Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Socrates Must of Had a Shit Ton of Wisdom Teeth

So who's in the mood for some blogging? THIS guy.

Though sadly it's been so long that I've forgotten how, or what, to blog about.

On Friday at 11 a.m. I'm getting my wisdom teeth removed. 4 of them I believe, though I'm not 100% certain because it doesn't matter to me how many I have, because soon they'll be out of my life forever. It's no rush either, they really aren't doing anything inconvenient in my mouth, it's just while I work at Dynojet, I get Dental Benefits so yeah. Going to use the crap out of that. Can you say saving tons of money getting some shit removed that I'd eventually need removed anyways?  I can.

Have you even wondered what the difference between crap-load, shit-load, and fuck-load was? Or for that matter, shit-ton and fuck-ton. Maybe even crap-ton now that you mention it.

Personally I'd say a shit-ton/load is more than a crap-ton/load but less than a fuck-ton/load. And of course, anything-ton is more than anything-load.

Just my humble opinion.

Back to the teeth though, I'm sort of nervous about the procedure but excited about the drugs. I'm going to be off my ass on pain killers this weekend. It's going to be shweet.

I'd like to make a shout-out. To myself, because I'm awesome. The amount of views on this blog have been steadily declining though, I can't tell if it's a waning interest or just the fact I haven't been posting anything at all lately. Or both.

Well then. That's all I have today, it's not a lot, but it's more than it has been lately, so go ahead and click some ads, do it for me, come on, and get on out of here. Come on, scat!

p.s. I'm totally going to have them put me under for the procedure btw. This guy won't be awake for shit!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Been a While

I've been meaning to get on here and do what I do, but lately the inspiration has been lacking, really, really, lacking. But I'm trying my best, get off me, alright. I've had a crazy large amount of mandatory overtime at work and besides that I just haven't been feeling up to making stupid observations about the world and transforming those into sub-par jokes.

So, what do you all think about joining the service? You know what I mean, the military, who's in?

I joke, but maybe I don't, but I probably do, but then again, I might not be, though, after all I am?

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Not Enough Shoes

Don't you just hate spiders? I do, one of my least favorite things ever. They suck. There is nothing as creepy, unnatural, and evil as a spider. Demon spawned monsters they are.

Like this one time, I saw a spider so big, that when I tried to kill it with my shoe, it didn't work, and the spider preceded to mug my ass. He took my fucking shoes and everything. Jokes on that son of a bitch though, I only had two shoes and he needs eight. Who's laughing now? That's right. I am.

All bad spider jokes aside, I'm feeling like one of these days I'll get some content going in this guy. You know, I'll have bits, thingys, you know, reoccurring sub-themes with a purpose. What's the word for that?

Shit I forget, but either way.

Some shit you should listen to if you haven't already.

Rucka Rucka Ali - He's a comedian/parody making/rapper/guy? He has quite a few pretty funny parodies from fairly recent top songs. Tends to be a bit racy and profane though, so kids, check yourself. Really, download his album, it's only 9 dollars over at Amazon. You won't regret it, it's a good time and a good price.

p.s. I swear, again, this isn't me trying to sell you stuff, as much as it's me trying to get you to listen to some funny shit that you might also just buy, and stuff.

Monday, March 14, 2011

The Nines

Have you ever watched "Dora the Explorer"? Well you know how the have that little monkey in boots. Wtf is up with that? Why would you put a monkey in boots, how inconvenient for that monkey. God forbid it has to climb anything because it would be F'ed. What if a ground dwelling natural predator was all up in it's business? It would normally scamper up a tree, I'd like to see that F'ing monkey scamper anywhere in those big ass shit-kickers. That makes Dora a murderer, and probably a slut too.

I was thinking about it, and cats. Cats not only have, but also are, furry little assholes. They're just not generally kind or friendly animals. They're rude, they ignore you, they don't sympathize with you like dogs do, they make everything smell like piss. What little fuzzy pricks. 

So I watched this movie last night. It was an independent, writer directed, low budget film staring Ryan Reynolds. If that doesn't pique your interest enough, nothing really will. Either way it was called "The Nines".

