Shark Week

While we're on the topic of sharks. It's everyones favorite week. Shark week. Join me next week for my "Avoiding Water More than Waist Deep" week. It'll be a blast.

Shark week has the amazing ability to remind me just why it is I don't swim in the ocean or any rivers that connect to an ocean nearby.

Partaking in hours of footage and dramatic reenactments of people losing limbs and lives does that to a person. I don't know how anyone goes swimming after watching shark week.

Actually, I almost guarantee that the beach population drops at least a little during and around shark week. I wouldn't be surprised.

I know when I see a montage of two and a half ton Great whites flying 15 feet out of the water in a fury of blood and teeth it doesn't particularly inspire me to go to South Africa and go for a dip.

Call me cautious but I don't intend to go splashing around a cove that used to be a dumping point for a meat processing plant.

Or swimming 2000 miles away from any land in the middle of the Pacific Ocean where it's so void of life, when you splash around like a jackass, the little bit of life there is anywhere nearby (giant man eating Great whites), definitely know that YOU are there.

Or free diving off the cost of Africa so I can feed some large female Tiger sharks by hand during mating season while I swim with them and three other highly dangerous species of sharks.

Maybe instead I'll go punch a bear in the face just to see what happens.

What I want to know is one thing.

How much do you have to pay one of those camera men? The ones getting the dynamic shots from in and under the water, the ones who aren't scientists or even shark enthusiasts, the ones who are just plain camera men looking to use a camera? How the fuck much do they get paid? Because that crazy ass Steve Irwin looking mother fucker in the water, he wants to be there, and is willing to risk his life for his passion in sharks.

But the lowly camera man who probably doesn't give two shits about sharks. I'm sure it takes a lot of money to convince him that it's a good idea to go bobbing around in the all you can eat ocean buffet.

Personally there are two ways I don't plan on dying in this world.

One, being drug under water and eaten by a shark while I simultaneously drown and bleed out.

And two,  hanging upside down, naked, and by my ankles while somebody saws me in half groin to  neck.

That's 'Sawing' folks.

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