Monday, February 28, 2011

If a Bear Eats Corn and Shits in the Woods, is it Maize or Hominy?

Have you ever looked at a speed limit sign and thought to yourself "Challenge Accepted"?


As far as I know, in the English language alone, corn is called three different things. Corn, Maize, and Hominy.

What the f*ck is that about? Why does corn, perhaps the most pointless vegetable to eat, have three names? That's just ridiculous. Who decided this?! And where was I when that vote happened?

So you know how I previously stated that I can't distinguish between affect and effect? Well I have something to admit. I have a similar problem with then and than. Maybe it's my regional dialect but I literally pronounce them both the exact same and they sound the same to me. I have been getting my ass all sorts of kicked by those two words.

Some of that shit you should see...

Warning: For Immature Mature Audiences Only
By this I of course mean that whilst one should be physically mature (18+) to view a large amount of the content on this site, that same person ought not actually be "mature" at all.  In fact if you find yourself to be one of those people who doesn't have an over abundant sense of humor you might just want to sit this one out. It's not for those of you who fancy yourself too high-brow for absolutely stupid and obscene humor. You pricks.

But really who hasn't been to newgrounds? I suspect the only people who haven't been are the same ones who shouldn't be.

All the content is user generated, there are a handful of people on there who routinely make excellent sh*t. I mean it's real gold if you don't mind laughing at stuff that you would never ever show your grandmother, least she completely disown you for the rest of her days, which to be honest are probably pretty limited. So come on, you might as well show her, right?

Poke around a bit, I suggest the flash videos, there should be a list of "Featured Movies", or something to that flavor, on the front page. Give it a few clicks. I dare you.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

I'm Not Number 4

I just saw the movie "I am Number 4" and for the sub-genre it belongs too, it wasn't that bad. You know what genre I mean, the whole modern set fantasy one. Similar to movies "Push" "Jumper" and "The Covenant."

You know most movies like that just have this certain cheap, corny, and desperate feel to them. And "I am Number 4" didn't have nearly as much of that as some of those other examples. Though in parts it certainly did show it's cliche side. I mean come on, the bad guys shot red lasers and the good guys shot blue, really? Come on, don't spit in my face by assuming me dense enough to not already differ between the good and the bad without having to brand it such in indirect subtle ways. But other than little stuff like that the movie did good. I nerdy sidekick guy was cast and delivered well. The story was interesting, the effects were neat, they didn't seem to try too hard to make it "the coolest movie ever" either. You know when they try WAY too hard to make it the greatest story ever told and it just comes off as desperate and shitty? Don't act like you don't know what I mean.

Either way, not a bad little modern set fantasy/magic film...thing. Better than "The Covenant" that's for damn sure.  Did you see that? The whole man witches thing? It was pretty dumb, they tried way too hard.

Speaking of other shit you should see on the internet. This little gem is similar to the "Textsfromlastnight" site I sent you too the other day. It's dedicated to viewer submitted comedic anecdotes that express exasperation and frustration.

They all of course end with a semi sarcastic "fuck my life"

Give it a shot, I promise you'll like it.

Friday, February 25, 2011

So, WTF is The Deal With Cursive?

They totally lied to our asses back in Middle School when they said we'd all need to know cursive because it's crazy important.

Tell me. Have you ever NEEDED to know cursive? Wtf is that about? Those son of a bitches spent most of 4th-5th Grade teaching me cursive just so I can NEVER use it. And they had the gall to feed me, and presumably the rest of you, that crap about us needing to know it for adulthood or some bullshit. Look how that turned out. The only people I know who use cursive are those who use it just so they'll stay practiced at it, for when they eventually need it. And that moment never comes. It just turns into a couple O'Tools using cursive for no reason.

Another thing I notice about shit they teach us that doesn't seem to hold any relevance. So remember chanting the vowels in order to retain them? A-E-I-O-U, A-E-I-O-U, Etc? Well remember how at the end they would add, "And sometimes Y"?

When the fuck has Y ever been a vowel? I've never particularly ever noticed it being a vowel. I guess it makes vowel sounds once in a while and will occasionally take the place of a vowel but never in a way that is pointed out, mentioned, or needs be noticed. Nothing noteworthy has ever happened with a Y that involved it being a vowel or us needing to know it "was" one.

I'm fairly certain Wheel Of Fortune doesn't count it as a vowel and if Pat and Vanna don't count it as a vowel, well F' it, why should I? You know what Kindergarten? Screw you and your lies.

