Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Oh Shit, This Needs a Title

Sorry, I've been meaning to come on here and mention that I'm sort of in the half-ass process of packing up stuff and moving, so that's why I haven't posted on Monday, or anything crazy like that. Just you know, getting ready to get the fuck out of here and move to a different the same town...really just a mile or two away...

Regardless, I've been spending a lot of time telling everyone I'm busy packing while not actually packing anything. Thus, the lack of postage.

Catch you fine ladies and gentlemen on the other side then?

You will be there right? I'll make finger food, little sandwich triangles, you know, that kind of stuff. Be there or be square, and also stabbed, square, and stabbed.

I know a guy who stabs for real cheap so if you feel a sudden pain in your spleen tonight don't worry about it. It's just someone stabbing you on my behalf.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Speaking of Good Friday

That's tomorrow.

I don't know what's so good about it, doesn't it represent when Jesus died?...though I suppose killed is a bit more accurate than died. Not like it was an accident if you know what I mean. But either way that's sick that we consider the day Jesus died as good. I mean I understand it was for "our*" sins and all the jazz but still, what's so good about Jesus dying? Also, as any of you who are Christian might know, on "Good Friday" a person is expected to not eat any red meat. What's not eating red meat have to do with Jesus dying? It seems strangely unrelated. And why do we celebrate Jesus rising from the dead on Sunday with bunnies and eggs and all sorts of other nonsensical traditions? I know I'm not the first one to point this out, but that's simply because it's a good question. A couple of good questions even.

Was that blasphemous? ^ If it is, I apologize Jesus, but you understand what I mean.

* I parenthesize "our" because I wanted to mention that that obviously applies to Christian followers but I in no way discriminate against MUH brothas from another mother...or another God/Gods for that matter. I'd make jokes about all yall crazy saviors too, but I'm afraid I have not the knowledge to do so, so I'll stick with my standard middle class, white, American, Christian jokes, thank you very much.

SO there I was, driving behind a Honda Prelude the other day. And it had me asking this simple question...."to what?" Wtf does Honda think that's preluding? Because I'm fairly certain they didn't follow through with that implication. I bet it doesn't prelude anything. Those sons a bitches.

Honda Prelude my ass. Car manufacturers should start thinking up better names. That actually describe the car. Like the all new "Nissan Get-You-There-Faster-Than-a-Mitsubishi-Would" the "Ford Will-Run-Over-Small-Creatures"or even the "Toyota Your-Friends-Will-Tease-You-But-It's-Pretty-Damn-Fuel-Efficient" Because that might be just what marketing needs. Straight shooting.

I find I wasn't nearly as prepared as I could of been for posting today. For only doing this 2 out of the 7 days of the week, I find myself strangely unprepared to write anything. But failing at life comes pretty second nature to me. I even impress myself sometimes.

Amazon wants me to try to sell you a book called "Water for Elephants" and I can't help but laugh at the title. Maybe I should write a book and call it something that sounds like it could be deep, until you realize it's not.

I'll call it "Does a Woodchuck Chuck?" or "If a Bear is Shitting in the Woods and a Tree Falls on the Bear While it's Shitting and No One is Around to Hear it, Did the Bear Make a Noise as it's Body was being Crushed by the Large Oak in Question?"

Muffin In

Fuck you Jay.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Did I Say Thursday and Monday?

Son of a bitch. I said Monday didn't I? Wtf. I totally thought to myself, "Oh, on Tuesday I have to make a post because that's one of the two days that I said I'd do so." I fucked up guys. I fucked up real bad.


Already a fail. Jesus Christ in Heaven. F my life. F it good and hard.

I don't even have anything good to say anyways. How about that basketball? I hear some things...might be basketball? You know, the big rich black guys, basketball.

I could of swore I overheard somebody mention the Lakers and as far as I know that's a Basketball team so it only follows that there is a bunch of stuff going on with basketball and any sport really that I don't know about because I frankly don't give a flying fuck. But that's besides the point.

What is the point you ask? Or for you basketball players, "What be the point you axe'n about?"

There it is right there. You ever notice how African American citizens pronounce "ask" as "axe"? Well first of all that's hilarious. It always makes me giggle. And secondly, do they, in turn, pronounce "basketball" as "baxeketball"? This is the kind of shit I sit around and think about. I blame my not so diverse upbringing in places like Northern Minnesota and Montana.

