The Customer is Always Right

Bullshit. I'm calling bullshit on that. If you've ever worked customer service I'm sure you've found that it is quite the opposite story.

The customer is usually confused and mislead. They don't really understand what they want or how it works. They try to abuse the coupon systems and often feel that they can "find it cheaper online".

Can you? Can you find it cheaper online? Well then why the fuck are you in my store? Get the fuck out and buy it online you rude asshole. Coming into MY HOUSE and telling me my shit is overpriced, I ought to stab you in the neck. Fuck you.

Not to mention that customers often find it necessary to treat me like a big piece of shit, like I'm the enemy, like I'm out to steal their money and inconvenience their day. I've had more than a few old people almost jump the counter and attack me over shit like .40 cents. They'll even inconvenience themselves and waste everyone's time, mine, theirs', the customers in line behind them, everyone's. All over a misunderstanding involving a coupon that literally saves them such minimal amounts of money that it would be laughable if it wasn't so flipping ignorant.

Don't get me started on the condescending looks and rude names some feel the need to give. Oh I'm sorry, you want this outdated coupon to get you two gallons of milk for a different amount than is even on the invalid coupon? Oh you're right, I MUST be a fucking idiot, I'm sorry sir, here, here is your piss off. Piss off you old rude shit.

If you need something by tomorrow morning and you assume I have it, and I don't, it's not my fucking fault if you don't have time to find it somewhere else. Don't bitch at me about you're own stupid ass not planning ahead. I don't give a shit who promised you that we sold whatever dumb ass adapter you need for your trip to Europe. Did I tell you we sold that? No? Well then fuck you it's not my problem you waited this long to find one, shit bag.

Oh and you bastards, you God damn jackasses, if you buy something that I sell at Radioshack, from Walmart, and then bring it to me at RadioShack to make it work. I'll kill you, I'll fucking kill you. 

People actually pull that shit. I swear. They'll buy a phone or something at Walmart and bring it to me to teach them how to use it. Wtf. Why didn't you just buy it here you shit? They have the nerve to walk in here with that Walmart bag full of electronics so I can provide them with the proper support? They're lucky I don't burn down their houses.

Meanwhile, while all this is happening, I somehow continue to smile and nod like a trained monkey, allowing these ungrateful asses to treat me like shit, because I'm good at my job. Thanks for stopping, having a nice day.

Damn Girl, What You Been Eating?

I've decided that maybe the reason I never post on here is because I don't like you. Yeah, you know who you are, sitting there all smug, reading this like you know me, just get out of here.

And go get a job you hippies.

You're lucky I don't know anything about politics or I'd probably have all sorts of stupid ass outrageous opinions that I'd try to force on everybody else. 

I can't wait until Skynet takes over and plummets the world into a horrifying robot apocalypse. That'll teach you all to walk around being people and doing people things.

Or Megatron, I wouldn't mind that one either.

Either way works for me as long as you're all being enslaved by your microwaves and such.

If you haven't checked out my Twitter yet, don't, because I hate everyone over there.

Speaking of douche bags, Google+ was all like "Hey Bro, you should like totally switch from Blogger to G+ and like yeah Bro, just do it!"

That's right, Google talks like a giant tool, you didn't know? Where the hell have you been?

See you in a couple months?

Intelligent Investment

Guess who the brand new owner of www.TotallyToastedTuesday.com is...

I was drunk, don't judge me.

Not only was that domain bought at an unreasonable hour but it was not even sort of Tuesday, but there was Totally a disappointing lack in Toast.

What compelled me to spend an undisclosed amount of money on a website that, as of yet, has not an ounce of content on it? It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Call it an investment.

If any of you have actually been purposely checking in from time to time to see if I've written anything new since September 8th...well jokes on you, go expect things from someone else.

If my room smelled any stronger of lilacs I'd be a tad concerned, but luckily I love lilacs, they smell fucking pretty. But I am a huge fan of the way they smell, no homo.

Well that's all you get for now. Get out of here.

The Black (Twitter?) Community

A person can imagine my surprise in finding that there is an awfully large African American community on Twitter. Not just a community, but a hilarious stereotypical one, especially considering how very 'white' of a concept Twitter is.

Not white meaning for or by white people necessarily, but white in the negative way a colored person might call something lame that's traditionally done by us honkies.

 For example, when a brotha sees a cracker wearing khaki pants and driving a Segway into a golf course parking lot, he might casually lean over to his homies and say, "hey, check out this WHITE ass mutha fucka!"

Anyways, to my point. I feel like the things I read, whilst following people of ghetto sensibilities, are exactly what I would hear if I were to hang around the projects in any large city.

Which makes sense considering these people are from the same social demographic.

What surprises me though, is how that 'culture' shifted from the streets to the Twitter. I'm reading stuff about baby mommas, barbecues, watermelon, and I kid you not, friend chicken. But that's not all. It's all communicated in some strange, internet, abbreviated form of 'Ebonics' which by the way, is now an official English dialect according to the Atlanta, Georgia PD. How fun is that fact? You like it.

I'm sitting there for upwards of 15 minutes trying my damnedest to translate this bastard spawn of the drunken night Ebonics spent with the internet, for each and every tweet, and let me tell you, those people tweet A LOT.

Oh God I just said 'those people' didn't I?

I'm so getting shanked for this.

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My reactions upon realizing what they've said happen as follows:

"Oooooooh he's...OH GOD HE'S GOT A GUN!?!?"

"So what he means is...he wants to...no, that can't be it...that's not...OMG dear Lord get the man some waffle fries!!!"

