Bitches Love What I Think

So there I was. My birthday. And I drank legally. It was weird. I kept watching for the cops, expecting someone to try to start a shitty drinking game, and wondering how I'm supposed to drink without making it a race against someone else. Turns out when you're 21 you drink casually in a public setting and act like adults. Wtf is that about? It was so mature and low key. Crazy.

I jest of course. But speaking of hitting 1000 views. I hit 1000 views more than a month ago and kind of forgot to pointlessly mention and celebrate that small accomplishment. So here it is. 1000 views. That's cool. I'd like to start off by thanking Jesus. And that's about it really. What the fock have the rest of you done? Are you saviors? Did you die for sins? No. Why would I give you any credit for anything? That's absurd to even suggest that YOU deserve any credit. YOU viewers clearly aren't the ones who caused me to receive 1000 views (1348 or something by now). So no, I won't 'thank you' viewers. *Considerably Sly Wink*

Sarcasm or not, it kind of makes me wonder if Jesus reads my blog...

On the off-chance he does...Hey Jesus, sup bro?

Helloooooo Ladies

Guess who is officially ready to be back on the market? THIS guy. I've been technically on the shelves for a few months now but some of the paper work was misplaced and it took a while for me to get into the database and the system and stocked onto the shelves in the right location. You know how it is when making a unpersonificational comparison between a person and a product.

That's right, unpersonificational, I totally just made that up.

Either way. Life moves forward and we move on...

...onto my 21st birthday! That's right, come June 7th in what, 2 days? This guy is going to...calmly enjoy the benefits of being 21 whilst not doing anything stupid. Because to be honest I'm boring like that. But fear not, the dark recesses that make up the Montana bar scene will surely turn out a glorious amount of suitable women?

But really, to be honest I'm not and haven't been too terribly excited about turning 21. I have always been bad as being young though, the whole youthful ambition to cause trouble and mischief has always escaped me. I've never had a lot of urge to rebel or get shit faced or to act like a complete idiot. Mind you I said complete idiot, I'm always up for acting like half an idiot or so. So I, hopefully, won't be one of those cases where I end up getting my stomach pumped on my 21st.

Moving on from that. All I have left to look forward too is renting a car at the age of 25 and becoming president at 35. Other than those last two milestones it's all downhill from here. People should start celebrating those two ages as well. Wouldn't that be a good reason to throw a party? Drink when you're 21, throw a "renting my first car" party when you're 25, and throw a "I could legally be president if I so chose" party at 35.

I think I'll do that, you're all invited by the way. So in about 4 years, meet me at the nearest Enterprise and we'll rent me a car. Oh wait, they "pick you up" now...meet me at my place and we'll call Enterprise and have them send a car over. We can get the rental insurance and destroy it, together, it'll be a great time. Maybe I'll have games and contests to see who gets to drive it/wreck it first.

That started out as a joke but the more I sarcastically plan it out, the better of an idea it sounds...

Sea Biscuit! Write that down for me.

To explain, you see, Sea Biscuit is my personal secretary/editor/bitch and he does what I says. Boy.

But really, there is a project in the making and you fine people will find out about it in the future hopefully. Trying to get it off the ground and all. Saying things like "get it off the ground" helps because it makes it sound much more important and legit than it actually is.

Speaking of legit, I'm too legit, too legit, too legit to quit.

Shout out to my SISTA Nicole. If you got here via her twitter, leave a comment, and for ever person who got here via that twat (I meant that as a substitute for the word 'tweet' and in no way was referring to Nicole as a twat)...anyways if that twat Nikki sent you, show some love and she wins something for every person. She wins real good.

I'm not sure what yet. But I'll brain storm something up. And the rest of you too, if people get here by way of your twats, you win too.

I don't know what the prizes/gifts/sacrifices will be, but I do know you'll love it.

I should really think of a hook or something...

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Quandary of the day!

Mountain Dew or Coke?

Why? Because your opinion matters!

Additionally: It appears either nobody notices the poll on the upper right of the page or nobody cares. I'm going to assume it's that you're all idiots and nobody notices. Because 60 page views and only 2 votes? Come on people, get with the program. How hard is it to click 'Coke' or 'Mountain Dew' ? The answer is not at all. Now go vote mine muffins!

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We used to play this 'game' in High School where we would call over acquaintances to our table during lunch and ask them "Would You Rather?" questions that we made up ourselves. Usually just so afterward, no matter what they picked, we could laugh at them and chastise them for being disgusting or sick. I loved that 'game'. Because we always won.

There was no real point to that story, I just wanted to let you know. You're welcome for that potential new hobby idea. Try that shit during work, or with friends, maybe even relatives. Ask grandma if she would rather give a Rusty Trombone or receive a Cleveland Steamer? I dare you.

I apologize for anyone who knows what those are or looked them up. Making my parents proud, one blog post at a time. And for God's sake don't ask your grandma that. In fact it would be best if your grandma didn't even know you knew me. I can be your dirty little secret, who has to know?

Ohhhhhh ME. And maybe even YOU, if you're lucky.

What might I mean by that? Who knows. Who. Knows.



Disclaimer: Your opinion doesn't actually matter.