Speaking of "A Game of Thrones" the HBO series. Yes. Yes please. Yes please, may I have another? I was overall pretty happy with it. Nothing disappointed me. Most of the actors were as close as I could ever hope to be to what I imagined the characters would look like. It was all around pretty great. I'm pretty excited about the rest of the series. I'm totally underplaying my excitement here. I'm ecstatic about it, it was amazing, and I'm totally pumped for the rest. It was a total nerdgasm for anyone who has read to books. The mere idea was already pretty nerdgasmic in the first place though, so at this point it was just inevitable that it would be enjoyed assuming they didn't completely botch it, which they didn't.

I could finish with apologizing. Sorry I missed Monday already. It's like missing the first day of work or school or whatever other life responsibility that you want to substitute. Lol The first post of my new "schedule" and I missed it. You're all free to chastise me for it. Sorry gang, sorry I missed Monday. I'll do better next time. Maybe. Forgive me?

Muffin Out.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

I'm Not Pointing Fingers Here, But Piss Off

Hey Hey Hey! That was of course a joke, you don't actually have to piss off. Unless you really want too, but who would want that? What kind of sick freak are you? This is totally the intro to my epic return to blogging. Despite the fact that I haven't really been gone that long, and I'm sure nobody even noticed. But regardless. Don't argue with me. You shits.

Anyways, so yes it does occur to me that I haven't posted in a millennia or two but, like all the other times I've disappointed you, I'll say this, get off my back. I was busy with, tons of important stuff and...yeah. Just busy in a totally manly way and all. I sure as hell wasn't being foolish, stupid, bitchy, emotional, or moody. That's EXACTLY what I was not doing. Not this guy! So mind your own damn business.

So to summarize what would most likely end up as a long pointless rant, I'm back, but I'm not going to lie to you all any longer, I'm not going to be daily like I kind of sort of was maybe in the beginning. I'm going to say like bi-weekly maybe? Something like that? Would you guys like that? Would you? Who's a good boy!? Who's a good boy!? You are!!!

But really.

Where the fuck does Pat Sajak get off selling vowels? What a complete douche, what a turd sandwich, what a punk ass.Who died and give him the right to go around selling vowels for outrageous prices? Double-You Tee Eff. Plus, Vanna White has a really big head compared to the rest of her body, what's up with that? Ewww.

Did anyone else hear that J-Lo is People's Magizene's sexiest woman for 2011? Go team J-Lo. I knew I was a big fan for a reason, ever since I was like 12. Coincidence? Nah. Can't be.

And another thing! I swear I had more stupid shit to say today, at work I was all over it. I was totally on the stupid shit to bring up ball today.

If your name is Joe please leave now.

I kid though. Don't go Joe. Just die. I mean what? Who? I didn't what? No way.

On a less random and cynical note. I suppose this is where I'd mention stuff about myself. You know. What I'm up too, what I'm doing, some plans I have that are semi related to this blog. Etc. So that being the case, I might try my hand at every different type of writing, for funsies. Like I'm going to start writing a really shitty book, just to try it, I might write some really shitty song lyrics, just to suck ass at it, maybe an article or two, maybe some poetry, maybe even a research type paper thing, who the frak knows? I'll just go crazy. It'll be a good time.

Speaking of you people, really? Who the hell has been waiting around for 2 und heif weeks for me to post again? Shouldn't you all be gone? Or had have given up? What kind of sad lives do you live that you've actually been waiting for me to post again about my own sad life. Get a hobby.

I mean that with love of course.

Expect my next post to be...what do you think? Like Monday or something? We should decide this right now. What days I update. Lets have a little pow-wow about it and everything. Okay, since I don't have time to wait around for you all to not answer my question, I'll decide like Monday and Thursday? Good idea me. I get a golden star. You all get to ***** with a **** and ***** off.

p.s. I had to add this, which was not in my original post.

First of all. I forgot to mention. The wisdom teeth thing went absolutely wonderful. Turns out I'm super human and didn't feel any pain afterwards, didn't need to take any of my drugs, and my jaw healed up really quick and everything went super perfect. It's like I'm a jaw-healing-machine. Wouldn't that be a shitty super power? Healing jaws quickly? Man that would blow.

Also, I want to say, looking in the blogs stats, there is a section of things people searched for on google that brought them here. Some of those things are just god damned hilarious. Here are some examples...

"awards for doing drugs, I'd have a shit ton." - My favorite.

"if a tree falls on a priest?" - Also pretty good

"what's more than a shit tons?" - Not great but still kind of a funny question. And I answered it.

"ray william johnson shitton fuckload" - A fun RayWilliamJohnson reference, he is Youtube famous.