Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Land of Ten Thousand

My posts have been, more so, about my personal life lately and less about whatever they're normally about.

I figure I'll keep that going while I'm back here in the occasionally wonderful state of Minnesota and continue telling you about what I be doin'.

Last I wrote was, I believe, about the Baptism. Again, I can't stress enough how cute those little bastards are. Especially the smallest. If I had a nickel for every time I went, "Oh! I need to take a picture of that!" I'd have roughly $11.35.

Really though, love the lil shits. I have more pictures of the youngest on my iPhone than I know what to do with.

Oh, and the niece is 16 so I've had to pleasure of taking her driving. She only has the permit and needs an adult of 21 years of age or older to be passenger while she gets in her practice. And realizing I actually count as a that adult makes me feel old. Wtf happened. Since when am I a responsible adult?

Either way, taking her driving was pretty BA.

Of course I can't not mention camping. So many things need to be said about that.

We went on a several day camping venture at Green Lake here in southern Minnesota. It was a blast. Just my brother, I, and my sisters family tenting over a couple nights at the lake.

It's been so long since I've camped in Minnesota. I find the fresh air to be different here than it is in Montana. It seems more alive and vivid. Montana it is truly 'fresh' in the way that you don't really smell or sense anything on the wind, it's just good ol' fashion fresh air. But in Minnesota it's so much more, you can smell the lakes and the wildlife and the trees and it just seems more alive. I missed that.

Of course we made fires, went fishing, laid on the beach in the sun, cooked over fire, played horseshoes, slept uncomfortably in tents, the whole nine yards.

It's been so long since I've gone fishing btw. Despite the fact we didn't catch anything, being on a boat again with the intent to catch a fish was a great time.

It turns out that even being out of practice, I kick ass as making fires.

And I'm even better at getting slightly sun burnt whilst doing it all.

Not to mention the weather was amazing. I've always been a strong complainer of how shitty the weather generally is in MN but we couldn't of picked a better two days to go camping. It wasn't terribly humid, or hot, and just windy enough to keep away the swarms of blood sucking mosquitoes.

We left just in time though because it's sinfully hot/humid today. Jesus Christ I don't miss this part of MN. When outside literally turns into a sauna you have to wonder why anyone would live in a place like this. But then I remember camping in the woods at the lake and go...


Again, I'll probably be up in Walker soon, so any home towners interested in broing down let me know. Sorry, I'm not more specific on when, I'm working on that part, but soon enough.

For those not from my home town, I apologize for this boring life stuff, I'll get back to whatever it is you clearly came here for when I return to Montana.

p.s. Remind me to talk to you about Minnesota's government shutting down.

Monday, June 27, 2011

The Godfather

I am officially the Godparent of not one but two nephews of mine.

Apparently I own them now, or something like that, you know, church things, but as far as I'm concerned I do in fact own them both.

But really, indentured servant jokes or not, the baptism itself was a good time, I got to sign my name on some papers, dress up all sexy like, stand in front of a relatively small group of strangers in a church that I don't belong too, stand next to an adorable pair of nephews, and look amazing all while doing so.

The point is, for a guy who is generally nothing more than lumpy and white, I clean up fuckin' nice, at least in my opinion, and as you know mine is the only opinion that really matters. I find myself hard to resist in these kind of occasions. I walk by a mirror and barely contain the urge to have my way with myself, whether I like it or not. Who am I going to tell if I take advantage of myself? No one, if I know what's good for me. I wouldn't want to have to hit myself again, would I? Would I?!

I only abuse myself because I love myself and don't know what's good for myself. I mean what?

Primary family responsibilities completed...

Secondary family responsibilities pending...

Friday, June 24, 2011


Guess who's recently become voluntarily unemployed? THIS guy!

It's weird really. Whenever I leave a job it makes it seem like life is moving forward or changing in a more drastic way than it actually is. You know? Does it feel like that to anyone else? It's got that certain 'the first day of the rest of your life' feel to it. To me at least.

