The Black (Twitter?) Community

A person can imagine my surprise in finding that there is an awfully large African American community on Twitter. Not just a community, but a hilarious stereotypical one, especially considering how very 'white' of a concept Twitter is.

Not white meaning for or by white people necessarily, but white in the negative way a colored person might call something lame that's traditionally done by us honkies.

 For example, when a brotha sees a cracker wearing khaki pants and driving a Segway into a golf course parking lot, he might casually lean over to his homies and say, "hey, check out this WHITE ass mutha fucka!"

Anyways, to my point. I feel like the things I read, whilst following people of ghetto sensibilities, are exactly what I would hear if I were to hang around the projects in any large city.

Which makes sense considering these people are from the same social demographic.

What surprises me though, is how that 'culture' shifted from the streets to the Twitter. I'm reading stuff about baby mommas, barbecues, watermelon, and I kid you not, friend chicken. But that's not all. It's all communicated in some strange, internet, abbreviated form of 'Ebonics' which by the way, is now an official English dialect according to the Atlanta, Georgia PD. How fun is that fact? You like it.

I'm sitting there for upwards of 15 minutes trying my damnedest to translate this bastard spawn of the drunken night Ebonics spent with the internet, for each and every tweet, and let me tell you, those people tweet A LOT.

Oh God I just said 'those people' didn't I?

I'm so getting shanked for this.

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My reactions upon realizing what they've said happen as follows:

"Oooooooh he's...OH GOD HE'S GOT A GUN!?!?"

"So what he means is...he wants to...no, that can't be it...that's not...OMG dear Lord get the man some waffle fries!!!"

"So that bitch is angry with those other bitches because they know the bitch that's been all up on her broke ass baby daddy?"

I hold myself not liable for the things said, I'm merely paraphrasing what I've heard and seen.

Now, I'm not "from the block" or anything, but can you still be gangsta and ballin' if you have a Twitter account? How does that work? I'm not personally saying I would consider them any less for it, but I feel like they homies might.

Really though, wtf are these self proclaimed OGs doing on something like Twitter? You don't see me hanging around fight clubs, because I'm not a badass. So why are they hanging around Twitter, when they clearly aren't nerds? 

If you're tweeting about busting a cap in some playa's ass because he ain't got your shit, well, maybe you shouldn't be tweeting, you should be busting a cap in his ass.

Get your priorities straight.

Click it or Ticket

I recently wrote a lil something something for a friend of mine's blog. Someone I've known for a long time, who has a blog, that apparently gets more traffic than this one. All social networking issues aside, I'm pretty excited to write FOR something/someone else.

Even if it's really nothing more than what I'm doing here, it feels like progress. Go check it out. Maybe I'll write more for his thing. Maybe I'll end up having a spot there, doing a once weekly, every whatever day I want, thing.

Maybe monkeys will fulfill a dream of mine and attempt to mug me, giving me an excuse to shank a few of them in self defense.

Oh the dreams we have.

But really gang, if you don't click this link I don't know why I even invite you here. This is a story. A story among stories. A story so special I saved it for that other blog. So help me God if you don't click this link you are hereby BANNED from my blog until the end of time itself. Just do it. Come on.

>>>>>>> Objurgation <<<<<<<


                                      ^ That's the link jackasses. Click it.

Shark Week

While we're on the topic of sharks. It's everyones favorite week. Shark week. Join me next week for my "Avoiding Water More than Waist Deep" week. It'll be a blast.

Shark week has the amazing ability to remind me just why it is I don't swim in the ocean or any rivers that connect to an ocean nearby.

Partaking in hours of footage and dramatic reenactments of people losing limbs and lives does that to a person. I don't know how anyone goes swimming after watching shark week.

Actually, I almost guarantee that the beach population drops at least a little during and around shark week. I wouldn't be surprised.

I know when I see a montage of two and a half ton Great whites flying 15 feet out of the water in a fury of blood and teeth it doesn't particularly inspire me to go to South Africa and go for a dip.

Call me cautious but I don't intend to go splashing around a cove that used to be a dumping point for a meat processing plant.

Or swimming 2000 miles away from any land in the middle of the Pacific Ocean where it's so void of life, when you splash around like a jackass, the little bit of life there is anywhere nearby (giant man eating Great whites), definitely know that YOU are there.

Or free diving off the cost of Africa so I can feed some large female Tiger sharks by hand during mating season while I swim with them and three other highly dangerous species of sharks.

Maybe instead I'll go punch a bear in the face just to see what happens.

What I want to know is one thing.

How much do you have to pay one of those camera men? The ones getting the dynamic shots from in and under the water, the ones who aren't scientists or even shark enthusiasts, the ones who are just plain camera men looking to use a camera? How the fuck much do they get paid? Because that crazy ass Steve Irwin looking mother fucker in the water, he wants to be there, and is willing to risk his life for his passion in sharks.

But the lowly camera man who probably doesn't give two shits about sharks. I'm sure it takes a lot of money to convince him that it's a good idea to go bobbing around in the all you can eat ocean buffet.

Personally there are two ways I don't plan on dying in this world.

One, being drug under water and eaten by a shark while I simultaneously drown and bleed out.

And two,  hanging upside down, naked, and by my ankles while somebody saws me in half groin to  neck.

That's 'Sawing' folks.

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Remember kids, if you feel the need to know what's going on in my mind besides what I spill here. Come check out my personal blog and find out just what the hell it is, that I'm thinking.

Link on the top right of the page.

