Intelligent Investment

Guess who the brand new owner of www.TotallyToastedTuesday.com is...

I was drunk, don't judge me.

Not only was that domain bought at an unreasonable hour but it was not even sort of Tuesday, but there was Totally a disappointing lack in Toast.

What compelled me to spend an undisclosed amount of money on a website that, as of yet, has not an ounce of content on it? It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Call it an investment.

If any of you have actually been purposely checking in from time to time to see if I've written anything new since September 8th...well jokes on you, go expect things from someone else.

If my room smelled any stronger of lilacs I'd be a tad concerned, but luckily I love lilacs, they smell fucking pretty. But I am a huge fan of the way they smell, no homo.

Well that's all you get for now. Get out of here.

The Black (Twitter?) Community

A person can imagine my surprise in finding that there is an awfully large African American community on Twitter. Not just a community, but a hilarious stereotypical one, especially considering how very 'white' of a concept Twitter is.

Not white meaning for or by white people necessarily, but white in the negative way a colored person might call something lame that's traditionally done by us honkies.

 For example, when a brotha sees a cracker wearing khaki pants and driving a Segway into a golf course parking lot, he might casually lean over to his homies and say, "hey, check out this WHITE ass mutha fucka!"

Anyways, to my point. I feel like the things I read, whilst following people of ghetto sensibilities, are exactly what I would hear if I were to hang around the projects in any large city.

Which makes sense considering these people are from the same social demographic.

What surprises me though, is how that 'culture' shifted from the streets to the Twitter. I'm reading stuff about baby mommas, barbecues, watermelon, and I kid you not, friend chicken. But that's not all. It's all communicated in some strange, internet, abbreviated form of 'Ebonics' which by the way, is now an official English dialect according to the Atlanta, Georgia PD. How fun is that fact? You like it.

I'm sitting there for upwards of 15 minutes trying my damnedest to translate this bastard spawn of the drunken night Ebonics spent with the internet, for each and every tweet, and let me tell you, those people tweet A LOT.

Oh God I just said 'those people' didn't I?

I'm so getting shanked for this.

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My reactions upon realizing what they've said happen as follows:

"Oooooooh he's...OH GOD HE'S GOT A GUN!?!?"

"So what he means is...he wants to...no, that can't be it...that's not...OMG dear Lord get the man some waffle fries!!!"

"So that bitch is angry with those other bitches because they know the bitch that's been all up on her broke ass baby daddy?"

I hold myself not liable for the things said, I'm merely paraphrasing what I've heard and seen.

Now, I'm not "from the block" or anything, but can you still be gangsta and ballin' if you have a Twitter account? How does that work? I'm not personally saying I would consider them any less for it, but I feel like they homies might.

Really though, wtf are these self proclaimed OGs doing on something like Twitter? You don't see me hanging around fight clubs, because I'm not a badass. So why are they hanging around Twitter, when they clearly aren't nerds? 

If you're tweeting about busting a cap in some playa's ass because he ain't got your shit, well, maybe you shouldn't be tweeting, you should be busting a cap in his ass.

Get your priorities straight.

You Know Me

Yeah yeah yeah, I know, it's been a while, again. Always is. You know how I do.

So reaching back a bit I have great news that I think I neglected to share, I think. Did I mention J-Lo and Mark Anthony are getting divorced? Isn't that great news? It's late news by now, but I stand by the fact I was the first to know, because she just absolutely wouldn't quit texting me. Even called a few times. But that's not me. I'm giving it some space before I move in and become Mr. J-Lo. Giving it some time. I got class like that. So just keep your pants on Jennifer, I'll get there. You just wait.

In other news that isn't as late but still fairly late. I saw "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" and personally I loved it. It was great. They did certain things in just the right way to personally get my sensibilities all sorts of fired up. Also, when that Ape killed Draco Malfoy, I'm not going to lie, I was pretty excited. Too bad Harry wasn't there to get offed as well.