But yes that's right, Dynojet and I went our separate ways. I'm going be in Minnesota for a smidgeon starting right meow and ending who knows when and then I eventually start up school in the fall again so between those two things I have no time for Dynojet in my future. Which is a shame, I was like a superstar there, I was the 'Chosen One' and all that jazz. I fancy myself, in the year I was there, to be the greatest thing to happen to that place since it's founding.

Yes, I'm making that claim right here and right now.

Where too next you say? Right now I need to quickly do some things, more specifically, fancy grown up things like pay some bills, deposit some checks like a gangsta, mail something, pick up the place a bit before I leave, get some logistics out of the way, do a bit of the ol' science, commit some acts of 'hustling', you get the idea.

And I suppose after that a whole lot of balling on a budget so-to-speak, since I won't have an incoming flow of money. Until school starts that is, I'll be getting BANK when that happens.

But for the time being I'll be busy for a week or six so I'll catch you cats on the flip side...or six flip sides from now. Whichever it ends up being.


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Feeling Kind of Fruity?

The other day I was sitting at work enjoying a couple apples for lunch. When a coworker of mine walks up and asks, "Oh, are you on a diet?"

Bitch please

Just because I'm eating an apple means I'm on a fucking diet? Since when does that automatically follow? Can't a guy enjoy a fruit without being accused of dieting? What the shit is she getting at? Did she look at me and think, "Now there's a guy who only eats fruit when he's dieting!" or did she just simply look at the fruit and think, "Now there's something I would only eat if I was on a diet!"

Either way it seemed damned presumptuous. And this isn't even the first time. Anytime someone catches me eating a banana or a yogurt or something they ask me if I'm on a diet. Wtf? I can't tell if this is reflecting poorly on me or on society in general when someone sees me with a fruit and assumes diet as if there is no other real explanation.

Here's a crazy idea, maybe I just like apples. Ever think of that? You *#*$&

Which brings me to a funny story...

It was a rainy Tuesday morning. I was in the shower getting ready to race to work because I was already running late. There's a knock on the bathroom door. It's my roommate, he asks, "Can you give me a ride to campus before work?" In which I didn't respond, but then he added, "I'll give you that sandwich in the fridge", and at that point I agreed to give him a ride at the risk of being late for work.

If potentially being late for work for a freaking sandwich isn't shameful enough. I ended up getting a speeding ticket and being even more late than I would of been. I had to explain to my supervisor that I was late for work because I had gotten a speeding ticket and that I got that speeding ticket because I traded an ill advised ride for a half of a sandwich. I literally traded being late for work and a speeding ticket for half of an old sandwich. Wtf me.

That's when I decided to start bringing fruit to work.

Because really, if you're trading favors for old sandwiches you know you have a problem.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

A Game of Thrones

I imagine you've all watched the "A Game of Thrones" season finale by now.

That's right. I'm making that assumption. Try to stop me.

I'll be completely frank with you all. I thought they did an absolutely stupendous job adapting the books to an HBO series.

The casting was wonderful, the acting was superb, the episodes were fluid and coherent, it was just about as good as it could of been.

Some complaints might of been that it would be a bit hard to fully understand and grasp what the hell was going on for anyone who hasn't read the books. It got easier, but I feel like the first few episodes would/were hell for anyone who didn't already have an idea what was going on. They almost left out a few very minor characters completely, which isn't a real big issue, they after all weren't terribly important, but I just noticed their absence. Ned's hair should of been black, they had it more of a brown, which is cool I guess, but I specifically remember it being mentioned more than once that his hair was black.

Some reasonable complains might also involve the lack of any large scale fight scenes. They purposely avoided one or two. I understand the time and money that would go into a full scale battle scene so I don't blame them for avoiding them completely. It just kind of saddens me. I would of liked to see those battles. Though if I remember correctly George R.R. Martin didn't get too terribly detailed with those in the books either.

Other than little things like hair color and the story throwing you in a bit quickly in the first few episodes for those who didn't read the books, I still stand by my declarations that it was all masterfully done. Most of the roles were filled wonderfully. Sean Bean was a great Ned, Peter Dinklage was a great Tyrion, the Stark children were all cast pretty great, the only complaint in casting was I didn't particularly like Mark Addy as King Robert.