Or for you idiots ------------------> Something Something Life

But really, eventually I won't do                ^                that for you, so find the one at the top right.

You Know What's Apparently Stressful?

I'm just perusing all the news on the entire internet right? And I come across an article.

This article is initially intriguing and cool, it's about a Great White shark leaping onto a research boat and getting stuck onboard. Cool right?

But upon reading some quotes from researchers on the boat, I realized, these people can't be scientists, because they're just too fucking stupid. Here are two hilarious quotes that make me go REALLY!?!?! YA THINK!?!?

"Incredibly stressful" - Really dude? An eleven hundred pound killing machine leaping onto your medium sized research vessel was stressful? No. I don't believe you. That can't be.

"These sharks belong in the sea, they don't belong on land." - I don't even have anything to say to this one.

Other than I sincerely hope that he and his entire family get eaten by a bear. And I hope while he's dying via bear, he screams, "This bear doesn't belong in my house, he belongs in the forest."

That's what happens when you read BBC News. You get this shit. I'm almost upset at how stupid these quotes are. Two things that probably go without saying. Yes, half ton killing machines flying out of the water is probably a stressful situation to find yourself in, and yes, fish do belong in the water.

Well put researchers. How are those advanced degrees treating you?

You jackasses.

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Don't forget to check out my personal blog if you care for a more personal glimpse into my personal life, personally.

Link should be at the top right, it's "Something Something Life"

Learn how to navigate web pages and go find it. Geezus.

Also, I might be posting the occasional gem on a friend's blog, it should be a good time. Stay tuned for that. I'll link the shit out of you if and when it happens. It should be GOLD. Peace.

Guess Who's Back, Back Again

Oh wow. Where to even start? Well I could start with enthusiastically imforming you that I'll be posting any of my personal type themed posts on my new blog for just such a purpose. So here it goes.

DID YOU KNOW!?!?!? That from now on I'll be posting any personal type entries on my new personal blog for just that purpose?!?! Well you do now. Bitches.

ANYwho...

Minnesota's government shut down while I was there. Ha. Haha. Hahaha. Oh you, Minnesota, with your money issues and your solving those issues by shutting down the government and effectively losing more money. Great idea you guys. The liberals blame the conservatives and the conservatives blame the liberals. How completely unexpected. Who could of foreseen that turn of events.

Well. As I've always sort of just started saying. "It seems to me the last people we want in office, are politicians." Ironically enough. If you read that with the right amount of open mindedness it seems philosophical, I swear.

Do you ever makes notes to yourself that you read at a much later date and go, "WTF was I talking about?" thus making the note completely useless?

Oh you don't? Me either......

In other news. For those of you who didn't hear about it like a month ago when it apparently happened, gay marriage was legalized in New York. So for all you alternative-sexuals out there. Congratulations. I mean it. Way to win. Because in the end. When did it become my right as an American citizen to deny you the right to get married in the first place? I don't believe it ever was. So hats off to 'you people' getting what rights you rightfully deserve the rights too.

This is old news but I wanted to make the joke. It came to my attention a while ago that there is a Senator with the last name Wiener.

No, that's not all.

This Wiener guy, was sending pictures of his wiener via twitter, I think it was. But the important part to me was the fact that this man was being very ironic. In fact. So ironic it hurts. How much more foreshadowing can a name do? Next they'll be some headline titled. "Congressman Vehicularmanslaughter Kills a Family of 4 in a Car Accident" OH NO! IF ONLY WE WOULD OF KNOWN!?

Basically what I'm saying is, If your last name is Shoemaker and you're making shoes, I'm not real fucking surprised. Now if you're last name is Shoemaker and you shit bacon, that, that surprises me.

Also, Ryan Dunn, a minor celebrity from the show "Jackass" died sometime in the last couple months. Everyone's real sad. Except the people who heard he was intoxicated and going grossly over the speed limit, they're not as sad about it.

If you put a T between South Dakota it makes the acronym 'STD'?

Coincidence? I think not. Because traveling through South Dakota is sort of like having an STD. Except no matter how many antibiotics you take, South Dakota doesn't go away.

Oh and here's a link to the blog I made specifically so you didn't have to read the crap I'll be posting there, here, so you won't have to go, ugh, I have to read all this? Or wow, that's not funny at all, the one, the only, Something Something Life

Unemployed

Guess who's recently become voluntarily unemployed? THIS guy!

It's weird really. Whenever I leave a job it makes it seem like life is moving forward or changing in a more drastic way than it actually is. You know? Does it feel like that to anyone else? It's got that certain 'the first day of the rest of your life' feel to it. To me at least.

But yes that's right, Dynojet and I went our separate ways. I'm going be in Minnesota for a smidgeon starting right meow and ending who knows when and then I eventually start up school in the fall again so between those two things I have no time for Dynojet in my future. Which is a shame, I was like a superstar there, I was the 'Chosen One' and all that jazz. I fancy myself, in the year I was there, to be the greatest thing to happen to that place since it's founding.

Yes, I'm making that claim right here and right now.

Where too next you say? Right now I need to quickly do some things, more specifically, fancy grown up things like pay some bills, deposit some checks like a gangsta, mail something, pick up the place a bit before I leave, get some logistics out of the way, do a bit of the ol' science, commit some acts of 'hustling', you get the idea.

And I suppose after that a whole lot of balling on a budget so-to-speak, since I won't have an incoming flow of money. Until school starts that is, I'll be getting BANK when that happens.

But for the time being I'll be busy for a week or six so I'll catch you cats on the flip side...or six flip sides from now. Whichever it ends up being.