But yeah I understand in words like MY and FLY and CRY obviously have Ys as vowels but still. I mean when have we ever needed to know that those Ys were in fact being very akin to vowels? Have you ever looked at MY and gone, that Y, that's definitely a vowel right there, good thing we chanted about that in Kindergarten and now I know that Y is sometimes a vowel.

No, so I stand by my decision that we've never needed that extra "And sometimes Y" at the end of the vowel chant in Kindergarten.

Today on "Funny Sh*t You Should See On The Internet" we have a little website that causes me amusement in large amounts. If you haven't been to this site yet you best get your jive ass on over there. Or not. Whichever.

You'll get the idea when you get there.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Affect or Effect?

Like many Americans I am plagued with a problem. The problem of not being able to tell the difference between the two words mention in the title. I mean I know many of you are going to be like "What are you fucking stupid?" well screw you, you fraking ass. It's not as much I can't remember the difference, it's more so that even when it is explained to me, I don't quite understand. Something about one being more like a noun and one more like a verb, or something to the tune. Regardless I can never tell.

There was something else I wanted to share with you fine folks this evening. I have momentarily forgotten what that is, though don't fret, I'll remember.

Speaking of you fine 'folks', I still don't necessarily believe there is anyone out there reading this. I have 127 or so views total on this page, but I feel like there isn't actually anyone there. Plus I have even less of an idea of who actually comes back regularly or if all 127 views are different people who never return.

So if you do actually purposely come back here to read this I must first, thank you, and then ask if you can maybe click on the "follow" thing to the right, or leave a message, or just something so that I actually know you exist and am not just talking to myself and a friend who feels bad for me and comes back to read this shat out of pity.

I was thinking of doing a lil something something in the flavor of "funny shit I've seen on the internet and want everyone else to experience as well." What do you all think about that? Yes? No? Because there is some SH*T out there that you need to see.

I never remembered what that thing I was trying to remember was, so get over it. It'll happen sooner or later, have patience.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Back at it I Suppose

Back to our regularly scheduled programing

Yesterday was a friends birthday, I went out to celebrate with him and I feel like I was a little bit rambunctious with the celebration of life, at least more so than usual. Most likely because of the way this week has been and I ended up drinking enough wine to drown a small but well built horse. I had my way with Mr. Carlo Rossi, had my way nice and good.

I ended up being in quite the drunken stupor and here I am the next day still feeling the effects of the night. Not the "good" effects mind you, I mean the other rather shitty ones that come after those.

Now where did that get me you ask? Ashamed of the state I was in, unproductive most of the day, and it as it turns out, no matter how drunk you get, the week still happened, except now with more vomiting. And boy do I mean more vomiting. If there was an award for vomiting, I'm told I would of got it, though I remember nothing, at all.

But for now I'm going to go nurse this hangover, stay classy, but not as classy as I was, I find that to be a level of classiness too extreme for the likes of me, at least.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

In Memory of Caleb Acker

So, gang, I have been neglecting my so far regular...ish posting due to the fact that a friend of mine was killed Monday, Valentine's Day, in an avalanche.

This news struck me and hit hard. I wouldn't say we were close friends, but he was a friend, a friend I've known for 3 years now.  Though, I didn't know him nearly as well as I would of liked to.

It's funny, I didn't want this blog, this first blog of mine, to be deep and never planned on it being anything other than stupid stories and shallow humor, but here we are at a point where I can't help but write about the tragedy that occurred to myself but even more so to the family and closer friends of the departed.

On Monday Caleb Acker had hiked up the backside of a ski mountain and was snowboarding it. Some snow got knocked loose and started an avalanche. He was buried under tons of snow and a friend who was with quickly called 911. He had a beacon so he was quickly found, but even that was quick enough. He was dead already when they found him.

I don't even really know where to start. So many things to say and so many emotions to explain.

His name was Caleb Acker. He was tall, had short curly hair, and a huge never ending smile. He seemed to always be in a good mood, always smiling, laughing, or just being silly in general. It was infectious. I'd never seen him in a bad mood that I recall, and if I had, it was always laced with a certain unnatural patience and calmness. He was an absolute joy to be around and a great friend. I can't give him justice, trying to explain him in here, it's just not possible.

The memories, though many people know him better and have known him longer. I still have so many fond memories of Caleb. Asking him to play Mr. Roboto at parties, letting him play a match in COD MW2 and then laughing at him when he failed hardcore, noticing him with a large can of Fosters and asking where the hell he got that from, making fun of his strangely nappy/curly hair, how he always seemed to DJ parties at his house and mine, going to the hot springs with him and chilling, convincing him to try the cold tub at the springs, beer pong, quarters, and many more.