The finale itself was well done. They didn't do that thing where they tried way to hard to make it full of grandeur and epicness like some series' do. They just finished it up like the first book ended and some cool shit went down and that was that. Nothing flashy or stupid. Just tied up some ends, gave a few teasers, implied future awesomeness, and let us stew until what I guess will be spring of 2012.

On a completely left field turn to something as unrelated as it can get. I was sitting down to a nice home cooked meal that I and a roommate laboriously prepared and I accidentally caught an episode of "Ugly Betty".

To make a long story short, I sat through it for the sake of curiosity and I'm ashamed to admit, I didn't hate it. It's not necessarily my type of show, but for what it is I feel like it's done pretty well. It seemed like a pretty decent show for the genre and sub-genre it falls into.

It's no Spartacus or A Game of Thrones but it was, lets say, cute.

Oh, and True Blood. I've caught about the last ten minutes of every episode since AGoT first aired since it comes right before AGoT and I must say. Not a fan. I can understand why tons of vampire loving women might like it. It has vampires and witches and what I take to be romance and violence but in a context where it's somehow clearly more acceptable to women than it is in Spartacus and other such programs. So if I was a young vampire loving women I could totally see myself enjoying something like this.

But I'm not and I find it weird and kind of silly.

While I'm on the entertainment review ball here I might as well hit you with what I thought of "Green Lantern"

I thought it was great. I found it also to be very well done. I don't know a lot of the actual lore behind the Green Lantern comics but I found the movie easy to digest, fun to watch, and an all around enjoyable experience. I was considerably skeptical about Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern but I thought he did really well. And of course Blake Lively was attractive as always. What else is there? It just turned out to be better than I expected. Though I had pretty low hopes to that's not saying a lot. But even if my hopes had been higher I feel like I wouldn't of left the theater with any regret.

Two Birds with One Stone

You know the phrase, "kill two birds with one stone", what the hell is that really about?

Was there ever a period in human history when we routinely killed birds with stones? Not only that but apparently tried to kill as many birds as we could with as few stones as we could. Did some guy get lucky one day and get two birds with one stone and go, "OH SHIT! I have to tell everybody to do this, for the rest of forever!"

I feel like in the two years of Anthropology classes I participated in I didn't hear about our history of hunting birds with stones. In fact now that I think of it I didn't hear about it at all. I'm not saying people probably didn't kill the occasionally bird with a stone. I guess I feel like it probably wasn't a normal enough hunting occurrence to warrant making up a popular 'saying' that lasts for the rest of human existence.

If you go back far enough we were more likely killing or scavenging larger mammals and if you get a bit more modern we would have invented archery and I feel like arrows would be better suited for killing anything than a stone would.

Maybe it was that crazy guy who lived in the hut on the end. The one everyone knew was a little off. The village weirdo. He never came to the rain dances and didn't participate in ceremonies. You know the one. Maybe his crazy ass always went off in the woods with an arm full of stones and threw them at birds all God damned day.

Maybe the others made the phrase "kill two birds with one stone" as a tongue in cheek thing to mock him with. Because face it, when is that crazy bastard ever going to kill any birds, let alone two.

But then he not only gets a bird but he kills two with one stone none-the-less! The village is amazed and the phrase lives on forever. The End.


A phrase that might be misleading in the wrong context:

"I was going to town on this ass the other day."

You see, for an average person with their mind in the gutter this clearly means one thing. But WAIT. 

Might the speaker of this phrase merely of meant that he was riding into town on a donkey?

You sick f*cks


This one is too good to pass up. So like I've mentioned before. I can go into the blog's stats and see what people searched for in Google (or whatever other search engine people use, except, who the fuck doesn't use Google for all their searching needs?) to get here.

And I kid you not, recently, one of the paths that led a poor soul here was "Butt piss"

Yes, somebody typed butt piss into Google and Google was like, "I know exactly where you belong, butt piss man." and sent his/her questionable self this way.

Look. I don't know what the hell you want Mr. and or Mrs/Miss butt piss but you can't find it here. I'm not a doctor nor am I anyone else qualified to deal with such a topic. You're welcome to stay but please don't bother the others.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Damn You Scooter Braun, Damn You

Apparently it's Scooter Braun's birthday today. If you don't know who that is, it's cool, neither did/do I.