Out.

Feeling Kind of Fruity?

The other day I was sitting at work enjoying a couple apples for lunch. When a coworker of mine walks up and asks, "Oh, are you on a diet?"

Bitch please

Just because I'm eating an apple means I'm on a fucking diet? Since when does that automatically follow? Can't a guy enjoy a fruit without being accused of dieting? What the shit is she getting at? Did she look at me and think, "Now there's a guy who only eats fruit when he's dieting!" or did she just simply look at the fruit and think, "Now there's something I would only eat if I was on a diet!"

Either way it seemed damned presumptuous. And this isn't even the first time. Anytime someone catches me eating a banana or a yogurt or something they ask me if I'm on a diet. Wtf? I can't tell if this is reflecting poorly on me or on society in general when someone sees me with a fruit and assumes diet as if there is no other real explanation.

Here's a crazy idea, maybe I just like apples. Ever think of that? You *#*$&

Which brings me to a funny story...

It was a rainy Tuesday morning. I was in the shower getting ready to race to work because I was already running late. There's a knock on the bathroom door. It's my roommate, he asks, "Can you give me a ride to campus before work?" In which I didn't respond, but then he added, "I'll give you that sandwich in the fridge", and at that point I agreed to give him a ride at the risk of being late for work.

If potentially being late for work for a freaking sandwich isn't shameful enough. I ended up getting a speeding ticket and being even more late than I would of been. I had to explain to my supervisor that I was late for work because I had gotten a speeding ticket and that I got that speeding ticket because I traded an ill advised ride for a half of a sandwich. I literally traded being late for work and a speeding ticket for half of an old sandwich. Wtf me.

That's when I decided to start bringing fruit to work.

Because really, if you're trading favors for old sandwiches you know you have a problem.

A Game of Thrones

I imagine you've all watched the "A Game of Thrones" season finale by now.

That's right. I'm making that assumption. Try to stop me.

I'll be completely frank with you all. I thought they did an absolutely stupendous job adapting the books to an HBO series.

The casting was wonderful, the acting was superb, the episodes were fluid and coherent, it was just about as good as it could of been.

Some complaints might of been that it would be a bit hard to fully understand and grasp what the hell was going on for anyone who hasn't read the books. It got easier, but I feel like the first few episodes would/were hell for anyone who didn't already have an idea what was going on. They almost left out a few very minor characters completely, which isn't a real big issue, they after all weren't terribly important, but I just noticed their absence. Ned's hair should of been black, they had it more of a brown, which is cool I guess, but I specifically remember it being mentioned more than once that his hair was black.

Some reasonable complains might also involve the lack of any large scale fight scenes. They purposely avoided one or two. I understand the time and money that would go into a full scale battle scene so I don't blame them for avoiding them completely. It just kind of saddens me. I would of liked to see those battles. Though if I remember correctly George R.R. Martin didn't get too terribly detailed with those in the books either.

Other than little things like hair color and the story throwing you in a bit quickly in the first few episodes for those who didn't read the books, I still stand by my declarations that it was all masterfully done. Most of the roles were filled wonderfully. Sean Bean was a great Ned, Peter Dinklage was a great Tyrion, the Stark children were all cast pretty great, the only complaint in casting was I didn't particularly like Mark Addy as King Robert.

The finale itself was well done. They didn't do that thing where they tried way to hard to make it full of grandeur and epicness like some series' do. They just finished it up like the first book ended and some cool shit went down and that was that. Nothing flashy or stupid. Just tied up some ends, gave a few teasers, implied future awesomeness, and let us stew until what I guess will be spring of 2012.

On a completely left field turn to something as unrelated as it can get. I was sitting down to a nice home cooked meal that I and a roommate laboriously prepared and I accidentally caught an episode of "Ugly Betty".

To make a long story short, I sat through it for the sake of curiosity and I'm ashamed to admit, I didn't hate it. It's not necessarily my type of show, but for what it is I feel like it's done pretty well. It seemed like a pretty decent show for the genre and sub-genre it falls into.

It's no Spartacus or A Game of Thrones but it was, lets say, cute.

Oh, and True Blood. I've caught about the last ten minutes of every episode since AGoT first aired since it comes right before AGoT and I must say. Not a fan. I can understand why tons of vampire loving women might like it. It has vampires and witches and what I take to be romance and violence but in a context where it's somehow clearly more acceptable to women than it is in Spartacus and other such programs. So if I was a young vampire loving women I could totally see myself enjoying something like this.

But I'm not and I find it weird and kind of silly.

While I'm on the entertainment review ball here I might as well hit you with what I thought of "Green Lantern"

I thought it was great. I found it also to be very well done. I don't know a lot of the actual lore behind the Green Lantern comics but I found the movie easy to digest, fun to watch, and an all around enjoyable experience. I was considerably skeptical about Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern but I thought he did really well. And of course Blake Lively was attractive as always. What else is there? It just turned out to be better than I expected. Though I had pretty low hopes to that's not saying a lot. But even if my hopes had been higher I feel like I wouldn't of left the theater with any regret.

Two Birds with One Stone

You know the phrase, "kill two birds with one stone", what the hell is that really about?

Was there ever a period in human history when we routinely killed birds with stones? Not only that but apparently tried to kill as many birds as we could with as few stones as we could. Did some guy get lucky one day and get two birds with one stone and go, "OH SHIT! I have to tell everybody to do this, for the rest of forever!"