He was such an inspiring person and made such an impression on even me, someone who again didn't know him nearly as well as most, that my emotions since hearing word of his passing have been in a constant tumult. I was shocked, speechless, sad beyond reason, outraged, angry, sad again, and so on. I was sad to think that the last time I saw him was Halloween, much longer ago than I would of liked, sad that I just got a new phone, and almost text him last weekend, seeing if it was still the right number and asking him how he was but I didn't, sad that someone so young with a loving family and so many loving friends could go at such a pointless random way, sad that I know I'll never see him  and that he himself will never draw another breath on this earth again.

God gives little comfort, I find myself wondering how God could let such a thing happen to someone. Not just Caleb but it got me thinking of all the pointless senseless deaths around the world. How does this all happen, causing these feelings I'm feeling, to millions of people around the world every day. If God is omnipotent why would he let this happen? Surely he knew it was going to happen, why didn't he stop it? I found myself shaking my fist at God, if there even is a God, for these grievances.

I thought about how it happened, Caleb was just snowboarding, on a normal day, and how random and sick it was that on such a normal outing he would end up never going home or being seen alive again. I thought of his family, his siblings, his close friends. Out of the blue he died. That to me is so much worse than when death is expected because of a sickness or something of that sort. When it is so sudden and so young it makes me all sorts of regretful. So many things I wonder and they just make it worse, I wonder what he was thinking, if he was scared, if that while it was happening did he know this would be the end and he would actually die?

Death. Death is one things I'm immeasurably afraid of. The idea of death is so final and so daunting it makes me sick to think about. That's one of my problems, the finality of it. There is no going back and no re-do's in death. It's the last thing for so many people. The last time Caleb will ever experience anything, the last time a sister will see her brother, a friend will see their friend, a mother will see her son, the last time for it all. And to happen to someone so unexpectedly and senselessly causes me all the pain in the world. Not just for my personal loss, but thinking about how much more that so many more people lost as well. The loss of everyone. The entire situation. All the things Caleb won't do. Have a family, grow old, use the architecture skills he worked so hard for so long acquiring, see anyone ever again. Imagining how others feel and how everyone must feel whenever they lose someone.

People say funerals are for celebrating life, and I truly would celebrate Caleb's, but it's not fair. None of it is fair, funerals should celebrate those who have lived a full life, gotten to live theirs. Caleb's was robbed from him and he didn't get to live his full life, how are you supposed to celebrate something that wasn't complete. On one hand you could say it was complete in how he lived it well, while he was around, and he had all the love he would ever need, and he was completed by those around him. But it's still just not fair.

Whatever it is that I've rambled on about is still only 1/10 of the things I could say. But at this point I'm just ranting. Besides, I couldn't begin to explain what I feel, have felt, and will feel every time someone I know or am even semi close to dies. There is such a mixture of emotions, ideas, thoughts, going on that I couldn't organize them into anything coherent even if I tried. I could explain why I personally am so distraught over such a situation, distraught to the point you'd think he was family, but again I can't even begin to explain the last few days. They've been a daze, an unreal fog of 'how did this happen' and 'is this real?' So many things sad, unfair, and unchangeable of the events the unfolded.

I will settle for this though, you will be missed Caleb, missed dearly, you deserved a longer life, you didn't deserve dying so young and full of hope and potential. Peace man. Wherever you end up next. I'll be down here, playing Mr. Roboto, hanging out in the springs, and having a Fosters. With love. Hopefully I'll see you again.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

If a Tree Falls in The Woods...

The answer is yes, yes it does make a noise.

Why in the hell would it not make a noise just because nobody is around to hear it? That's one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. I've always really resented that quandary. It's just so incredibly stupid to suggest that sound doesn't exist if no one is there to experience it. Wtf kind of unscientific bullshit is that?

You know what's kind of ironic? I was in church the other week and in the middle of the sermon the priest stops and just sneezes like nobodies business. I mean it was one of those sneezes that lifts a person off the floor and everything. Any who, the funny part was, that nobody said the customary 'bless you' that is so often heard whenever somebody sneezes. That's right, in an entire CHURCH full of people who are obviously all about being blessed NOBODY said bless you when the priest sneezed. Not one person. Not so much as a damn gesundheit.

I don't know about you but I find that F*cking hilarious.

That's like bringing your children to a pedophile convention and finding out that not one of them got even a little bit molested.

Or going to Woodstock and not getting stoned.

Or being racist and having a black friend.

Or writing a blog that nobody reads......FUCK

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Just Like That

And I'm out to stupid crap to say. Don't worry. I'll think of something. I'm just busy you know. With life. 