But from what I gather he was the man who 'discovered' Justin Bieber on Youtube. I assume he's some sort of agent or something and blah blah blah everyone loves him because he found the boy wonder on the Youtube.

I know this because #happybirthdayscooter is currently 'trending' on twitter. Now, if this is all over your head I understand, because I wish I didn't know what any of it meant either. Oh God, please kill me.

I'll explain it for anyone who is lucky enough to have not gotten sucked into the hell that is twitter. SO here is how it goes down. People 'tweet' things, random shit, you know. And everyone is able to 'hashtag' topics and shit in that tweet if they so desire. A hashtag basically tags your tweet and any tweets with the same hashtag and makes it so if someone searched for it on twitter they can find all the tweets with the same hashtag on it. For example. I could go on and search #gameofthrones and a list of all the tweets that had #gameofthrones in it would magically appear so I could read all the comments people are making about GoT.

Now, when something is hashtag...ed enough it 'trends', meaning it one of the highest or most hashtaged things on twitter at the time. At least I'm fairly certain that's how this all works. Which makes it so whatevers big in the news or popular culture at the time tends to trend. Back when Charlie Sheen was all the biz, he trended, or when the tsunami hit Japan, that trended, etc. You get the idea.

ANYways. The reason I explained all of this is to complain about one God damned thing. #Happybirthdayscooter is currently trending because it's his birthday and millions of Bieb fans are thanking him for finding the Biebmeister.

I don't know why but something about that makes me want to burn down the world.

This man shouldn't be so well known. Because he is probably a behind the scenes kind of guy in the entertainment business. The only reason people know who he is is because he happened to discover the 9th wonder of the modern world. People are all celebrating his birthday because they love him and they love him because they love Beaver, I mean Bieber.

That's like if I celebrated George R.R. Martin's mother's birthday and thanked her for giving birth to Mr. Martin. Wouldn't that be a bit off to you? "Thanks George's mom, without you and your va-jay-jay we all would of never gotten to read this great book series decades down the road! Good Job!"

All the tweets for this Scooter guy are just thanking him for supplying the world with a teen pop sensation, hardly any are about his birthday at all, other than the hashtag they're tagged with. Wtf internet. Nobody would give a crap about this poor guy if he didn't give them B.

Or in my case, cool name Scooter, you asshole, what are you 7? I'll never forgive you for what you've done to me and to the world. Watch your back.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Malaysia Was My Bitch

No offense to any Malaysians who read this. I know there might be a few?

So there I was last night dreaming away. Mostly various short dreams about stuff I'm not at liberty to mention. But then the last dream was a bit longer and more detailed in a very delightful way.

So I had started a small  revolution in Malaysia with locals there who weren't happy with how things went. It had promise but really didn't seem like it was going to do anything major. The revolution ended up getting into the palace area of my (dream version of Malaysia's government). And I ended up pitted against it's main military leader in a fight that I was clearly the underdog in. I ended up getting lucky and winning the fight. So the "Queen" conceded the throne to me and I threw her off of a balcony thing overlooking the main mass of people, who had by then, collected in and around the Capital.

Don't judge me, it was some sort of tradition or cultural norm to apparently publicly execute the leader you replace, everyone else was fine with it, including the Queen. So don't make me out to be a sick bastard.

I then claimed the small but very beautiful crown. I preceded to throw the throne, which was a gorgeous but small wooden chair, over the same balcony to make a show of bravado or something like that. In which I was just going to have a bigger better thrown made for me later. I also threw the crown with the same idea but changed my mind and went down to get it.

I was determined to not be that leader who wastes all the money on personal things like extravagant crowns and personal wealth. I decided I was going to stick it out and actually try to help out Malaysia in the long run and get it out of whatever issues it was in that caused the people to revolt with me in the first place. The whole time I was dreaming it was actually all done in a fairly believable realistic way too. So it was kind of cool that way. By that I mean there wasn't flying monkeys, futuristic guns, incorrect gravity, or just any other crazy things. It was more or less just 'set' in the modern real world. I guess.