I feel like in the two years of Anthropology classes I participated in I didn't hear about our history of hunting birds with stones. In fact now that I think of it I didn't hear about it at all. I'm not saying people probably didn't kill the occasionally bird with a stone. I guess I feel like it probably wasn't a normal enough hunting occurrence to warrant making up a popular 'saying' that lasts for the rest of human existence.

If you go back far enough we were more likely killing or scavenging larger mammals and if you get a bit more modern we would have invented archery and I feel like arrows would be better suited for killing anything than a stone would.

Maybe it was that crazy guy who lived in the hut on the end. The one everyone knew was a little off. The village weirdo. He never came to the rain dances and didn't participate in ceremonies. You know the one. Maybe his crazy ass always went off in the woods with an arm full of stones and threw them at birds all God damned day.

Maybe the others made the phrase "kill two birds with one stone" as a tongue in cheek thing to mock him with. Because face it, when is that crazy bastard ever going to kill any birds, let alone two.

But then he not only gets a bird but he kills two with one stone none-the-less! The village is amazed and the phrase lives on forever. The End.

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A phrase that might be misleading in the wrong context:

"I was going to town on this ass the other day."

You see, for an average person with their mind in the gutter this clearly means one thing. But WAIT. 

Might the speaker of this phrase merely of meant that he was riding into town on a donkey?

You sick f*cks

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This one is too good to pass up. So like I've mentioned before. I can go into the blog's stats and see what people searched for in Google (or whatever other search engine people use, except, who the fuck doesn't use Google for all their searching needs?) to get here.

And I kid you not, recently, one of the paths that led a poor soul here was "Butt piss"

Yes, somebody typed butt piss into Google and Google was like, "I know exactly where you belong, butt piss man." and sent his/her questionable self this way.

Look. I don't know what the hell you want Mr. and or Mrs/Miss butt piss but you can't find it here. I'm not a doctor nor am I anyone else qualified to deal with such a topic. You're welcome to stay but please don't bother the others.

Damn You Scooter Braun, Damn You

Apparently it's Scooter Braun's birthday today. If you don't know who that is, it's cool, neither did/do I.

But from what I gather he was the man who 'discovered' Justin Bieber on Youtube. I assume he's some sort of agent or something and blah blah blah everyone loves him because he found the boy wonder on the Youtube.

I know this because #happybirthdayscooter is currently 'trending' on twitter. Now, if this is all over your head I understand, because I wish I didn't know what any of it meant either. Oh God, please kill me.

I'll explain it for anyone who is lucky enough to have not gotten sucked into the hell that is twitter. SO here is how it goes down. People 'tweet' things, random shit, you know. And everyone is able to 'hashtag' topics and shit in that tweet if they so desire. A hashtag basically tags your tweet and any tweets with the same hashtag and makes it so if someone searched for it on twitter they can find all the tweets with the same hashtag on it. For example. I could go on and search #gameofthrones and a list of all the tweets that had #gameofthrones in it would magically appear so I could read all the comments people are making about GoT.

Now, when something is hashtag...ed enough it 'trends', meaning it one of the highest or most hashtaged things on twitter at the time. At least I'm fairly certain that's how this all works. Which makes it so whatevers big in the news or popular culture at the time tends to trend. Back when Charlie Sheen was all the biz, he trended, or when the tsunami hit Japan, that trended, etc. You get the idea.

ANYways. The reason I explained all of this is to complain about one God damned thing. #Happybirthdayscooter is currently trending because it's his birthday and millions of Bieb fans are thanking him for finding the Biebmeister.

I don't know why but something about that makes me want to burn down the world.

This man shouldn't be so well known. Because he is probably a behind the scenes kind of guy in the entertainment business. The only reason people know who he is is because he happened to discover the 9th wonder of the modern world. People are all celebrating his birthday because they love him and they love him because they love Beaver, I mean Bieber.

That's like if I celebrated George R.R. Martin's mother's birthday and thanked her for giving birth to Mr. Martin. Wouldn't that be a bit off to you? "Thanks George's mom, without you and your va-jay-jay we all would of never gotten to read this great book series decades down the road! Good Job!"

All the tweets for this Scooter guy are just thanking him for supplying the world with a teen pop sensation, hardly any are about his birthday at all, other than the hashtag they're tagged with. Wtf internet. Nobody would give a crap about this poor guy if he didn't give them B.

Or in my case, cool name Scooter, you asshole, what are you 7? I'll never forgive you for what you've done to me and to the world. Watch your back.

Malaysia Was My Bitch

No offense to any Malaysians who read this. I know there might be a few?

So there I was last night dreaming away. Mostly various short dreams about stuff I'm not at liberty to mention. But then the last dream was a bit longer and more detailed in a very delightful way.

So I had started a small  revolution in Malaysia with locals there who weren't happy with how things went. It had promise but really didn't seem like it was going to do anything major. The revolution ended up getting into the palace area of my (dream version of Malaysia's government). And I ended up pitted against it's main military leader in a fight that I was clearly the underdog in. I ended up getting lucky and winning the fight. So the "Queen" conceded the throne to me and I threw her off of a balcony thing overlooking the main mass of people, who had by then, collected in and around the Capital.

Don't judge me, it was some sort of tradition or cultural norm to apparently publicly execute the leader you replace, everyone else was fine with it, including the Queen. So don't make me out to be a sick bastard.

I then claimed the small but very beautiful crown. I preceded to throw the throne, which was a gorgeous but small wooden chair, over the same balcony to make a show of bravado or something like that. In which I was just going to have a bigger better thrown made for me later. I also threw the crown with the same idea but changed my mind and went down to get it.