Cowboys and Aliens wasn't bad either. How could it be? With it's line up, it should of been called "Indiana Jones, James Bond, and Aliens." What I didn't understand is why didn't Han Solo just fly in with his Millennium Falcon and blast those Aliens right of the sky? Oh and don't forget Olivia Wilde. DAMN. Is all I'm going to say about that. Oh wait here comes more, DAMN.

While on the subject of movies. I finally watched "The Social Network." I was just about the last person to see it, but like rumors suggested, it was actually pretty damn good. I have no idea how someone make a movie about Facebook interesting, but boy howdy they did.

Like usual I feel like there were all sorts of things I wanted to mention but now that it comes down to it I don't recall.

Damn these I've been away a while posts. Always such shite. I blame you people. You know that right?

Besides it appears all I've been doing since my last post has been seeing movies.

Click it or Ticket

I recently wrote a lil something something for a friend of mine's blog. Someone I've known for a long time, who has a blog, that apparently gets more traffic than this one. All social networking issues aside, I'm pretty excited to write FOR something/someone else.

Even if it's really nothing more than what I'm doing here, it feels like progress. Go check it out. Maybe I'll write more for his thing. Maybe I'll end up having a spot there, doing a once weekly, every whatever day I want, thing.

Maybe monkeys will fulfill a dream of mine and attempt to mug me, giving me an excuse to shank a few of them in self defense.

Oh the dreams we have.

But really gang, if you don't click this link I don't know why I even invite you here. This is a story. A story among stories. A story so special I saved it for that other blog. So help me God if you don't click this link you are hereby BANNED from my blog until the end of time itself. Just do it. Come on.

>>>>>>> Objurgation <<<<<<<


                                      ^ That's the link jackasses. Click it.

Shark Week

While we're on the topic of sharks. It's everyones favorite week. Shark week. Join me next week for my "Avoiding Water More than Waist Deep" week. It'll be a blast.

Shark week has the amazing ability to remind me just why it is I don't swim in the ocean or any rivers that connect to an ocean nearby.

Partaking in hours of footage and dramatic reenactments of people losing limbs and lives does that to a person. I don't know how anyone goes swimming after watching shark week.

Actually, I almost guarantee that the beach population drops at least a little during and around shark week. I wouldn't be surprised.

I know when I see a montage of two and a half ton Great whites flying 15 feet out of the water in a fury of blood and teeth it doesn't particularly inspire me to go to South Africa and go for a dip.

Call me cautious but I don't intend to go splashing around a cove that used to be a dumping point for a meat processing plant.

Or swimming 2000 miles away from any land in the middle of the Pacific Ocean where it's so void of life, when you splash around like a jackass, the little bit of life there is anywhere nearby (giant man eating Great whites), definitely know that YOU are there.

Or free diving off the cost of Africa so I can feed some large female Tiger sharks by hand during mating season while I swim with them and three other highly dangerous species of sharks.

Maybe instead I'll go punch a bear in the face just to see what happens.

What I want to know is one thing.

How much do you have to pay one of those camera men? The ones getting the dynamic shots from in and under the water, the ones who aren't scientists or even shark enthusiasts, the ones who are just plain camera men looking to use a camera? How the fuck much do they get paid? Because that crazy ass Steve Irwin looking mother fucker in the water, he wants to be there, and is willing to risk his life for his passion in sharks.

But the lowly camera man who probably doesn't give two shits about sharks. I'm sure it takes a lot of money to convince him that it's a good idea to go bobbing around in the all you can eat ocean buffet.

Personally there are two ways I don't plan on dying in this world.

One, being drug under water and eaten by a shark while I simultaneously drown and bleed out.

And two,  hanging upside down, naked, and by my ankles while somebody saws me in half groin to  neck.

That's 'Sawing' folks.

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Remember kids, if you feel the need to know what's going on in my mind besides what I spill here. Come check out my personal blog and find out just what the hell it is, that I'm thinking.

Link on the top right of the page.

Or for you idiots ------------------> Something Something Life

But really, eventually I won't do                ^                that for you, so find the one at the top right.

You Know What's Apparently Stressful?

I'm just perusing all the news on the entire internet right? And I come across an article.