On the off chance you plan on watching it, this is officially a spoiler alert. Right here.

So it basically comes down to this, Ryan Reynolds is several different characters on different but slightly related story-lines. Strange stuff happens, the number 9 keeps popping up, and its confusing. It turns out that Ryan's character is a Demi-God who invented the world and all the people in it, much like a video game, and is "playing" several characters in that game, being the three different scenarios he is seen in. It turns out he is addicted to this "game" world he created and gets lost in it and forgets what he is, thus the premise of the movie, him finding out all of this by the end. So yeah, just a dude who's a "nine" which is a being lower than God "10" but higher than humans "7". They said something about Koalas are 8's or some bullshit and they can read minds, but yeah. Ryan was a god thing that forgot he was in a reality that he completely created in his own mind and played much like a game of Sims. I swear they even references the little diamond things that Sims have above their heads at one point. It was weird but kind of neat. As a person who enjoys himself a video game on occasion I guess the parallels they were drawing between the world Ryan was in, and a potential video game world, was kind of neat, just how they said he was "playing" characters and blah blah blah. Twasn't bad for a movie I'd never heard of, starts slow though, and takes a bit to actually intrigue you.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Much too Deep for this Blog

(I apologize to those of which are about to read my emo rant. Especially you fellow men, please, try to respect me after this is all said and done, or don't, maybe we can fight about it, you know, in a totally manly way)

For any of you poor souls who stumbled onto this for the first time, as a warning, this is not even within a few metaphorical miles of what this blog is usually about, this is an emotional rant, unrelated to the usual content in every way possible. These emotional rants have happened once before, with the death of a friend, and will probably happen again, but usually, the other posts are more the usual, so check them out if this deep, girly, emotional crap, isn't your cup of Joe.

Accepting is a tough thing. I'm going to remain vague about this. But last week. Last week was rough. Some things happened and I'm not at all sure if I liked them even a little. But trying to accept these things is all a person can do. I would give almost anything in the world to go back before last week and do things over, change things, and just all together not do last week over again. For those of you who are concerned at this point, don't be. It's not anything that requires outside concern for my safety or anything. It's just one of those things.

I suddenly found myself missing something, something I had, and had potentially taken for granted on occasion. Something I'd give anything to have back, something everything reminds me of, something I can't escape from. Yet something that escaped from me.

This makes me feel such a tumult of emotions. It's no secret that I'm a fairly emotional person, at least for a male. But this event that happened last week, it brings me back over the last three years of my life. I have such an uncountable amount of memories over these last three years that I can't possibly forget enough of them to make this any better. So many memories that are filled with such love and sweetness that just remembering them crushes the very happiness out of my being, knowing that they will likely never happen again.

I would go back three years. I would do everything perfect while I had the chance, even if it happened again, I would make every moment count. Because just like that, in the blink of an eye, without warning, I may never have another chance.

I guess the moral of this is quite cliche, don't take a single thing for granted and live every moment like you might not have another.

I'm obviously not handling this well. I obviously care/cared too much. I understand the reasons it happened, and agreed with many of them originally. But the way I feel now makes none of that matter. I would never choose to feel like this again. I would have it all reversed. I would have that piece of me I'm missing returned.

I have been hurt in ways I didn't realize possible. I know there is worse, has been worse, and could be worse, but I still feel what I feel and it's not pleasant. Three years isn't THAT long after all, but to me, it's been the world. The amount of growing I've done in these three years has been spent by the side of something that might never be at my side again. I don't know what to do with myself. I had no idea how much I relied on that. And not in a negative way, not a way that implied I needed independence, because while I relied on it, I could go days or weeks without it and be fine, fine because I knew it would be in my life again, once again supporting me. But now, the thought of it possibly never coming back, makes me regret so many things that happened, and so many things that should of happened. There's just so many things I would redo, and only now realize such. It makes me want another chance. I hope for another chance. I have hope, a delusional hope, that maybe I will have another chance. But I know, I know it might never come. Some things move on, some things get left behind. I fear that no matter how much I care, it doesn't mean it will be reciprocated.

So many things I don't want to do because it will remind me of a perfect little moment in time in my past that will never exist again.