I was determined to not be that leader who wastes all the money on personal things like extravagant crowns and personal wealth. I decided I was going to stick it out and actually try to help out Malaysia in the long run and get it out of whatever issues it was in that caused the people to revolt with me in the first place. The whole time I was dreaming it was actually all done in a fairly believable realistic way too. So it was kind of cool that way. By that I mean there wasn't flying monkeys, futuristic guns, incorrect gravity, or just any other crazy things. It was more or less just 'set' in the modern real world. I guess.

So besides the little badass crown I got I was also able to claim that main military leaders weapon and some other random stuff. It was all sort of just mine, especially because of the nature in which I came to power. It was sort of like one of those 'you get what you kill' type things.

Either way. In the dream I was so pumped up and full of adrenaline at the fact I just became the leader of a country by somewhat random means. It was pretty wicked actually. Generals were talking to me and I was being shown around the palace. I was getting the low down on stuff. I was damn excited to rule.

And then I woke up in Bozeman, Montana, possibly more disappointed than I ever have been before.

...I didn't even get to the part where I all the prettiest of the Malaysian women throw themselves at me.

On a humorous side note. I was going to take a picture of the crown with my phone and send it to people and tweet it and other random stuff. As if the world wouldn't know if Malaysia was overthrown by some random American with no credentials at all. Like it would be news to the bros that I was in and now the ruler of a foreign country.

Which brings me to my final point. If any of you find yourself in and the ruler of a foreign country I expect a text declaring that fact. And I expect a seat in your government.

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Why Malaysia you might be asking? Well the answer is simple. There is no reason. My mind just picked a place. Malaysia was probably more likely in itself because through a good bro of mine I sort of know a handful of Malaysians so that probably influenced my brain in choosing that as the random country to conquer.

Again, I apologize to the Malaysians I may know or that may read this. But you know I would of put all you little shits in government positions. You are welcome for that. And you're welcome for how awesome I was about to make your country.

The moral of the story is, I now have a new dream/goal in life. Some day I'll do it for real...you watch your backs.

Good day.

Keeping it Going

There I am at this bar/club/thing and a thought struck me, struck me roughly in the temporal lobe, the left one to be specific. Anyways, that thought went a little something like this......bars/clubs are basically expensive, slightly classier, "grown-up" frats.

I'm just saying. You know it's true. It's like a frat party, but considerably more expensive, and considerably less sketchy.

I was still skeptical about this being single thing, skeptical for a good long time, but more and more I like the idea. It's been a while since I've been able to spread the old metaphorical wings. But I'm able to go out, have a good time, bring along two wingmen who were surprisingly helpful, and not worry about anything. Along those lines, I've also noticed I think I'm a bit of a late bloomer into the field of acting stupid and young. I went out before, sure, but never with much enthusiasm and I now find, being 21 and single, that I suddenly just now have to urge to go out on a regular basis and with enthusiasm. I feel like I'm a bit late to the punch. Shouldn't I have been wanting to do this since I was 16? All the time I've wasted being respectable and mature.

If you forget your card at the bar and didn't close your tab, you sort of HAVE to go back for it...and might as well enjoy yourself while you're there, am I right?

So I went on a night that was apparently "bucket night". Which means you buy a bucket of some sort of drink and drink said bucket. Except while I was drinking my bucket solo I looked around and realized (as I finished the bucket) that I was doing it wrong. This realization came to me because I noticed that there were tables full of girls all drinking out of one bucket. Like 657 girls per bucket. I was understandably outraged. Because not only did I not really want a gallon of some vodka mixed drink but nobody told ME I could enlist help. I could of shared with at least a half dozen sober girls in need of a buzz...

...Sadly by the time I figured that out my bucket was gone and I forgot who I was.

Bitches Love What I Think

So there I was. My birthday. And I drank legally. It was weird. I kept watching for the cops, expecting someone to try to start a shitty drinking game, and wondering how I'm supposed to drink without making it a race against someone else. Turns out when you're 21 you drink casually in a public setting and act like adults. Wtf is that about? It was so mature and low key. Crazy.

I jest of course. But speaking of hitting 1000 views. I hit 1000 views more than a month ago and kind of forgot to pointlessly mention and celebrate that small accomplishment. So here it is. 1000 views. That's cool. I'd like to start off by thanking Jesus. And that's about it really. What the fock have the rest of you done? Are you saviors? Did you die for sins? No. Why would I give you any credit for anything? That's absurd to even suggest that YOU deserve any credit. YOU viewers clearly aren't the ones who caused me to receive 1000 views (1348 or something by now). So no, I won't 'thank you' viewers. *Considerably Sly Wink*

Sarcasm or not, it kind of makes me wonder if Jesus reads my blog...

On the off-chance he does...Hey Jesus, sup bro?

Helloooooo Ladies

Guess who is officially ready to be back on the market? THIS guy. I've been technically on the shelves for a few months now but some of the paper work was misplaced and it took a while for me to get into the database and the system and stocked onto the shelves in the right location. You know how it is when making a unpersonificational comparison between a person and a product.

That's right, unpersonificational, I totally just made that up.

Either way. Life moves forward and we move on...

...onto my 21st birthday! That's right, come June 7th in what, 2 days? This guy is going to...calmly enjoy the benefits of being 21 whilst not doing anything stupid. Because to be honest I'm boring like that. But fear not, the dark recesses that make up the Montana bar scene will surely turn out a glorious amount of suitable women?

