The Black (Twitter?) Community

A person can imagine my surprise in finding that there is an awfully large African American community on Twitter. Not just a community, but a hilarious stereotypical one, especially considering how very 'white' of a concept Twitter is.

Not white meaning for or by white people necessarily, but white in the negative way a colored person might call something lame that's traditionally done by us honkies.

 For example, when a brotha sees a cracker wearing khaki pants and driving a Segway into a golf course parking lot, he might casually lean over to his homies and say, "hey, check out this WHITE ass mutha fucka!"

Anyways, to my point. I feel like the things I read, whilst following people of ghetto sensibilities, are exactly what I would hear if I were to hang around the projects in any large city.

Which makes sense considering these people are from the same social demographic.

What surprises me though, is how that 'culture' shifted from the streets to the Twitter. I'm reading stuff about baby mommas, barbecues, watermelon, and I kid you not, friend chicken. But that's not all. It's all communicated in some strange, internet, abbreviated form of 'Ebonics' which by the way, is now an official English dialect according to the Atlanta, Georgia PD. How fun is that fact? You like it.

I'm sitting there for upwards of 15 minutes trying my damnedest to translate this bastard spawn of the drunken night Ebonics spent with the internet, for each and every tweet, and let me tell you, those people tweet A LOT.

Oh God I just said 'those people' didn't I?

I'm so getting shanked for this.

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My reactions upon realizing what they've said happen as follows:

"Oooooooh he's...OH GOD HE'S GOT A GUN!?!?"

"So what he means is...he wants to...no, that can't be it...that's not...OMG dear Lord get the man some waffle fries!!!"

"So that bitch is angry with those other bitches because they know the bitch that's been all up on her broke ass baby daddy?"

I hold myself not liable for the things said, I'm merely paraphrasing what I've heard and seen.

Now, I'm not "from the block" or anything, but can you still be gangsta and ballin' if you have a Twitter account? How does that work? I'm not personally saying I would consider them any less for it, but I feel like they homies might.

Really though, wtf are these self proclaimed OGs doing on something like Twitter? You don't see me hanging around fight clubs, because I'm not a badass. So why are they hanging around Twitter, when they clearly aren't nerds? 

If you're tweeting about busting a cap in some playa's ass because he ain't got your shit, well, maybe you shouldn't be tweeting, you should be busting a cap in his ass.

Get your priorities straight.

Damn You Scooter Braun, Damn You

Apparently it's Scooter Braun's birthday today. If you don't know who that is, it's cool, neither did/do I.

But from what I gather he was the man who 'discovered' Justin Bieber on Youtube. I assume he's some sort of agent or something and blah blah blah everyone loves him because he found the boy wonder on the Youtube.

I know this because #happybirthdayscooter is currently 'trending' on twitter. Now, if this is all over your head I understand, because I wish I didn't know what any of it meant either. Oh God, please kill me.

I'll explain it for anyone who is lucky enough to have not gotten sucked into the hell that is twitter. SO here is how it goes down. People 'tweet' things, random shit, you know. And everyone is able to 'hashtag' topics and shit in that tweet if they so desire. A hashtag basically tags your tweet and any tweets with the same hashtag and makes it so if someone searched for it on twitter they can find all the tweets with the same hashtag on it. For example. I could go on and search #gameofthrones and a list of all the tweets that had #gameofthrones in it would magically appear so I could read all the comments people are making about GoT.

Now, when something is hashtag...ed enough it 'trends', meaning it one of the highest or most hashtaged things on twitter at the time. At least I'm fairly certain that's how this all works. Which makes it so whatevers big in the news or popular culture at the time tends to trend. Back when Charlie Sheen was all the biz, he trended, or when the tsunami hit Japan, that trended, etc. You get the idea.

ANYways. The reason I explained all of this is to complain about one God damned thing. #Happybirthdayscooter is currently trending because it's his birthday and millions of Bieb fans are thanking him for finding the Biebmeister.

I don't know why but something about that makes me want to burn down the world.

This man shouldn't be so well known. Because he is probably a behind the scenes kind of guy in the entertainment business. The only reason people know who he is is because he happened to discover the 9th wonder of the modern world. People are all celebrating his birthday because they love him and they love him because they love Beaver, I mean Bieber.

That's like if I celebrated George R.R. Martin's mother's birthday and thanked her for giving birth to Mr. Martin. Wouldn't that be a bit off to you? "Thanks George's mom, without you and your va-jay-jay we all would of never gotten to read this great book series decades down the road! Good Job!"