So besides the little badass crown I got I was also able to claim that main military leaders weapon and some other random stuff. It was all sort of just mine, especially because of the nature in which I came to power. It was sort of like one of those 'you get what you kill' type things.

Either way. In the dream I was so pumped up and full of adrenaline at the fact I just became the leader of a country by somewhat random means. It was pretty wicked actually. Generals were talking to me and I was being shown around the palace. I was getting the low down on stuff. I was damn excited to rule.

And then I woke up in Bozeman, Montana, possibly more disappointed than I ever have been before.

...I didn't even get to the part where I all the prettiest of the Malaysian women throw themselves at me.

On a humorous side note. I was going to take a picture of the crown with my phone and send it to people and tweet it and other random stuff. As if the world wouldn't know if Malaysia was overthrown by some random American with no credentials at all. Like it would be news to the bros that I was in and now the ruler of a foreign country.

Which brings me to my final point. If any of you find yourself in and the ruler of a foreign country I expect a text declaring that fact. And I expect a seat in your government.


Why Malaysia you might be asking? Well the answer is simple. There is no reason. My mind just picked a place. Malaysia was probably more likely in itself because through a good bro of mine I sort of know a handful of Malaysians so that probably influenced my brain in choosing that as the random country to conquer.

Again, I apologize to the Malaysians I may know or that may read this. But you know I would of put all you little shits in government positions. You are welcome for that. And you're welcome for how awesome I was about to make your country.

The moral of the story is, I now have a new dream/goal in life. Some day I'll do it for watch your backs.

Good day.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Keeping it Going

There I am at this bar/club/thing and a thought struck me, struck me roughly in the temporal lobe, the left one to be specific. Anyways, that thought went a little something like this......bars/clubs are basically expensive, slightly classier, "grown-up" frats.

I'm just saying. You know it's true. It's like a frat party, but considerably more expensive, and considerably less sketchy.

I was still skeptical about this being single thing, skeptical for a good long time, but more and more I like the idea. It's been a while since I've been able to spread the old metaphorical wings. But I'm able to go out, have a good time, bring along two wingmen who were surprisingly helpful, and not worry about anything. Along those lines, I've also noticed I think I'm a bit of a late bloomer into the field of acting stupid and young. I went out before, sure, but never with much enthusiasm and I now find, being 21 and single, that I suddenly just now have to urge to go out on a regular basis and with enthusiasm. I feel like I'm a bit late to the punch. Shouldn't I have been wanting to do this since I was 16? All the time I've wasted being respectable and mature.

If you forget your card at the bar and didn't close your tab, you sort of HAVE to go back for it...and might as well enjoy yourself while you're there, am I right?

So I went on a night that was apparently "bucket night". Which means you buy a bucket of some sort of drink and drink said bucket. Except while I was drinking my bucket solo I looked around and realized (as I finished the bucket) that I was doing it wrong. This realization came to me because I noticed that there were tables full of girls all drinking out of one bucket. Like 657 girls per bucket. I was understandably outraged. Because not only did I not really want a gallon of some vodka mixed drink but nobody told ME I could enlist help. I could of shared with at least a half dozen sober girls in need of a buzz...

...Sadly by the time I figured that out my bucket was gone and I forgot who I was.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Bitches Love What I Think

So there I was. My birthday. And I drank legally. It was weird. I kept watching for the cops, expecting someone to try to start a shitty drinking game, and wondering how I'm supposed to drink without making it a race against someone else. Turns out when you're 21 you drink casually in a public setting and act like adults. Wtf is that about? It was so mature and low key. Crazy.

I jest of course. But speaking of hitting 1000 views. I hit 1000 views more than a month ago and kind of forgot to pointlessly mention and celebrate that small accomplishment. So here it is. 1000 views. That's cool. I'd like to start off by thanking Jesus. And that's about it really. What the fock have the rest of you done? Are you saviors? Did you die for sins? No. Why would I give you any credit for anything? That's absurd to even suggest that YOU deserve any credit. YOU viewers clearly aren't the ones who caused me to receive 1000 views (1348 or something by now). So no, I won't 'thank you' viewers. *Considerably Sly Wink*

Sarcasm or not, it kind of makes me wonder if Jesus reads my blog...