But really, to be honest I'm not and haven't been too terribly excited about turning 21. I have always been bad as being young though, the whole youthful ambition to cause trouble and mischief has always escaped me. I've never had a lot of urge to rebel or get shit faced or to act like a complete idiot. Mind you I said complete idiot, I'm always up for acting like half an idiot or so. So I, hopefully, won't be one of those cases where I end up getting my stomach pumped on my 21st.

Moving on from that. All I have left to look forward too is renting a car at the age of 25 and becoming president at 35. Other than those last two milestones it's all downhill from here. People should start celebrating those two ages as well. Wouldn't that be a good reason to throw a party? Drink when you're 21, throw a "renting my first car" party when you're 25, and throw a "I could legally be president if I so chose" party at 35.

I think I'll do that, you're all invited by the way. So in about 4 years, meet me at the nearest Enterprise and we'll rent me a car. Oh wait, they "pick you up" now...meet me at my place and we'll call Enterprise and have them send a car over. We can get the rental insurance and destroy it, together, it'll be a great time. Maybe I'll have games and contests to see who gets to drive it/wreck it first.

That started out as a joke but the more I sarcastically plan it out, the better of an idea it sounds...

Sea Biscuit! Write that down for me.

To explain, you see, Sea Biscuit is my personal secretary/editor/bitch and he does what I says. Boy.

But really, there is a project in the making and you fine people will find out about it in the future hopefully. Trying to get it off the ground and all. Saying things like "get it off the ground" helps because it makes it sound much more important and legit than it actually is.

Speaking of legit, I'm too legit, too legit, too legit to quit.

Shout out to my SISTA Nicole. If you got here via her twitter, leave a comment, and for ever person who got here via that twat (I meant that as a substitute for the word 'tweet' and in no way was referring to Nicole as a twat)...anyways if that twat Nikki sent you, show some love and she wins something for every person. She wins real good.

I'm not sure what yet. But I'll brain storm something up. And the rest of you too, if people get here by way of your twats, you win too.

I don't know what the prizes/gifts/sacrifices will be, but I do know you'll love it.

I should really think of a hook or something...

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Quandary of the day!

Mountain Dew or Coke?

Why? Because your opinion matters!

Additionally: It appears either nobody notices the poll on the upper right of the page or nobody cares. I'm going to assume it's that you're all idiots and nobody notices. Because 60 page views and only 2 votes? Come on people, get with the program. How hard is it to click 'Coke' or 'Mountain Dew' ? The answer is not at all. Now go vote mine muffins!

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We used to play this 'game' in High School where we would call over acquaintances to our table during lunch and ask them "Would You Rather?" questions that we made up ourselves. Usually just so afterward, no matter what they picked, we could laugh at them and chastise them for being disgusting or sick. I loved that 'game'. Because we always won.

There was no real point to that story, I just wanted to let you know. You're welcome for that potential new hobby idea. Try that shit during work, or with friends, maybe even relatives. Ask grandma if she would rather give a Rusty Trombone or receive a Cleveland Steamer? I dare you.

I apologize for anyone who knows what those are or looked them up. Making my parents proud, one blog post at a time. And for God's sake don't ask your grandma that. In fact it would be best if your grandma didn't even know you knew me. I can be your dirty little secret, who has to know?

Ohhhhhh ME. And maybe even YOU, if you're lucky.

What might I mean by that? Who knows. Who. Knows.



Disclaimer: Your opinion doesn't actually matter.

Time Traveling Osama Would of Warned Himself

Well, this is awkward, I didn't think I'd see you guys here. So...yeah...how about that weather? What? No, me completely abandon you? Not this guy. I would never. It's just I was busy and you were busy and it's not you, it's me. I swear. No, don't cry, daddy's back.

All personification of an abstract/hypothetical situation aside. I'm all moved into my new place. It's pretty balling, if you don't mind my street lingo. I only recently acquired wireless internet so that's one of the many poor excuses I have for not posting anything in the last large unrealistically exaggerated amount of time. But hey, on the bright side, maybe I'll have lots of quality content to put forth now? Ha. That's classic me. Lying to myself.

Have you ever noticed that Greyhounds are very often not grey? What the F is up with that? What jaggass decided one day to name a dog by a color it wasn't always or even usually found in? Like Black Bear, that makes sense, I've never seen a Black Bear that wasn't, well, black. That was a poor judgement call by the guy who named the Greyhound, that son of a bitch.

Also, while we're here. You know how you know that you'll never invent a time machine? Because if at any time in your future you invented a time machine, you'd probably end up going back in time, and you'd of found out now in the present, so because nobody's ever come back in time to fix or change or do whatever they wanted to now, you know that no one ever will. Because since it's in the future, it would of happened already, sort of? Especially right now, I'm deciding that if I ever make a time machine, I'll come back to right now and tell myself. So I'm waiting....oh wait, I never showed up, how rude of me, what an asshole, making myself wait for myself like this. Damn. Damn it all to hell.

I would almost guarantee that Mr. Fields ate too many cookies and got diabetes and died. THAT'S why you only ever hear about Mrs. Fields. That old bitch.

I missed my chance to talk about Osama and or make bad jokes. I regret being busy because that would of probably been a gold mine. But I will say this, I heard the guy loved Coke and drank it every day. How very Western and American of him, the irony of that is killing me. Or actually killing him I suppose. OH!

I bet Toby Keith was excited beyond belief when he heard that old goat herder was dead.

This will have to just be a "Hey I'm back!" post and I'll try to think of some bits and shit to start doing again. You know, stuff to actually grab your attention and not waste your life away and cause you to cut yourself at night. Thanks for sticking around. I promise to try not to let you down. I will. But I promise to try not to.