All the tweets for this Scooter guy are just thanking him for supplying the world with a teen pop sensation, hardly any are about his birthday at all, other than the hashtag they're tagged with. Wtf internet. Nobody would give a crap about this poor guy if he didn't give them B.

Or in my case, cool name Scooter, you asshole, what are you 7? I'll never forgive you for what you've done to me and to the world. Watch your back.

Helloooooo Ladies

Guess who is officially ready to be back on the market? THIS guy. I've been technically on the shelves for a few months now but some of the paper work was misplaced and it took a while for me to get into the database and the system and stocked onto the shelves in the right location. You know how it is when making a unpersonificational comparison between a person and a product.

That's right, unpersonificational, I totally just made that up.

Either way. Life moves forward and we move on...

...onto my 21st birthday! That's right, come June 7th in what, 2 days? This guy is going to...calmly enjoy the benefits of being 21 whilst not doing anything stupid. Because to be honest I'm boring like that. But fear not, the dark recesses that make up the Montana bar scene will surely turn out a glorious amount of suitable women?

But really, to be honest I'm not and haven't been too terribly excited about turning 21. I have always been bad as being young though, the whole youthful ambition to cause trouble and mischief has always escaped me. I've never had a lot of urge to rebel or get shit faced or to act like a complete idiot. Mind you I said complete idiot, I'm always up for acting like half an idiot or so. So I, hopefully, won't be one of those cases where I end up getting my stomach pumped on my 21st.

Moving on from that. All I have left to look forward too is renting a car at the age of 25 and becoming president at 35. Other than those last two milestones it's all downhill from here. People should start celebrating those two ages as well. Wouldn't that be a good reason to throw a party? Drink when you're 21, throw a "renting my first car" party when you're 25, and throw a "I could legally be president if I so chose" party at 35.

I think I'll do that, you're all invited by the way. So in about 4 years, meet me at the nearest Enterprise and we'll rent me a car. Oh wait, they "pick you up" now...meet me at my place and we'll call Enterprise and have them send a car over. We can get the rental insurance and destroy it, together, it'll be a great time. Maybe I'll have games and contests to see who gets to drive it/wreck it first.

That started out as a joke but the more I sarcastically plan it out, the better of an idea it sounds...

Sea Biscuit! Write that down for me.

To explain, you see, Sea Biscuit is my personal secretary/editor/bitch and he does what I says. Boy.

But really, there is a project in the making and you fine people will find out about it in the future hopefully. Trying to get it off the ground and all. Saying things like "get it off the ground" helps because it makes it sound much more important and legit than it actually is.

Speaking of legit, I'm too legit, too legit, too legit to quit.

Shout out to my SISTA Nicole. If you got here via her twitter, leave a comment, and for ever person who got here via that twat (I meant that as a substitute for the word 'tweet' and in no way was referring to Nicole as a twat)...anyways if that twat Nikki sent you, show some love and she wins something for every person. She wins real good.

I'm not sure what yet. But I'll brain storm something up. And the rest of you too, if people get here by way of your twats, you win too.

I don't know what the prizes/gifts/sacrifices will be, but I do know you'll love it.

I should really think of a hook or something...

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Quandary of the day!

Mountain Dew or Coke?

Why? Because your opinion matters!

Additionally: It appears either nobody notices the poll on the upper right of the page or nobody cares. I'm going to assume it's that you're all idiots and nobody notices. Because 60 page views and only 2 votes? Come on people, get with the program. How hard is it to click 'Coke' or 'Mountain Dew' ? The answer is not at all. Now go vote mine muffins!

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We used to play this 'game' in High School where we would call over acquaintances to our table during lunch and ask them "Would You Rather?" questions that we made up ourselves. Usually just so afterward, no matter what they picked, we could laugh at them and chastise them for being disgusting or sick. I loved that 'game'. Because we always won.

There was no real point to that story, I just wanted to let you know. You're welcome for that potential new hobby idea. Try that shit during work, or with friends, maybe even relatives. Ask grandma if she would rather give a Rusty Trombone or receive a Cleveland Steamer? I dare you.

I apologize for anyone who knows what those are or looked them up. Making my parents proud, one blog post at a time. And for God's sake don't ask your grandma that. In fact it would be best if your grandma didn't even know you knew me. I can be your dirty little secret, who has to know?

Ohhhhhh ME. And maybe even YOU, if you're lucky.

What might I mean by that? Who knows. Who. Knows.



Disclaimer: Your opinion doesn't actually matter.