Having something seem to care about you more than anything else one day, and seem to not at all the next day, just like that. That's a bit too quick for my taste. It's so sudden it's unbelievable. Imagine the perfect day, you know with everything you've ever wanted and loved and cake and all that crap, whatever makes you happy. Imagine in that day, right in the middle, everything instantly stopping and being replaced by a completely opposite world, filled with everything you hate and detest, like spiders and heights and death. Just suddenly, that's sort of how this feels. Going from perfect, and perfectly fine, to the complete and universal opposite. I can't even imagine myself ever getting completely over this feeling. Losing something so quickly is what makes this considerably harder I believe. Having something tell you one thing one day, promise you the universe, and then up and change it's mind the next. It really eats away at you. I'm not saying I necessarily had planned on forever, but I definitely planned on now. All I wanted was to live in the now with how it was. Let the future be the future. Let the past be the past, all I asked for, was the now. Ironically though, without the now, I find myself looking towards the future with a pathetic hope, and remembering the past with a desperate attachment. 

I don't know what I want, but I do know this isn't it.

I realize this uncomfortably deep. I also realize that that piece isn't coming back. Not now, not any time soon, and maybe not ever.

Here's to moving on the best I can while wishing I didn't have too.

Here's to pretending like it will all get better, whilst knowing that I, perpetually unlucky, won't be so blessed.

One more for those of you who like things in threes...

Here's to change and hoping it doesn't emotionally destroy me in the end.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

I Have Not the Slightest Idea

How this works. I have this Amazon account thing and some stuff happens and yeah. It involves links and HTML and science. But consider this a shot at it.

So, I don't know if I mentioned before but George R.R. Martin is finally publishing "A Dance with Dragons", the 5th book in his series "A Song of Ice and Fire", in July. That being said, some of us need to brush up on the first four books, considering it's been like 6 years since the last of those four was originally printed. About God damn time George.

Those books that may need reading or repurchasing are as follows:

A Feast for Crows - Book you-get-the-idea, if you don't see the pattern yet please leave my blog

Not only do I strongly suggest you read this series, being it's great, but if you need to purchase it, why don't you click on the links and head over to Amazon and give it a purchase, if you need all 4 books, click the link embedded in the series name and you should be able to get a paperback box set, and if you'd like to pre-order the newest one that comes out in July, click on the link and head on over to amazon and give it a pre-order.

I'd suggest this series to anyone (Not Minors) who likes a good fantasy and doesn't mind things that are potentially R-rated. If you haven't read this yet, I encourage you to go buy them now, using my links.

p.s. I swear this isn't me selling out, I just want people to read a series I enjoy, and am eager to try out this internetz thing and some entrepreneurial endeavors. Thanks in advanced for forgiving me.

Friday, March 11, 2011

You've Convinced Me

Alright, today I actually feel like blogging, I'm in a better mood, dead inside, but a better mood than yesterday.

So how about that tsunami? In the tsunami's defense, Japan is getting kind of crowded...

In other news, maybe I'm not nearly "hip" and "cool" enough, but you know how people refer to their phone ringing or being called often as "blowing up"? For example, "Like totally dude so many peeps was calling me my phone was blowing up all day yo, like whoa."

I hate it. It's so stupid. Wtf does a ringing phone have to do with blowing up? I mean I guess it can sound similar it doesn't even really sound like a bomb going off or a bomb timer/countdown. It's retarded. And I blame Kesha.

Also, I know it's kind of a joke but I feel like some people believe it. When you see mold on bread, and somebody says "Oh a little penicillin doesn't hurt", that's god damned ignorant. I don't even know where to begin. Not all mold is the same kind used to make the drug, you shit heads.

If anyone says that and somewhat believes that the mold they refer to is the same extremely specific kind that is made into penicillin, you're a damn fool. They tried for years to grow the penicillin mold on random things in all sorts of expensive laboratories and shit, and finally they got it to grow on cantaloupe rinds. SO if you have a moldy melon, like a cantaloupe for example, MAYBE that's the same shit that's refined into penicillin, otherwise, don't be stupid.