This article is initially intriguing and cool, it's about a Great White shark leaping onto a research boat and getting stuck onboard. Cool right?

But upon reading some quotes from researchers on the boat, I realized, these people can't be scientists, because they're just too fucking stupid. Here are two hilarious quotes that make me go REALLY!?!?! YA THINK!?!?

"Incredibly stressful" - Really dude? An eleven hundred pound killing machine leaping onto your medium sized research vessel was stressful? No. I don't believe you. That can't be.

"These sharks belong in the sea, they don't belong on land." - I don't even have anything to say to this one.

Other than I sincerely hope that he and his entire family get eaten by a bear. And I hope while he's dying via bear, he screams, "This bear doesn't belong in my house, he belongs in the forest."

That's what happens when you read BBC News. You get this shit. I'm almost upset at how stupid these quotes are. Two things that probably go without saying. Yes, half ton killing machines flying out of the water is probably a stressful situation to find yourself in, and yes, fish do belong in the water.

Well put researchers. How are those advanced degrees treating you?

You jackasses.

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Don't forget to check out my personal blog if you care for a more personal glimpse into my personal life, personally.

Link should be at the top right, it's "Something Something Life"

Learn how to navigate web pages and go find it. Geezus.

Also, I might be posting the occasional gem on a friend's blog, it should be a good time. Stay tuned for that. I'll link the shit out of you if and when it happens. It should be GOLD. Peace.

Guess Who's Back, Back Again

Oh wow. Where to even start? Well I could start with enthusiastically imforming you that I'll be posting any of my personal type themed posts on my new blog for just such a purpose. So here it goes.

DID YOU KNOW!?!?!? That from now on I'll be posting any personal type entries on my new personal blog for just that purpose?!?! Well you do now. Bitches.

ANYwho...

Minnesota's government shut down while I was there. Ha. Haha. Hahaha. Oh you, Minnesota, with your money issues and your solving those issues by shutting down the government and effectively losing more money. Great idea you guys. The liberals blame the conservatives and the conservatives blame the liberals. How completely unexpected. Who could of foreseen that turn of events.

Well. As I've always sort of just started saying. "It seems to me the last people we want in office, are politicians." Ironically enough. If you read that with the right amount of open mindedness it seems philosophical, I swear.

Do you ever makes notes to yourself that you read at a much later date and go, "WTF was I talking about?" thus making the note completely useless?

Oh you don't? Me either......

In other news. For those of you who didn't hear about it like a month ago when it apparently happened, gay marriage was legalized in New York. So for all you alternative-sexuals out there. Congratulations. I mean it. Way to win. Because in the end. When did it become my right as an American citizen to deny you the right to get married in the first place? I don't believe it ever was. So hats off to 'you people' getting what rights you rightfully deserve the rights too.

This is old news but I wanted to make the joke. It came to my attention a while ago that there is a Senator with the last name Wiener.

No, that's not all.

This Wiener guy, was sending pictures of his wiener via twitter, I think it was. But the important part to me was the fact that this man was being very ironic. In fact. So ironic it hurts. How much more foreshadowing can a name do? Next they'll be some headline titled. "Congressman Vehicularmanslaughter Kills a Family of 4 in a Car Accident" OH NO! IF ONLY WE WOULD OF KNOWN!?

Basically what I'm saying is, If your last name is Shoemaker and you're making shoes, I'm not real fucking surprised. Now if you're last name is Shoemaker and you shit bacon, that, that surprises me.

Also, Ryan Dunn, a minor celebrity from the show "Jackass" died sometime in the last couple months. Everyone's real sad. Except the people who heard he was intoxicated and going grossly over the speed limit, they're not as sad about it.

If you put a T between South Dakota it makes the acronym 'STD'?

Coincidence? I think not. Because traveling through South Dakota is sort of like having an STD. Except no matter how many antibiotics you take, South Dakota doesn't go away.

Oh and here's a link to the blog I made specifically so you didn't have to read the crap I'll be posting there, here, so you won't have to go, ugh, I have to read all this? Or wow, that's not funny at all, the one, the only, Something Something Life