No Shave No Pants

I've never been able to participate in No Shave November. On account that every month is basically no shave month because I just couldn't grow hair on my face to save my life.

If somebody pointed a gun at my face and said 'grow some fucking facial hair or I'll shoot you!' I'd try my hardest but would probably just have to take the bullet.

If my life was a movie it would be called "No Reason to Where Pants" and Michael Bay would direct it. I'd have him fill it with explosions and loud noises but in reality it would be me job hunting on the Internet because nobody takes physical applications anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I hate pants. I fucking hate pants, but now that I'm here it would be nice to have a reason to put some on once in a while.

God forbid the building ever catch on fire. I'd be so excited about putting on pants I'd forget to leave and burn to death. Would have to re-title the movie "Killed By Pants" and I would probably need Tarantino to direct that one.

I could make it a trilogy and have Peter Jackson do it...

I haven't shaved or worn pants in a while...I guess that was my point.

Stop the ladies at the door because they can't handle this level of success.

Except in the movie that would be Samuel L. Jackson's line and he would probably say it more like this... "You best be stopping those mutha fuckin' bitches at that door, they can't even fucking handle this success, don't make me tell your ass twice!"

I guess the third movie would need to be titled "Found a Reason to Wear Pants But Still Has Not Bothered to Shave Though You Can't Tell Because He Doesn't Really Have Much Facial Hair Anyway". I wonder if they have limits on how long a title can be. It's my movie I'll do what I want.

I would obviously be played by Brad Pitt. Attractive but approachable, like myself.

Tickets on sale now, premiers in select theaters on April 20th, 2014.