But really, lets send Japan/Hawaii/whoever else needs it some boats or something, why is water always fucking with people? What the hell water!? Just because we say H2O instead of H2O2 or whatever it might maybe actually be , doesn't mean you have to go fraking with us. You wet bastard.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

How About That

Blah blah blah, some stuff happened, some bullshit anecdote, bad jokes, confusing puns, there you are.

I summed up todays post for you all. You're welcome. I don't feel like talking to you douche-bags right now anyways. So shut up and go home. Come on, get! Ok, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

For you of those who don't know, that was a song reference , do I have to spell out everything to you?

A good, no, great friend of mine has a pretty entertaining blog as well, much better than this shite you've been reading. Give it a look.

Devin's Blog It's called "The Pickle" and it should be direction on the right at the top of my page. Here. Maybe.

So check that out, right now, come on, or check out my profile, either way, please, for the love of God, make me stop using all these commas. I'll get into my HTML to make it a live link, but still, that's a pain in the ass, I wish there was an easy and convenient setting to just change. Wtf blogspot. Wtf.

p.s. It's not The Kitchen Sink.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

It's Not My Fault I Swear

If you kind and generous readers would please excuse my absence, that would be great, thanks.

You see, I tried to post a few times, and even tried posting via text with some mobile blog thing, but I botched that pretty hard and lately my internet has been kind of a dildo. So all apologies aside, Bresnan, my internet service provider, is in dire need of a small office fire. IfyouknowwhatImean.

The results for the poll are here! As small a number as there was that actually voted, it was 9-5 in favor of Jennifer Lopez over Kim Kardashian. Yes that's correct, as a small number of us decided, J-Lo is still the Queen of Badonk. Speaking of which, did anyone actually notice that I used 9 different words for the Gluteus Maximus in that post? I feel like that fact wasn't appreciated nearly enough. I referred to those poor women's rear ends in 9 different ways and not so much as a single comment from someone who appreciates such a thing.


So at the place of my employment we have been recently informed that in the coming weeks we have "mandatory overtime". Now, I'm not sure what the rules are, but that made me chortle. It just seems like one of those things, you know, like paid volunteering, and whatnot. Can they even do that? I feel like they shouldn't be able too, but I guess they can. Not that I care, the Gods know I need the money, but still, tis made me laugh.

So how about that Charlie Sheen? Nah, I'm kidding, that would be way too easy. Apparently he has "Tiger Blood" and is constantly "Winning". I'm not sure what contest he is in that he's winning, but where do I sign up? I hear he's looking for a new intern for some reason, I was thinking, wouldn't that be a great job? Interning for a mentally unstable Charlie Sheen? That shit would probably look awesome on a resume AND I'm sure he shares his expensive drugs, so that would probably totally make up for the sexual abuse that would most assuredly happen to you.

Not to be a heretic or anything, but I was at church the other day, and Father Leo, great guy, was going on about loving thy enemy and all that jazz. It got me thinking,  and try to follow this mathematically and logical please. So here it is. If we sin and are bad Christians, that in a way, makes us God's enemies, right? Because he sends us to hell, and you sure as heck don't send friends to hell. So if that proves true, it follows that he is in no way, shape, or form, loving his enemies, you know what I mean? Or else he wouldn't send sinners to hell. It seems suspiciously hypocritical. Just saying. So he wants us, lowly humans, to be righteous enough to love our enemies, but him, as God, the omnipotent all powerful being, isn't expected to love his? I figure if anyone was about to love his enemy, it would be God.

I'll let you know if I find anything good on the interwebs, so you mind your own business and relax.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Everybody's Working for the Weekend

Oh, hello, I didn't see you there, how you doing?

The weekend seems to be a bane of all cognitive thought. I usually have no idea what to bore you with on the weekend. I ain't got none random topics to cheek on about. Ever.

Though there is one thing that's plagued my ever waking moment for the last several months...

Which way do those/you crazy, maple leaf loving, hockey playing, moose hunting, Canadian sons-a-bitches say syrup and which way do the lot of us yankees say it?

Who pronounces it (Sur-rup) and who (Sear-rup)?

I seem to forget. Because having said both, neither strikes me as being more wrong than the other. So I don't even know how I normally say it, because I hate pancakes and have no reason to ever say it anyways.

