Home of the Homeless

Eugene, Oregon.

That clever little title has multiple meanings. That's right, I'm moving up and using doubled meanings in my titles, fucking fancy right? RIGHT?!

But it refers to myself having more or less packed up without a plan and coming West, hoping to find a place to live and a place to work. Leaving me effectively homeless for a while. But it also alludes to the high amount of homeless people in and around Eugene.

That's right. If you've ever watched Disney's Aladdin, street rats, all over. Except they don't have monkey pals or flying carpets, nor do they show much interest in magic...

Anyways, awfully entitled bunch of hippies if you ask me. They sleep in little tent communities downtown and have signs that say shit like, "We have the right to sleep".

I'm not sure what kind of liberal ass bullshit that even is.

Not that they don't, I suppose they do have that right, but to parade around with a sign that says it, what does that even mean? Are they implying that they have the right to sleep wherever they want? I mean, just sleep then, don't go around waving signs at me for me to read way too far into and eventually cause ME to lose sleep as I lay awake at night wondering wtf you mean. You jerks.

Oh and that salsa bar in Carl's Jr. With the complimentary fixings and whatnot, that's not there so you can take 26 cups of salsa, homeless guy. Especially if you drag your dirty sleeve through the little bit of salsa you didn't take.

I'm not judging him for being homeless, homeless or not, I don't like dirty sleeves in my fast food toppings.

And an awful lot of them have cell phones and tobacco products. Odd. Odd indeed.

Almost like for most of them it's a lifestyle choice because they big hippies.

Big. Damn. Hippies. I blame the intense amount of liberal idealism in the area. It's all artistic and free thinking. Gross. What happened to being productive and having deep repressed anger issues and hating things that are different or new?

America.

Public Urination 2011

Some of you might know this story, some of you might not. I had originally posted this on a friends blog and agreed not to double post, but I haven't heard from that shit in forever and a lot of you probably weren't able to navigate the interwebs and find it on his blog back when it was originally posted. I don't blame you, it's not your fault that you're bad at the internet. I guess. Either way, here is that story, a favorite of mine. Boom.

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Two feet planted as firmly as a drunken asshole can plant them, dick in hand, urinating figure 8's on the side of some guys car in a mostly empty parking lot a 3 a.m.


That's where I found myself when a man on a bicycle pulls up and inquires upon what the hell I'm doing. In which I answered with a simple, "I had to pee".

After a few confusing question, confusing like, "what's your address?" and "can I see your I.D.?" It slowly occurs to my intoxicated mind that this guy might or might not be a Police Officer.

I stumbled through giving him an incorrect address due to the fact that my drunk ass simply couldn't remember. I then obediently handed him my I.D.

I continued to wonder why this guy on the bike was so interested in what I was doing. Remembering, "Oh yeah, he's a Cop, I think."

He noticed some other hooligans trying to go about their business and commands me to stay put, I oblige and try to continue standing while looking at his bike and reading...P-O-L-I-C-E on the side. "Shit" I think to myself, I consider hopping on the bike and peddling off, but I remember, he has my I.D.

I wait for him to return, when he does he immediately starts to write me a ticket for Public Urination and says things like, "That's gross." and "How would you like it if someone peed on your car?" and "I saw you, I saw you drawing 8's and peeing all over." and finally he ended with "Don't be sorry, just stop peeing on cars."

The moral of the story is. I got a ticket for public urination and I really couldn't be more proud of myself. That's one thing I can check off my life's list.

I might frame the ticket.

Close Enough!

As my last post may or may not have very specifically mentioned, I intended on relocating to Seattle, WA.

I, of course, picked Seattle for its proximity to actual things actually happening and its location on the West Coast.

That being said...I moved to Eugene, Oregon.

Which, to be honest, I find is considerably nicer that any of the places in or around Seattle that I could afford, plus it's got a hell of a lot of character for a place loaded with hippies and liberals.

I look forward to an entire winter of no snow and hopefully finding a job. Someday.

Hopes and Dreams

As you might or might not know, early 2012 I moved to Minnesota from Bozeman, MT in an attempt to wrestle control of my life and do my own G thang.

It's been great so far, as I've previously stated, but it's getting about time to mosey on the hell out. My next move is Seattle.

Random I know, but I got to talking with a friend of mine from Montana and he is in a similar boat. Uninspired and not completely convinced that he should go into debt just to get a stuffy career that he can work until he is dead.

We agreed that it would be awesome to just do cool shit that you love, and make a job of that. But who doesn't want that? What a pipe dream, am I right???

Well screw you, I'm going to try anyways, you pessimistic ass. I'll chase these hopes and dreams all I want.

