Damn You Scooter Braun, Damn You

Apparently it's Scooter Braun's birthday today. If you don't know who that is, it's cool, neither did/do I.

But from what I gather he was the man who 'discovered' Justin Bieber on Youtube. I assume he's some sort of agent or something and blah blah blah everyone loves him because he found the boy wonder on the Youtube.

I know this because #happybirthdayscooter is currently 'trending' on twitter. Now, if this is all over your head I understand, because I wish I didn't know what any of it meant either. Oh God, please kill me.

I'll explain it for anyone who is lucky enough to have not gotten sucked into the hell that is twitter. SO here is how it goes down. People 'tweet' things, random shit, you know. And everyone is able to 'hashtag' topics and shit in that tweet if they so desire. A hashtag basically tags your tweet and any tweets with the same hashtag and makes it so if someone searched for it on twitter they can find all the tweets with the same hashtag on it. For example. I could go on and search #gameofthrones and a list of all the tweets that had #gameofthrones in it would magically appear so I could read all the comments people are making about GoT.

Now, when something is hashtag...ed enough it 'trends', meaning it one of the highest or most hashtaged things on twitter at the time. At least I'm fairly certain that's how this all works. Which makes it so whatevers big in the news or popular culture at the time tends to trend. Back when Charlie Sheen was all the biz, he trended, or when the tsunami hit Japan, that trended, etc. You get the idea.

ANYways. The reason I explained all of this is to complain about one God damned thing. #Happybirthdayscooter is currently trending because it's his birthday and millions of Bieb fans are thanking him for finding the Biebmeister.

I don't know why but something about that makes me want to burn down the world.

This man shouldn't be so well known. Because he is probably a behind the scenes kind of guy in the entertainment business. The only reason people know who he is is because he happened to discover the 9th wonder of the modern world. People are all celebrating his birthday because they love him and they love him because they love Beaver, I mean Bieber.

That's like if I celebrated George R.R. Martin's mother's birthday and thanked her for giving birth to Mr. Martin. Wouldn't that be a bit off to you? "Thanks George's mom, without you and your va-jay-jay we all would of never gotten to read this great book series decades down the road! Good Job!"

All the tweets for this Scooter guy are just thanking him for supplying the world with a teen pop sensation, hardly any are about his birthday at all, other than the hashtag they're tagged with. Wtf internet. Nobody would give a crap about this poor guy if he didn't give them B.

Or in my case, cool name Scooter, you asshole, what are you 7? I'll never forgive you for what you've done to me and to the world. Watch your back.

Keeping it Going

There I am at this bar/club/thing and a thought struck me, struck me roughly in the temporal lobe, the left one to be specific. Anyways, that thought went a little something like this......bars/clubs are basically expensive, slightly classier, "grown-up" frats.

I'm just saying. You know it's true. It's like a frat party, but considerably more expensive, and considerably less sketchy.

I was still skeptical about this being single thing, skeptical for a good long time, but more and more I like the idea. It's been a while since I've been able to spread the old metaphorical wings. But I'm able to go out, have a good time, bring along two wingmen who were surprisingly helpful, and not worry about anything. Along those lines, I've also noticed I think I'm a bit of a late bloomer into the field of acting stupid and young. I went out before, sure, but never with much enthusiasm and I now find, being 21 and single, that I suddenly just now have to urge to go out on a regular basis and with enthusiasm. I feel like I'm a bit late to the punch. Shouldn't I have been wanting to do this since I was 16? All the time I've wasted being respectable and mature.

If you forget your card at the bar and didn't close your tab, you sort of HAVE to go back for it...and might as well enjoy yourself while you're there, am I right?

So I went on a night that was apparently "bucket night". Which means you buy a bucket of some sort of drink and drink said bucket. Except while I was drinking my bucket solo I looked around and realized (as I finished the bucket) that I was doing it wrong. This realization came to me because I noticed that there were tables full of girls all drinking out of one bucket. Like 657 girls per bucket. I was understandably outraged. Because not only did I not really want a gallon of some vodka mixed drink but nobody told ME I could enlist help. I could of shared with at least a half dozen sober girls in need of a buzz...

...Sadly by the time I figured that out my bucket was gone and I forgot who I was.

Time Traveling Osama Would of Warned Himself

Well, this is awkward, I didn't think I'd see you guys here. So...yeah...how about that weather? What? No, me completely abandon you? Not this guy. I would never. It's just I was busy and you were busy and it's not you, it's me. I swear. No, don't cry, daddy's back.

All personification of an abstract/hypothetical situation aside. I'm all moved into my new place. It's pretty balling, if you don't mind my street lingo. I only recently acquired wireless internet so that's one of the many poor excuses I have for not posting anything in the last large unrealistically exaggerated amount of time. But hey, on the bright side, maybe I'll have lots of quality content to put forth now? Ha. That's classic me. Lying to myself.

Have you ever noticed that Greyhounds are very often not grey? What the F is up with that? What jaggass decided one day to name a dog by a color it wasn't always or even usually found in? Like Black Bear, that makes sense, I've never seen a Black Bear that wasn't, well, black. That was a poor judgement call by the guy who named the Greyhound, that son of a bitch.

Also, while we're here. You know how you know that you'll never invent a time machine? Because if at any time in your future you invented a time machine, you'd probably end up going back in time, and you'd of found out now in the present, so because nobody's ever come back in time to fix or change or do whatever they wanted to now, you know that no one ever will. Because since it's in the future, it would of happened already, sort of? Especially right now, I'm deciding that if I ever make a time machine, I'll come back to right now and tell myself. So I'm waiting....oh wait, I never showed up, how rude of me, what an asshole, making myself wait for myself like this. Damn. Damn it all to hell.

I would almost guarantee that Mr. Fields ate too many cookies and got diabetes and died. THAT'S why you only ever hear about Mrs. Fields. That old bitch.

I missed my chance to talk about Osama and or make bad jokes. I regret being busy because that would of probably been a gold mine. But I will say this, I heard the guy loved Coke and drank it every day. How very Western and American of him, the irony of that is killing me. Or actually killing him I suppose. OH!

I bet Toby Keith was excited beyond belief when he heard that old goat herder was dead.

This will have to just be a "Hey I'm back!" post and I'll try to think of some bits and shit to start doing again. You know, stuff to actually grab your attention and not waste your life away and cause you to cut yourself at night. Thanks for sticking around. I promise to try not to let you down. I will. But I promise to try not to.

Have a good one my little muffins.

p.s. Shout out to my brotha from anotha motha Dillon James Estabrooks. His cracka ass grad-ja-matated yesterday and his party is as we speak. Sorry I couldn't make it buddy, you know, money, life, work, etc. But you wait until you see the gift I'm getting you but haven't gotten you yet! It'll be great. You'll love it, maybe even too much. You sick bastard.