Speaking of saying things differently. I'm going to say this. And I'm going to say this once. Your Aunt is not an insect, stop calling her your Ant. She's an Aunt. The "U" is there for a reason. So for all of you who say it wrong, stop it.

Also, I know on the coasts and the south and everywhere else you don't necessarily call carbonated beverages "pop" you call them "soda" and other such things, but either way, when I say "pop" you should know what I mean and not look at me like I'm speaking Japanese.

That reminds me, for you regions that call all carbonated beverages "coke", you're idiots. I'm sorry, I didn't want to have to be the one to say it, but come on! "What kind of coke do I want?" Wtf kind of question is that? Vanilla. I guess since you don't seem to have Root Beer, Dr. Pepper, or any other flavored beverages in the entire area, I'll have a frocking Vanilla Coke. 

And another thing, Europe, don't sit there with your free health care and your reasonably sized vehicles and think you'll get out of this. 

Really, carbonated water? Why? Why carbonate it? What's wrong with normal water, you know, the kind found on 70% of the world? (I realize most of that is salt water but still, work with me here) You cut that shit out right now. I just want a "tap" water. Oh, I'm the crazy one for wanting water that's not all bubbly and shit? You know what, when everyone wanted to start calling French Fries "Freedom Fries" instead, you know what I said? I said NO! They will forever be French Fries, but not this, this I cannot stand for. Judging me for my simple desire for "flat" water. Nay I say!

Some shit on the yeah you get the idea...

On todays episode of please click those ads. Please click those ads. Really. Do it. I swear it's a good idea.

Also, how many of you shop on Because if you do, well. I have an idea. But that's for a later time. 

You should probably see...some know...I've been holding your damn hands this whole ride but maybe it's about time you find your own funny junk on the internet? You know? Go to these places I've suggested and really just go archaeological on their ass and dig some good sheet up.

But since I'm here:

For you Star Wars Fans out there, - I haven't personally gone there a lot, but I hear it's a good time, plus they have two of my favorite videos ever...

"Star Wars Gangsta Rap Special Edition" and "Star Wars Gangsta Rap: Chronicles" made by BentTV

But if you search for those on, you should have no problem finding them.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Why do You do This to Me Pandora? Why?

There is a website and popular app called Pandora Radio. You apparently search on the website or app for whatever music you want and it plays related music, right? Well I've noticed something that disturbs me in a manner that I can't even begin to explain.

If I search for "Eminem", for example, it plays things related to Eminem. But after 3 hours of D-12, Dr. Dre, and Obie Trice, it occurs to me that I haven't heard any actual Eminem yet. The "playlist" or "radio station" I've created by searching for Eminem on Pandora doesn't play Eminem. That is beyond ridiculous. That's like going to a god damned Mercedes dealership and finding out they don't actually sell Mercedes. And for those of you who scoff at the idea of rap and are considering blaming the genre, I tried this little dance with a variety of other genres as well and received similar results, you haters. I searched for "Lonely Island", you know the guys who made "On a Boat" and other such hits, but all I heard with that playlist was Steven Lynch, Tenacious D, and Flight of the Conchords. Which are all admittedly a good time. But still. Wtf Pandora. W.T.F.

Oh yeah, Batman, I would ask an engaging question about him VS someone else, but as a highlander acquaintance of mine once said, what's the point? We already know who wins.

Speaking of shit you should go see while you're online... - A comedy troupe that does short videos and has even made a low budget movie. If they redirect you to a site trying to sell you their movie just click the "continue to derrick comedy" button, it should be on the top left. On their website just go to "Videos" and check some out. You won't regret it. - Another comedy troupe, they have a show on T.V. but if you haven't seen them yet, check out their website. Shorts are always a good time. - They also have a T.V. show, they sing and make silly songs. It's a great time.

p.s. I apologize for the lack of links in here to the websites that I'm suggesting. I can't really locate the setting that turns live links on but I'm trying my best to correct this.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Who's Team Are You On?

So it has been recently brought to my attention that Kim Kardashian is the new Jennifer Lopez of having one of the world's greatest rears.

