In Memory of Caleb Acker

So, gang, I have been neglecting my so far regular...ish posting due to the fact that a friend of mine was killed Monday, Valentine's Day, in an avalanche.

This news struck me and hit hard. I wouldn't say we were close friends, but he was a friend, a friend I've known for 3 years now.  Though, I didn't know him nearly as well as I would of liked to.

It's funny, I didn't want this blog, this first blog of mine, to be deep and never planned on it being anything other than stupid stories and shallow humor, but here we are at a point where I can't help but write about the tragedy that occurred to myself but even more so to the family and closer friends of the departed.

On Monday Caleb Acker had hiked up the backside of a ski mountain and was snowboarding it. Some snow got knocked loose and started an avalanche. He was buried under tons of snow and a friend who was with quickly called 911. He had a beacon so he was quickly found, but even that was quick enough. He was dead already when they found him.

I don't even really know where to start. So many things to say and so many emotions to explain.

His name was Caleb Acker. He was tall, had short curly hair, and a huge never ending smile. He seemed to always be in a good mood, always smiling, laughing, or just being silly in general. It was infectious. I'd never seen him in a bad mood that I recall, and if I had, it was always laced with a certain unnatural patience and calmness. He was an absolute joy to be around and a great friend. I can't give him justice, trying to explain him in here, it's just not possible.

The memories, though many people know him better and have known him longer. I still have so many fond memories of Caleb. Asking him to play Mr. Roboto at parties, letting him play a match in COD MW2 and then laughing at him when he failed hardcore, noticing him with a large can of Fosters and asking where the hell he got that from, making fun of his strangely nappy/curly hair, how he always seemed to DJ parties at his house and mine, going to the hot springs with him and chilling, convincing him to try the cold tub at the springs, beer pong, quarters, and many more.

He was such an inspiring person and made such an impression on even me, someone who again didn't know him nearly as well as most, that my emotions since hearing word of his passing have been in a constant tumult. I was shocked, speechless, sad beyond reason, outraged, angry, sad again, and so on. I was sad to think that the last time I saw him was Halloween, much longer ago than I would of liked, sad that I just got a new phone, and almost text him last weekend, seeing if it was still the right number and asking him how he was but I didn't, sad that someone so young with a loving family and so many loving friends could go at such a pointless random way, sad that I know I'll never see him  and that he himself will never draw another breath on this earth again.

God gives little comfort, I find myself wondering how God could let such a thing happen to someone. Not just Caleb but it got me thinking of all the pointless senseless deaths around the world. How does this all happen, causing these feelings I'm feeling, to millions of people around the world every day. If God is omnipotent why would he let this happen? Surely he knew it was going to happen, why didn't he stop it? I found myself shaking my fist at God, if there even is a God, for these grievances.

I thought about how it happened, Caleb was just snowboarding, on a normal day, and how random and sick it was that on such a normal outing he would end up never going home or being seen alive again. I thought of his family, his siblings, his close friends. Out of the blue he died. That to me is so much worse than when death is expected because of a sickness or something of that sort. When it is so sudden and so young it makes me all sorts of regretful. So many things I wonder and they just make it worse, I wonder what he was thinking, if he was scared, if that while it was happening did he know this would be the end and he would actually die?

Death. Death is one things I'm immeasurably afraid of. The idea of death is so final and so daunting it makes me sick to think about. That's one of my problems, the finality of it. There is no going back and no re-do's in death. It's the last thing for so many people. The last time Caleb will ever experience anything, the last time a sister will see her brother, a friend will see their friend, a mother will see her son, the last time for it all. And to happen to someone so unexpectedly and senselessly causes me all the pain in the world. Not just for my personal loss, but thinking about how much more that so many more people lost as well. The loss of everyone. The entire situation. All the things Caleb won't do. Have a family, grow old, use the architecture skills he worked so hard for so long acquiring, see anyone ever again. Imagining how others feel and how everyone must feel whenever they lose someone.

People say funerals are for celebrating life, and I truly would celebrate Caleb's, but it's not fair. None of it is fair, funerals should celebrate those who have lived a full life, gotten to live theirs. Caleb's was robbed from him and he didn't get to live his full life, how are you supposed to celebrate something that wasn't complete. On one hand you could say it was complete in how he lived it well, while he was around, and he had all the love he would ever need, and he was completed by those around him. But it's still just not fair.

Whatever it is that I've rambled on about is still only 1/10 of the things I could say. But at this point I'm just ranting. Besides, I couldn't begin to explain what I feel, have felt, and will feel every time someone I know or am even semi close to dies. There is such a mixture of emotions, ideas, thoughts, going on that I couldn't organize them into anything coherent even if I tried. I could explain why I personally am so distraught over such a situation, distraught to the point you'd think he was family, but again I can't even begin to explain the last few days. They've been a daze, an unreal fog of 'how did this happen' and 'is this real?' So many things sad, unfair, and unchangeable of the events the unfolded.

I will settle for this though, you will be missed Caleb, missed dearly, you deserved a longer life, you didn't deserve dying so young and full of hope and potential. Peace man. Wherever you end up next. I'll be down here, playing Mr. Roboto, hanging out in the springs, and having a Fosters. With love. Hopefully I'll see you again.