Have a good one my little muffins.

p.s. Shout out to my brotha from anotha motha Dillon James Estabrooks. His cracka ass grad-ja-matated yesterday and his party is as we speak. Sorry I couldn't make it buddy, you know, money, life, work, etc. But you wait until you see the gift I'm getting you but haven't gotten you yet! It'll be great. You'll love it, maybe even too much. You sick bastard.

Oh Shit, This Needs a Title

Sorry, I've been meaning to come on here and mention that I'm sort of in the half-ass process of packing up stuff and moving, so that's why I haven't posted on Monday, or anything crazy like that. Just you know, getting ready to get the fuck out of here and move to a different location...in the same town...really just a mile or two away...

Regardless, I've been spending a lot of time telling everyone I'm busy packing while not actually packing anything. Thus, the lack of postage.

Catch you fine ladies and gentlemen on the other side then?

You will be there right? I'll make finger food, little sandwich triangles, you know, that kind of stuff. Be there or be square, and also stabbed, square, and stabbed.

I know a guy who stabs for real cheap so if you feel a sudden pain in your spleen tonight don't worry about it. It's just someone stabbing you on my behalf.

Speaking of Good Friday

That's tomorrow.

I don't know what's so good about it, doesn't it represent when Jesus died?...though I suppose killed is a bit more accurate than died. Not like it was an accident if you know what I mean. But either way that's sick that we consider the day Jesus died as good. I mean I understand it was for "our*" sins and all the jazz but still, what's so good about Jesus dying? Also, as any of you who are Christian might know, on "Good Friday" a person is expected to not eat any red meat. What's not eating red meat have to do with Jesus dying? It seems strangely unrelated. And why do we celebrate Jesus rising from the dead on Sunday with bunnies and eggs and all sorts of other nonsensical traditions? I know I'm not the first one to point this out, but that's simply because it's a good question. A couple of good questions even.

Was that blasphemous? ^ If it is, I apologize Jesus, but you understand what I mean.

* I parenthesize "our" because I wanted to mention that that obviously applies to Christian followers but I in no way discriminate against MUH brothas from another mother...or another God/Gods for that matter. I'd make jokes about all yall crazy saviors too, but I'm afraid I have not the knowledge to do so, so I'll stick with my standard middle class, white, American, Christian jokes, thank you very much.

SO there I was, driving behind a Honda Prelude the other day. And it had me asking this simple question...."to what?" Wtf does Honda think that's preluding? Because I'm fairly certain they didn't follow through with that implication. I bet it doesn't prelude anything. Those sons a bitches.

Honda Prelude my ass. Car manufacturers should start thinking up better names. That actually describe the car. Like the all new "Nissan Get-You-There-Faster-Than-a-Mitsubishi-Would" the "Ford Will-Run-Over-Small-Creatures"or even the "Toyota Your-Friends-Will-Tease-You-But-It's-Pretty-Damn-Fuel-Efficient" Because that might be just what marketing needs. Straight shooting.

I find I wasn't nearly as prepared as I could of been for posting today. For only doing this 2 out of the 7 days of the week, I find myself strangely unprepared to write anything. But failing at life comes pretty second nature to me. I even impress myself sometimes.

Amazon wants me to try to sell you a book called "Water for Elephants" and I can't help but laugh at the title. Maybe I should write a book and call it something that sounds like it could be deep, until you realize it's not.

I'll call it "Does a Woodchuck Chuck?" or "If a Bear is Shitting in the Woods and a Tree Falls on the Bear While it's Shitting and No One is Around to Hear it, Did the Bear Make a Noise as it's Body was being Crushed by the Large Oak in Question?"

Muffin In

Fuck you Jay.

Did I Say Thursday and Monday?

Son of a bitch. I said Monday didn't I? Wtf. I totally thought to myself, "Oh, on Tuesday I have to make a post because that's one of the two days that I said I'd do so." I fucked up guys. I fucked up real bad.

Fail.

Already a fail. Jesus Christ in Heaven. F my life. F it good and hard.

I don't even have anything good to say anyways. How about that basketball? I hear some things...might be happening...in basketball? You know, the big rich black guys, basketball.

I could of swore I overheard somebody mention the Lakers and as far as I know that's a Basketball team so it only follows that there is a bunch of stuff going on with basketball and any sport really that I don't know about because I frankly don't give a flying fuck. But that's besides the point.

What is the point you ask? Or for you basketball players, "What be the point you axe'n about?"

There it is right there. You ever notice how African American citizens pronounce "ask" as "axe"? Well first of all that's hilarious. It always makes me giggle. And secondly, do they, in turn, pronounce "basketball" as "baxeketball"? This is the kind of shit I sit around and think about. I blame my not so diverse upbringing in places like Northern Minnesota and Montana.

Speaking of "A Game of Thrones" the HBO series. Yes. Yes please. Yes please, may I have another? I was overall pretty happy with it. Nothing disappointed me. Most of the actors were as close as I could ever hope to be to what I imagined the characters would look like. It was all around pretty great. I'm pretty excited about the rest of the series. I'm totally underplaying my excitement here. I'm ecstatic about it, it was amazing, and I'm totally pumped for the rest. It was a total nerdgasm for anyone who has read to books. The mere idea was already pretty nerdgasmic in the first place though, so at this point it was just inevitable that it would be enjoyed assuming they didn't completely botch it, which they didn't.