I mean yeah, Kim, lots of men would do lots of unspeakable things for a lil bit of that behind, if you know what I mean, and I don't necessarily discount myself from that group, but put on the brakes big shooter, whoa. Lets not do anything irrational like dethrone J-Lo as the Queen of Having a Nice Posterior just because Kim happens to be rocking her own little million-dollar-ass insurance policy.

Call me old fashion but I'm team J-Lo all the way. Her bottom is classic, it's the original "DAAAMN LOOK AT THAT A**!"

It all started with that Super Bowl commercial featuring Kim and her caboose. In fact that's the only thing many people remember from this year's Super Bowl. Ever since then, poor J-Lo's keister has been all but forgotten. I urge, no, demand, that we all take a moment to remember that famous fanny as we all remember it on Jenny from the block.

Please, on the right of this post will be a poll, vote for the team you're on.

Which butt is the greatest of all time? You decide.

All tail aside, some shit you should be seeing on the internet right now!

Do you like comics? Do you like "Web" comics? Do you even know what a web-comic is? This is going to totally be a bust because people don't like shit they have to read, which is ironic because look where you are now? Reading. Jokes on you. Anyways here are a few web-comics that you might enjoy. If you're into that kind of thing. - Small story-arch comic, comedy, debauchery and silliness, fiction with sci-fi. - Small story-arch comic, comedy, random/video games, fiction with sci-fi. - Continuous story comic, comedy, MMO/RPG parody, Fantasy. - Continuous story comic, comedy, real life, fiction with some fantasy. - Evolving story comic, comedy, alternate reality/mythological, fantasy/myth. - Continuous story comic, drama/action, British/cataclysmic event, fantasy/sci-fi.

It's a lot I know, but if you're into comics even a little bit, it's worth at least checking a few out. Even if you're just one of those people who reads the funnies in the news paper, these are way better.

I'm sorry Kim, yours is nice too, it really is, but I have loyalties to consider, forgive me?

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe?

You know that thing you did as a child to aid yourself in picking something? Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch a tiger by the toe, if it hollers let him go, eeny meeny miny moe?

What the shit kind of awful advice is that? Catch a tiger by the toe? Why would you suggest that to any one? When would that ever be a good idea? It's a TIGER for God's sake, leave it's damn toes alone. Christ. Also, while I'm here, what the flock is "eeny meeny miny moe" supposed to mean? That's just nonsense and it's encouraging children to talk like Italians.

So the other day I was thinking. And I decided that I might totally find a way to get famous, JUST so I can marry Miley Cyrus. I'll sweep her off her little boot covered feet. It'll be great.

Billy Ray as a in-law might get old though. I'm pretty sure that would almost be a deal killer. I don't think my Achy Breaky Heart could take having to put up with his bullshit on a day to day basis.

I'm sorry. That joke I just made. You would have to know early '90s Country hits to have gotten that. Which I assume is a whopping 0% of my demographic. I fucked up guys, fucked up real bad.

Still, as much as I hate to admit it, Miley is cute as a button. That song "Party in the U.S.A." is alarmingly catchy, it's one of those songs that I'm always secretly excited about when it comes on the radio, of course it helps that she's adorable. I'm just saying.

She's totally my future ex-wife.

Super transition

Some shit you should visit on the net, this is a place you've all heard of, and you've all gone too. But I want you to go there, and really really see it. You haven't, don't lie to yourself.

Go there right meow. Check out RayWilliamJohnson or Sxephil or GradualReport or some of the other really big youtubers that a lot of people might not ever see because they're busy watching videos of babies and cats. You know who you are, you freaks.

Search in the youtube search bar thingy:

"raywilliamjohnson" his show is called "=3" and he shows and comments on funny viral videos.

"sxephil" his show "The Philip Defranco Show" and he is more about the news/current events. In a charming and hilarious way of course.

"gradualreport" by Danny Grozdich is a show called "The Gradual Report" where he...well...he...does and talks about really random things and stuff....I guess. He's hilarious either way. Usually.

"juliansmith" and this guy. This guy here. He does short comedy sketches. Which are usually quite hilarious. I suggest "Hot Koolaid"