I don't have all day to just sit here and try to entertain you sods. I have shit to do alright. 

In summary. Get off my back. 

Thursday, February 10, 2011

That One Social Network

No, not myspace, are you kidding? Does anyone even use that anymore?

Dear Blog,

I have a confession to make. I haven't told Facebook about you, about us, yet. I know what you're going to say. And no, I'm not ashamed of you, it just hasn't been the right time to admit the truth to Facebook about you and about our relationship. But I swear I'll tell her soon. And when I do we can spend the rest of blah blah blah blah you get the reference.

Nah, I'm totally ashamed of you. Who wants to tell everyone they know that they have a blog? It's like a dirty little secret, but dirtier and more secretive. Not to mention the amount of shit I would be from a certain bro of mine. You know who you are.

But one of these days I might go ahead and come clean.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

It was MerryMuffin, at Work, with the Lead Pipe!

I'd like to apologize to all my imaginary readers for not posting any pointless banter yesterday.

You see, I was busy with my new Verizon iPhone 4. Yeah, I'm totally in love with iPhones, before you go on a spiel about Droids and blah blah blah and other stupid shit, fuck you, just fuck you. You keep your Droids and Androids and let me have my iPhone and leave me the frick alone.

Moving on...

Do any of you know an old lady that you'd like to kick the shit out of? I do. That's right. I would like to strike a grandmother...possibly in the head or chest region...potentially with a pipe of some sort...that may or may not be lead.

Before you judge me, just keep reading.

So, I work with this old lady and she has got to be the most rude, disrespectful, and unfriendly person I've ever met. And only to me. I'm fairly certain it's one of those scenarios where she looked at me the first day we met and just decided she utterly loathed and despised me. Don't lie to yourselves, we all have that person that we've decided we resent for absolutely no reason other than that little something about their face that just makes you want to stab out their eyes. Turns out I'm that person to her. Which in turn forced me to view her as that person for me. Now whenever I see her stupid old wrinkly ass face all I can think about is how much I hate everything about her existence. I mean, she goes out of her way to do things that make me pause and say "Really? Are you serious? Bitches be crazy."

It's actually kind of comical. She'll get to work extra early just to take the parking spot that I've been using every day for the last 6 months. She'll go out of her way while driving just to catch up to me and cut me off or attempt to run me off the road. I'll notice her glaring at me from across a busy work area 20 yards away. Wondering to myself, "Wtf is this? How long has that old bitch been mean-mugging me? Why won't she look away? Did she just flip me off?"

It's gotten to the point where I day dream about her and her entire family being German-Jews during the early 40s.

I'd like to think that enough time has passed for me to make that joke and not be a horrible person for it.

Monday, February 7, 2011

It's Like Hoth up in This B****

So I noticed that there is an "adult content" option in the settings of this Blog. It makes me wonder if using words like fuck, shit, piss, and bitch count as adult content?

But before this falls into a routine of being as lacking in content as an episode of Seinfeld...

Living in Montana gets a person used to driving in certain types of weather conditions. Though, regardless of how often I find myself traveling down an interstate in complete whiteness due to a sudden freak snow storm, I can't help but wonder if this is how Luke Skywalker felt on Hoth...

Really though, it was whiter than a Jack Johnson concert.

Oh and is it just me or was the Super Bowl performance by the Black Eyed Peas probably their worst performance ever? I'm kidding, there's no question, it totally was.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

How Does This Work?

So, I find that I have no idea what one fills a blog with.

I admit to having a bit of writers block coupled with a certain palpable feeling that this is going to be absolutely God awful.

But in the interest of pressing on, you know what I think?

The commercials are the best part of the Super Bowl.

The food is a close second.

And the Packers can suck my d***

Mind you it's not because I have any love for the Steelers, it's just because, well you know, it's the Packers.

Personally if a 747 crashed into the stadium and obliterated both teams I'd be okay with it.

Just saying.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

It Has to Begin Somewhere

I've decided to start a blog. Why you ask? To educate you on how wrong you are and how right I most assuredly am.

But as far as where to start I do not know. There is such a labyrinth of things to go over it might possibly take me months to even cover the surface of what needs to be said.

For instance, I can't even decide on which direction to take with this, should I simply imply vulgarity or should I just straight up drop some "fuck" bombs? Well, it's too late now, here's to talking like a sailor. Cheers.

I think I'll keep this first one short. Consider yourself having just digested a mere sample of the excitement that is surely to come. Count yourself lucky, there are thousands of kids in Africa who will never get the chance to read the shite material that is destined to be my blog. You are welcome.