"So that bitch is angry with those other bitches because they know the bitch that's been all up on her broke ass baby daddy?"

I hold myself not liable for the things said, I'm merely paraphrasing what I've heard and seen.

Now, I'm not "from the block" or anything, but can you still be gangsta and ballin' if you have a Twitter account? How does that work? I'm not personally saying I would consider them any less for it, but I feel like they homies might.

Really though, wtf are these self proclaimed OGs doing on something like Twitter? You don't see me hanging around fight clubs, because I'm not a badass. So why are they hanging around Twitter, when they clearly aren't nerds? 

If you're tweeting about busting a cap in some playa's ass because he ain't got your shit, well, maybe you shouldn't be tweeting, you should be busting a cap in his ass.

Get your priorities straight.

You Know Me

Yeah yeah yeah, I know, it's been a while, again. Always is. You know how I do.

So reaching back a bit I have great news that I think I neglected to share, I think. Did I mention J-Lo and Mark Anthony are getting divorced? Isn't that great news? It's late news by now, but I stand by the fact I was the first to know, because she just absolutely wouldn't quit texting me. Even called a few times. But that's not me. I'm giving it some space before I move in and become Mr. J-Lo. Giving it some time. I got class like that. So just keep your pants on Jennifer, I'll get there. You just wait.

In other news that isn't as late but still fairly late. I saw "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" and personally I loved it. It was great. They did certain things in just the right way to personally get my sensibilities all sorts of fired up. Also, when that Ape killed Draco Malfoy, I'm not going to lie, I was pretty excited. Too bad Harry wasn't there to get offed as well.

Cowboys and Aliens wasn't bad either. How could it be? With it's line up, it should of been called "Indiana Jones, James Bond, and Aliens." What I didn't understand is why didn't Han Solo just fly in with his Millennium Falcon and blast those Aliens right of the sky? Oh and don't forget Olivia Wilde. DAMN. Is all I'm going to say about that. Oh wait here comes more, DAMN.

While on the subject of movies. I finally watched "The Social Network." I was just about the last person to see it, but like rumors suggested, it was actually pretty damn good. I have no idea how someone make a movie about Facebook interesting, but boy howdy they did.

Like usual I feel like there were all sorts of things I wanted to mention but now that it comes down to it I don't recall.

Damn these I've been away a while posts. Always such shite. I blame you people. You know that right?

Besides it appears all I've been doing since my last post has been seeing movies.

Click it or Ticket

I recently wrote a lil something something for a friend of mine's blog. Someone I've known for a long time, who has a blog, that apparently gets more traffic than this one. All social networking issues aside, I'm pretty excited to write FOR something/someone else.

Even if it's really nothing more than what I'm doing here, it feels like progress. Go check it out. Maybe I'll write more for his thing. Maybe I'll end up having a spot there, doing a once weekly, every whatever day I want, thing.

Maybe monkeys will fulfill a dream of mine and attempt to mug me, giving me an excuse to shank a few of them in self defense.

Oh the dreams we have.

But really gang, if you don't click this link I don't know why I even invite you here. This is a story. A story among stories. A story so special I saved it for that other blog. So help me God if you don't click this link you are hereby BANNED from my blog until the end of time itself. Just do it. Come on.

>>>>>>> Objurgation <<<<<<<


                                      ^ That's the link jackasses. Click it.

Shark Week

While we're on the topic of sharks. It's everyones favorite week. Shark week. Join me next week for my "Avoiding Water More than Waist Deep" week. It'll be a blast.

Shark week has the amazing ability to remind me just why it is I don't swim in the ocean or any rivers that connect to an ocean nearby.

Partaking in hours of footage and dramatic reenactments of people losing limbs and lives does that to a person. I don't know how anyone goes swimming after watching shark week.

Actually, I almost guarantee that the beach population drops at least a little during and around shark week. I wouldn't be surprised.

I know when I see a montage of two and a half ton Great whites flying 15 feet out of the water in a fury of blood and teeth it doesn't particularly inspire me to go to South Africa and go for a dip.

Call me cautious but I don't intend to go splashing around a cove that used to be a dumping point for a meat processing plant.

Or swimming 2000 miles away from any land in the middle of the Pacific Ocean where it's so void of life, when you splash around like a jackass, the little bit of life there is anywhere nearby (giant man eating Great whites), definitely know that YOU are there.

Or free diving off the cost of Africa so I can feed some large female Tiger sharks by hand during mating season while I swim with them and three other highly dangerous species of sharks.

Maybe instead I'll go punch a bear in the face just to see what happens.

What I want to know is one thing.

How much do you have to pay one of those camera men? The ones getting the dynamic shots from in and under the water, the ones who aren't scientists or even shark enthusiasts, the ones who are just plain camera men looking to use a camera? How the fuck much do they get paid? Because that crazy ass Steve Irwin looking mother fucker in the water, he wants to be there, and is willing to risk his life for his passion in sharks.

But the lowly camera man who probably doesn't give two shits about sharks. I'm sure it takes a lot of money to convince him that it's a good idea to go bobbing around in the all you can eat ocean buffet.

Personally there are two ways I don't plan on dying in this world.

One, being drug under water and eaten by a shark while I simultaneously drown and bleed out.

And two,  hanging upside down, naked, and by my ankles while somebody saws me in half groin to  neck.

That's 'Sawing' folks.

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Remember kids, if you feel the need to know what's going on in my mind besides what I spill here. Come check out my personal blog and find out just what the hell it is, that I'm thinking.

Link on the top right of the page.

Or for you idiots ------------------> Something Something Life

But really, eventually I won't do                ^                that for you, so find the one at the top right.