from. They want tall, good health, in good shape, etc. I am in fact, short, fat, and stupid. Making the chances of anyone giving me so much as a nickel for the ol' gene 'pool' unlikely.
Hair, I believe I'm starting the very first stages of hair loss. That's it. No jokes. Just less hair.
Bone-marrow I could probably do. I won't, because they stick a giant needle into your hip or femur or something to retrieve it. Too bad because I probably have amazing marrow AND it's remaining inside my bones.
Blood/plasma is the Winner! I would probably have to not drink any sort of alcohol which would be a shame to say the least. But I could totally probably sell plasma.
Also, ladies, you can sell your eggs for like a bazillion dollars. It's fairly invasive, but if I had eggs I'd be doling them out left and right for the prices they potentially go for. Of course I'd be terrible at being a woman, the shit I would get into. Wow. It would be like Miley Cyrus collides with Lindsay Lohan collides with a pinch of Sandra Bullock.
OH! Side Note: one of the downsides people wrote for donating semen was the idea of potentially having hundreds of unknown genetic descendants running around being a negative thing.
HOW IS THIS A DOWNSIDE?! I would absolutely love knowing that my genes were overrunning the countryside. I think it would be neat as shit. Don't worry, I'm sure they have good families. Nobody pays thousands of dollars for someone else's spunk just to neglect the outcome.
Suppose that was more of an Under Note than a Side Note...
My Foot is Down
Okay, so I play it up like I don't mind when you don't read this. But it's a lie. I totally expect all of you to read this.
Friends and family especially. You don't get to be friends and family without supporting my bullshit cockamamie ass interests.
You show up when I post on the MyFace but when I don't spam you, you don't come.
Well, new rule. You shut your damn mouth, sit down, and put your fucking email address in the box thingy on the right. I'm not asking. I'm telling. If you don't get an email every time I so much as fucking fart, I'm going to disown you and probably take you off the Christmas Mailing list and think you're a bad stupid poopy face.
So just do it you turd sandwiches. I hate having to solicit for viewers on Facebook like some sort of homeless liberal hippy asshole.
The job hunt is going fantastic BTW. People are lining up to hire me, I can't even decide who I like better. This is in no way an exaggerated lie.
Friends and family especially. You don't get to be friends and family without supporting my bullshit cockamamie ass interests.
You show up when I post on the MyFace but when I don't spam you, you don't come.
Well, new rule. You shut your damn mouth, sit down, and put your fucking email address in the box thingy on the right. I'm not asking. I'm telling. If you don't get an email every time I so much as fucking fart, I'm going to disown you and probably take you off the Christmas Mailing list and think you're a bad stupid poopy face.
So just do it you turd sandwiches. I hate having to solicit for viewers on Facebook like some sort of homeless liberal hippy asshole.
The job hunt is going fantastic BTW. People are lining up to hire me, I can't even decide who I like better. This is in no way an exaggerated lie.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Walkie-Talkie
Ever notice how stupid of a name Walkie-Talkie is?
Sure, it's descriptive and shit, but imagine if the guy who named it that named other things.
The world would be a dangerously descriptive place right now.
Cars would be called Drivey-Get Places, guns would be called Shooty-Deathy, and dogs would be called Barky-Bitey.
Obviously that sounds stupid ridiculous and we're all lucky that guy was only fortunate enough to name Two-Way Radios. What kind of asshole was he? Hopefully he's dead now. Deady-In-The-Groundy.
Completely off topic, if you are interested in always being aware of when a new post is posted, on the right of this there should be a place to enter an email address, put yours in there and you will get an automatic email every time I post. Takes all the guess work out of it for you, I know you hate guessing.
But really, I appreciate the 6 of you that read this, probably all related to me too, I'm just trying to make it easy for you.
I'll keep it short and sweet today.
Sure, it's descriptive and shit, but imagine if the guy who named it that named other things.
The world would be a dangerously descriptive place right now.
Cars would be called Drivey-Get Places, guns would be called Shooty-Deathy, and dogs would be called Barky-Bitey.
Obviously that sounds stupid ridiculous and we're all lucky that guy was only fortunate enough to name Two-Way Radios. What kind of asshole was he? Hopefully he's dead now. Deady-In-The-Groundy.
Completely off topic, if you are interested in always being aware of when a new post is posted, on the right of this there should be a place to enter an email address, put yours in there and you will get an automatic email every time I post. Takes all the guess work out of it for you, I know you hate guessing.
But really, I appreciate the 6 of you that read this, probably all related to me too, I'm just trying to make it easy for you.
I'll keep it short and sweet today.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Thursday, October 17, 2013
United Nations
There I am. Living somewhere where I'm the minority.
Not the city itself, but the apartment complex area thing has very few people of my specific background.
Next to me is some sort of Asian, I would be more specific but I have not become acquainted. Below me is some sort of Middle-Easterner, again, my lack of specification isn't racism, well not very much racism, a little bit of it, maybe, kitty corner and below me is some sort of Hispanic. Across the way is a crazy Russian guy. Etc.
My point is that not only am I (a White English Speaking American Male) the minority, but I also have the worst car in the lot. They all have new, fancy, and often even American made vehicles.
Damn. And this whole time I thought I had an unfair advantage. Damn foreigners making me look bad in my own country...
I jest, I love all these brown/yellow/slightly toasted people.
They clearly go to school at the U of O, most of them, but what do they need brand new $50,000-$100,000 cars for? Or rather, what do they do when they go home? Sell them? Bring them with? They clearly bought it when they came over, they surely don't have the money to just buy a car to use for 6 months and call it good, do they?
Maybe we should all go over there and make fucking shoes and shit.
It clearly worked for them.
So anyways, hey, it's Thursday and I made it on schedule. Whew. I'll be seeing you mixed bag of nuts on Saturday. That's a promise.
Not the city itself, but the apartment complex area thing has very few people of my specific background.
Next to me is some sort of Asian, I would be more specific but I have not become acquainted. Below me is some sort of Middle-Easterner, again, my lack of specification isn't racism, well not very much racism, a little bit of it, maybe, kitty corner and below me is some sort of Hispanic. Across the way is a crazy Russian guy. Etc.
My point is that not only am I (a White English Speaking American Male) the minority, but I also have the worst car in the lot. They all have new, fancy, and often even American made vehicles.
Damn. And this whole time I thought I had an unfair advantage. Damn foreigners making me look bad in my own country...
I jest, I love all these brown/yellow/slightly toasted people.
They clearly go to school at the U of O, most of them, but what do they need brand new $50,000-$100,000 cars for? Or rather, what do they do when they go home? Sell them? Bring them with? They clearly bought it when they came over, they surely don't have the money to just buy a car to use for 6 months and call it good, do they?
Maybe we should all go over there and make fucking shoes and shit.
It clearly worked for them.
So anyways, hey, it's Thursday and I made it on schedule. Whew. I'll be seeing you mixed bag of nuts on Saturday. That's a promise.
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