On the off-chance he does...Hey Jesus, sup bro?

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Helloooooo Ladies

Guess who is officially ready to be back on the market? THIS guy. I've been technically on the shelves for a few months now but some of the paper work was misplaced and it took a while for me to get into the database and the system and stocked onto the shelves in the right location. You know how it is when making a unpersonificational comparison between a person and a product.

That's right, unpersonificational, I totally just made that up.

Either way. Life moves forward and we move on...

...onto my 21st birthday! That's right, come June 7th in what, 2 days? This guy is going to...calmly enjoy the benefits of being 21 whilst not doing anything stupid. Because to be honest I'm boring like that. But fear not, the dark recesses that make up the Montana bar scene will surely turn out a glorious amount of suitable women?

But really, to be honest I'm not and haven't been too terribly excited about turning 21. I have always been bad as being young though, the whole youthful ambition to cause trouble and mischief has always escaped me. I've never had a lot of urge to rebel or get shit faced or to act like a complete idiot. Mind you I said complete idiot, I'm always up for acting like half an idiot or so. So I, hopefully, won't be one of those cases where I end up getting my stomach pumped on my 21st.

Moving on from that. All I have left to look forward too is renting a car at the age of 25 and becoming president at 35. Other than those last two milestones it's all downhill from here. People should start celebrating those two ages as well. Wouldn't that be a good reason to throw a party? Drink when you're 21, throw a "renting my first car" party when you're 25, and throw a "I could legally be president if I so chose" party at 35.

I think I'll do that, you're all invited by the way. So in about 4 years, meet me at the nearest Enterprise and we'll rent me a car. Oh wait, they "pick you up" me at my place and we'll call Enterprise and have them send a car over. We can get the rental insurance and destroy it, together, it'll be a great time. Maybe I'll have games and contests to see who gets to drive it/wreck it first.

That started out as a joke but the more I sarcastically plan it out, the better of an idea it sounds...

Sea Biscuit! Write that down for me.

To explain, you see, Sea Biscuit is my personal secretary/editor/bitch and he does what I says. Boy.

But really, there is a project in the making and you fine people will find out about it in the future hopefully. Trying to get it off the ground and all. Saying things like "get it off the ground" helps because it makes it sound much more important and legit than it actually is.

Speaking of legit, I'm too legit, too legit, too legit to quit.

Shout out to my SISTA Nicole. If you got here via her twitter, leave a comment, and for ever person who got here via that twat (I meant that as a substitute for the word 'tweet' and in no way was referring to Nicole as a twat)...anyways if that twat Nikki sent you, show some love and she wins something for every person. She wins real good.

I'm not sure what yet. But I'll brain storm something up. And the rest of you too, if people get here by way of your twats, you win too.

I don't know what the prizes/gifts/sacrifices will be, but I do know you'll love it.

I should really think of a hook or something...


Quandary of the day!

Mountain Dew or Coke?

Why? Because your opinion matters!

Additionally: It appears either nobody notices the poll on the upper right of the page or nobody cares. I'm going to assume it's that you're all idiots and nobody notices. Because 60 page views and only 2 votes? Come on people, get with the program. How hard is it to click 'Coke' or 'Mountain Dew' ? The answer is not at all. Now go vote mine muffins!


We used to play this 'game' in High School where we would call over acquaintances to our table during lunch and ask them "Would You Rather?" questions that we made up ourselves. Usually just so afterward, no matter what they picked, we could laugh at them and chastise them for being disgusting or sick. I loved that 'game'. Because we always won.

There was no real point to that story, I just wanted to let you know. You're welcome for that potential new hobby idea. Try that shit during work, or with friends, maybe even relatives. Ask grandma if she would rather give a Rusty Trombone or receive a Cleveland Steamer? I dare you.

I apologize for anyone who knows what those are or looked them up. Making my parents proud, one blog post at a time. And for God's sake don't ask your grandma that. In fact it would be best if your grandma didn't even know you knew me. I can be your dirty little secret, who has to know?

Ohhhhhh ME. And maybe even YOU, if you're lucky.

What might I mean by that? Who knows. Who. Knows.

Disclaimer: Your opinion doesn't actually matter.