That being the case, we decided it might be neat to relocate and actually do/attempt some of the shit we talk about. We decided Seattle might be the place, so here I am, planning on doing just that.

Anyways, extended rant aside. I'm super poor, and moving isn't cheap. That being said, I've decided to shamelessly beg the internet for money, what can it hurt? Just hear me out here, don't leave.

Click it! http://www.gofundme.com/Seattlebound

Thanks in advanced, you charitable people you.

2012

I don't read blogs enough to know whether or not it's cliche to post a post New Year post.

But I feel like it probably is, though I've committed at this point and thusly will continue forward.

I suppose 2012 was just fine.

I started the last year by up and moving from Bozeman, MT to New Ulm, MN. It was pretty sudden, completely random, and I don't regret a damn thing.

I lived with my sister and job hunted for a couple months. Being a bum was pretty neat. I guess. 

I ended up going to England and Ireland for spring break. That was considerably more neat than being a bum. Drank, traveled, met oversea bros, even urinated on a castle. It was great.

I finally got a job, another, and another, and worked three jobs until I was dead inside, that wasn't neat even a little. I worked and maybe sometimes slept, it was really just peachy.

I eventually quit two of the three jobs. That, as they say, was that.

I bounced on over to the ol' internet and became ordained under the "Universal Life Church" so I could marry a couple friends of mine. That was definitely badass. I got up in front of people, of real people, and married a couple. People are bound in legal matrimony because of me. ME. That's right, be impressed and concerned.

I drank and partied like a boss at the reception too. To the surprise of most of the wedding guests who didn't realize I'm just some guy who got ordained and am not really anywhere close to being a holy man.

I basically spent the last leg of 2012 working at Radioshack and selling shit like a complete man. A manly man.

p.s. I can almost grow enough facial hair that I almost have to shave every day before work. Almost.

We got this far, and even made those damned Mayans look like idiots. It's the future bitches. 2013.

Daniel Arndt: Universal Philosopher of Absolute Reality

A friend of mine is getting married in August.

So I decided, why the fuck not, and got ordained online so I can marry them myself.

That's right, I'm officially qualified to perform weddings, baptisms, ceremonies, funerals, and other such rituals.

I'm running a special on Baptisms next week. Who wants one?

Thinking of getting an outfit and having shenanigans whilst wearing it.

The Customer is Always Right

Bullshit. I'm calling bullshit on that. If you've ever worked customer service I'm sure you've found that it is quite the opposite story.

The customer is usually confused and mislead. They don't really understand what they want or how it works. They try to abuse the coupon systems and often feel that they can "find it cheaper online".

Can you? Can you find it cheaper online? Well then why the fuck are you in my store? Get the fuck out and buy it online you rude asshole. Coming into MY HOUSE and telling me my shit is overpriced, I ought to stab you in the neck. Fuck you.

Not to mention that customers often find it necessary to treat me like a big piece of shit, like I'm the enemy, like I'm out to steal their money and inconvenience their day. I've had more than a few old people almost jump the counter and attack me over shit like .40 cents. They'll even inconvenience themselves and waste everyone's time, mine, theirs', the customers in line behind them, everyone's. All over a misunderstanding involving a coupon that literally saves them such minimal amounts of money that it would be laughable if it wasn't so flipping ignorant.

Don't get me started on the condescending looks and rude names some feel the need to give. Oh I'm sorry, you want this outdated coupon to get you two gallons of milk for a different amount than is even on the invalid coupon? Oh you're right, I MUST be a fucking idiot, I'm sorry sir, here, here is your piss off. Piss off you old rude shit.

If you need something by tomorrow morning and you assume I have it, and I don't, it's not my fucking fault if you don't have time to find it somewhere else. Don't bitch at me about you're own stupid ass not planning ahead. I don't give a shit who promised you that we sold whatever dumb ass adapter you need for your trip to Europe. Did I tell you we sold that? No? Well then fuck you it's not my problem you waited this long to find one, shit bag.

Oh and you bastards, you God damn jackasses, if you buy something that I sell at Radioshack, from Walmart, and then bring it to me at RadioShack to make it work. I'll kill you, I'll fucking kill you. 

People actually pull that shit. I swear. They'll buy a phone or something at Walmart and bring it to me to teach them how to use it. Wtf. Why didn't you just buy it here you shit? They have the nerve to walk in here with that Walmart bag full of electronics so I can provide them with the proper support? They're lucky I don't burn down their houses.

Meanwhile, while all this is happening, I somehow continue to smile and nod like a trained monkey, allowing these ungrateful asses to treat me like shit, because I'm good at my job. Thanks for stopping, having a nice day.