Much too Deep for this Blog

(I apologize to those of which are about to read my emo rant. Especially you fellow men, please, try to respect me after this is all said and done, or don't, maybe we can fight about it, you know, in a totally manly way)

For any of you poor souls who stumbled onto this for the first time, as a warning, this is not even within a few metaphorical miles of what this blog is usually about, this is an emotional rant, unrelated to the usual content in every way possible. These emotional rants have happened once before, with the death of a friend, and will probably happen again, but usually, the other posts are more the usual, so check them out if this deep, girly, emotional crap, isn't your cup of Joe.

Accepting is a tough thing. I'm going to remain vague about this. But last week. Last week was rough. Some things happened and I'm not at all sure if I liked them even a little. But trying to accept these things is all a person can do. I would give almost anything in the world to go back before last week and do things over, change things, and just all together not do last week over again. For those of you who are concerned at this point, don't be. It's not anything that requires outside concern for my safety or anything. It's just one of those things.

I suddenly found myself missing something, something I had, and had potentially taken for granted on occasion. Something I'd give anything to have back, something everything reminds me of, something I can't escape from. Yet something that escaped from me.

This makes me feel such a tumult of emotions. It's no secret that I'm a fairly emotional person, at least for a male. But this event that happened last week, it brings me back over the last three years of my life. I have such an uncountable amount of memories over these last three years that I can't possibly forget enough of them to make this any better. So many memories that are filled with such love and sweetness that just remembering them crushes the very happiness out of my being, knowing that they will likely never happen again.

I would go back three years. I would do everything perfect while I had the chance, even if it happened again, I would make every moment count. Because just like that, in the blink of an eye, without warning, I may never have another chance.

I guess the moral of this is quite cliche, don't take a single thing for granted and live every moment like you might not have another.

I'm obviously not handling this well. I obviously care/cared too much. I understand the reasons it happened, and agreed with many of them originally. But the way I feel now makes none of that matter. I would never choose to feel like this again. I would have it all reversed. I would have that piece of me I'm missing returned.

I have been hurt in ways I didn't realize possible. I know there is worse, has been worse, and could be worse, but I still feel what I feel and it's not pleasant. Three years isn't THAT long after all, but to me, it's been the world. The amount of growing I've done in these three years has been spent by the side of something that might never be at my side again. I don't know what to do with myself. I had no idea how much I relied on that. And not in a negative way, not a way that implied I needed independence, because while I relied on it, I could go days or weeks without it and be fine, fine because I knew it would be in my life again, once again supporting me. But now, the thought of it possibly never coming back, makes me regret so many things that happened, and so many things that should of happened. There's just so many things I would redo, and only now realize such. It makes me want another chance. I hope for another chance. I have hope, a delusional hope, that maybe I will have another chance. But I know, I know it might never come. Some things move on, some things get left behind. I fear that no matter how much I care, it doesn't mean it will be reciprocated.

So many things I don't want to do because it will remind me of a perfect little moment in time in my past that will never exist again.

Having something seem to care about you more than anything else one day, and seem to not at all the next day, just like that. That's a bit too quick for my taste. It's so sudden it's unbelievable. Imagine the perfect day, you know with everything you've ever wanted and loved and cake and all that crap, whatever makes you happy. Imagine in that day, right in the middle, everything instantly stopping and being replaced by a completely opposite world, filled with everything you hate and detest, like spiders and heights and death. Just suddenly, that's sort of how this feels. Going from perfect, and perfectly fine, to the complete and universal opposite. I can't even imagine myself ever getting completely over this feeling. Losing something so quickly is what makes this considerably harder I believe. Having something tell you one thing one day, promise you the universe, and then up and change it's mind the next. It really eats away at you. I'm not saying I necessarily had planned on forever, but I definitely planned on now. All I wanted was to live in the now with how it was. Let the future be the future. Let the past be the past, all I asked for, was the now. Ironically though, without the now, I find myself looking towards the future with a pathetic hope, and remembering the past with a desperate attachment. 


I don't know what I want, but I do know this isn't it.

I realize this uncomfortably deep. I also realize that that piece isn't coming back. Not now, not any time soon, and maybe not ever.

Here's to moving on the best I can while wishing I didn't have too.

Here's to pretending like it will all get better, whilst knowing that I, perpetually unlucky, won't be so blessed.

One more for those of you who like things in threes...

Here's to change and hoping it doesn't emotionally destroy me in the end.