I could finish with apologizing. Sorry I missed Monday already. It's like missing the first day of work or school or whatever other life responsibility that you want to substitute. Lol The first post of my new "schedule" and I missed it. You're all free to chastise me for it. Sorry gang, sorry I missed Monday. I'll do better next time. Maybe. Forgive me?

Muffin Out.

I'm Not Pointing Fingers Here, But Piss Off

Hey Hey Hey! That was of course a joke, you don't actually have to piss off. Unless you really want too, but who would want that? What kind of sick freak are you? This is totally the intro to my epic return to blogging. Despite the fact that I haven't really been gone that long, and I'm sure nobody even noticed. But regardless. Don't argue with me. You shits.

Anyways, so yes it does occur to me that I haven't posted in a millennia or two but, like all the other times I've disappointed you, I'll say this, get off my back. I was busy with, tons of important stuff and...yeah. Just busy in a totally manly way and all. I sure as hell wasn't being foolish, stupid, bitchy, emotional, or moody. That's EXACTLY what I was not doing. Not this guy! So mind your own damn business.

So to summarize what would most likely end up as a long pointless rant, I'm back, but I'm not going to lie to you all any longer, I'm not going to be daily like I kind of sort of was maybe in the beginning. I'm going to say like bi-weekly maybe? Something like that? Would you guys like that? Would you? Who's a good boy!? Who's a good boy!? You are!!!

But really.

Where the fuck does Pat Sajak get off selling vowels? What a complete douche, what a turd sandwich, what a punk ass.Who died and give him the right to go around selling vowels for outrageous prices? Double-You Tee Eff. Plus, Vanna White has a really big head compared to the rest of her body, what's up with that? Ewww.

Did anyone else hear that J-Lo is People's Magizene's sexiest woman for 2011? Go team J-Lo. I knew I was a big fan for a reason, ever since I was like 12. Coincidence? Nah. Can't be.

And another thing! I swear I had more stupid shit to say today, at work I was all over it. I was totally on the stupid shit to bring up ball today.

If your name is Joe please leave now.

I kid though. Don't go Joe. Just die. I mean what? Who? I didn't what? No way.

On a less random and cynical note. I suppose this is where I'd mention stuff about myself. You know. What I'm up too, what I'm doing, some plans I have that are semi related to this blog. Etc. So that being the case, I might try my hand at every different type of writing, for funsies. Like I'm going to start writing a really shitty book, just to try it, I might write some really shitty song lyrics, just to suck ass at it, maybe an article or two, maybe some poetry, maybe even a research type paper thing, who the frak knows? I'll just go crazy. It'll be a good time.

Speaking of you people, really? Who the hell has been waiting around for 2 und heif weeks for me to post again? Shouldn't you all be gone? Or had have given up? What kind of sad lives do you live that you've actually been waiting for me to post again about my own sad life. Get a hobby.

I mean that with love of course.

Expect my next post to be...what do you think? Like Monday or something? We should decide this right now. What days I update. Lets have a little pow-wow about it and everything. Okay, since I don't have time to wait around for you all to not answer my question, I'll decide like Monday and Thursday? Good idea me. I get a golden star. You all get to ***** with a **** and ***** off.

p.s. I had to add this, which was not in my original post.

First of all. I forgot to mention. The wisdom teeth thing went absolutely wonderful. Turns out I'm super human and didn't feel any pain afterwards, didn't need to take any of my drugs, and my jaw healed up really quick and everything went super perfect. It's like I'm a jaw-healing-machine. Wouldn't that be a shitty super power? Healing jaws quickly? Man that would blow.

Also, I want to say, looking in the blogs stats, there is a section of things people searched for on google that brought them here. Some of those things are just god damned hilarious. Here are some examples...

"awards for doing drugs, I'd have a shit ton." - My favorite.

"if a tree falls on a priest?" - Also pretty good

"what's more than a shit tons?" - Not great but still kind of a funny question. And I answered it.

"ray william johnson shitton fuckload" - A fun RayWilliamJohnson reference, he is Youtube famous.

Socrates Must of Had a Shit Ton of Wisdom Teeth

So who's in the mood for some blogging? THIS guy.

Though sadly it's been so long that I've forgotten how, or what, to blog about.

On Friday at 11 a.m. I'm getting my wisdom teeth removed. 4 of them I believe, though I'm not 100% certain because it doesn't matter to me how many I have, because soon they'll be out of my life forever. It's no rush either, they really aren't doing anything inconvenient in my mouth, it's just while I work at Dynojet, I get Dental Benefits so yeah. Going to use the crap out of that. Can you say saving tons of money getting some shit removed that I'd eventually need removed anyways?  I can.

Have you even wondered what the difference between crap-load, shit-load, and fuck-load was? Or for that matter, shit-ton and fuck-ton. Maybe even crap-ton now that you mention it.

Personally I'd say a shit-ton/load is more than a crap-ton/load but less than a fuck-ton/load. And of course, anything-ton is more than anything-load.

Just my humble opinion.

Back to the teeth though, I'm sort of nervous about the procedure but excited about the drugs. I'm going to be off my ass on pain killers this weekend. It's going to be shweet.

I'd like to make a shout-out. To myself, because I'm awesome. The amount of views on this blog have been steadily declining though, I can't tell if it's a waning interest or just the fact I haven't been posting anything at all lately. Or both.

Well then. That's all I have today, it's not a lot, but it's more than it has been lately, so go ahead and click some ads, do it for me, come on, and get on out of here. Come on, scat!

p.s. I'm totally going to have them put me under for the procedure btw. This guy won't be awake for shit!