Time Traveling Osama Would of Warned Himself

Well, this is awkward, I didn't think I'd see you guys here. So...yeah...how about that weather? What? No, me completely abandon you? Not this guy. I would never. It's just I was busy and you were busy and it's not you, it's me. I swear. No, don't cry, daddy's back.

All personification of an abstract/hypothetical situation aside. I'm all moved into my new place. It's pretty balling, if you don't mind my street lingo. I only recently acquired wireless internet so that's one of the many poor excuses I have for not posting anything in the last large unrealistically exaggerated amount of time. But hey, on the bright side, maybe I'll have lots of quality content to put forth now? Ha. That's classic me. Lying to myself.

Have you ever noticed that Greyhounds are very often not grey? What the F is up with that? What jaggass decided one day to name a dog by a color it wasn't always or even usually found in? Like Black Bear, that makes sense, I've never seen a Black Bear that wasn't, well, black. That was a poor judgement call by the guy who named the Greyhound, that son of a bitch.

Also, while we're here. You know how you know that you'll never invent a time machine? Because if at any time in your future you invented a time machine, you'd probably end up going back in time, and you'd of found out now in the present, so because nobody's ever come back in time to fix or change or do whatever they wanted to now, you know that no one ever will. Because since it's in the future, it would of happened already, sort of? Especially right now, I'm deciding that if I ever make a time machine, I'll come back to right now and tell myself. So I'm waiting....oh wait, I never showed up, how rude of me, what an asshole, making myself wait for myself like this. Damn. Damn it all to hell.

I would almost guarantee that Mr. Fields ate too many cookies and got diabetes and died. THAT'S why you only ever hear about Mrs. Fields. That old bitch.

I missed my chance to talk about Osama and or make bad jokes. I regret being busy because that would of probably been a gold mine. But I will say this, I heard the guy loved Coke and drank it every day. How very Western and American of him, the irony of that is killing me. Or actually killing him I suppose. OH!

I bet Toby Keith was excited beyond belief when he heard that old goat herder was dead.

This will have to just be a "Hey I'm back!" post and I'll try to think of some bits and shit to start doing again. You know, stuff to actually grab your attention and not waste your life away and cause you to cut yourself at night. Thanks for sticking around. I promise to try not to let you down. I will. But I promise to try not to.

Have a good one my little muffins.

p.s. Shout out to my brotha from anotha motha Dillon James Estabrooks. His cracka ass grad-ja-matated yesterday and his party is as we speak. Sorry I couldn't make it buddy, you know, money, life, work, etc. But you wait until you see the gift I'm getting you but haven't gotten you yet! It'll be great. You'll love it, maybe even too much. You sick bastard.

Oh Shit, This Needs a Title

Sorry, I've been meaning to come on here and mention that I'm sort of in the half-ass process of packing up stuff and moving, so that's why I haven't posted on Monday, or anything crazy like that. Just you know, getting ready to get the fuck out of here and move to a different location...in the same town...really just a mile or two away...

Regardless, I've been spending a lot of time telling everyone I'm busy packing while not actually packing anything. Thus, the lack of postage.

Catch you fine ladies and gentlemen on the other side then?

You will be there right? I'll make finger food, little sandwich triangles, you know, that kind of stuff. Be there or be square, and also stabbed, square, and stabbed.

I know a guy who stabs for real cheap so if you feel a sudden pain in your spleen tonight don't worry about it. It's just someone stabbing you on my behalf.

Speaking of Good Friday

That's tomorrow.

I don't know what's so good about it, doesn't it represent when Jesus died?...though I suppose killed is a bit more accurate than died. Not like it was an accident if you know what I mean. But either way that's sick that we consider the day Jesus died as good. I mean I understand it was for "our*" sins and all the jazz but still, what's so good about Jesus dying? Also, as any of you who are Christian might know, on "Good Friday" a person is expected to not eat any red meat. What's not eating red meat have to do with Jesus dying? It seems strangely unrelated. And why do we celebrate Jesus rising from the dead on Sunday with bunnies and eggs and all sorts of other nonsensical traditions? I know I'm not the first one to point this out, but that's simply because it's a good question. A couple of good questions even.

Was that blasphemous? ^ If it is, I apologize Jesus, but you understand what I mean.

* I parenthesize "our" because I wanted to mention that that obviously applies to Christian followers but I in no way discriminate against MUH brothas from another mother...or another God/Gods for that matter. I'd make jokes about all yall crazy saviors too, but I'm afraid I have not the knowledge to do so, so I'll stick with my standard middle class, white, American, Christian jokes, thank you very much.

SO there I was, driving behind a Honda Prelude the other day. And it had me asking this simple question...."to what?" Wtf does Honda think that's preluding? Because I'm fairly certain they didn't follow through with that implication. I bet it doesn't prelude anything. Those sons a bitches.

Honda Prelude my ass. Car manufacturers should start thinking up better names. That actually describe the car. Like the all new "Nissan Get-You-There-Faster-Than-a-Mitsubishi-Would" the "Ford Will-Run-Over-Small-Creatures"or even the "Toyota Your-Friends-Will-Tease-You-But-It's-Pretty-Damn-Fuel-Efficient" Because that might be just what marketing needs. Straight shooting.

I find I wasn't nearly as prepared as I could of been for posting today. For only doing this 2 out of the 7 days of the week, I find myself strangely unprepared to write anything. But failing at life comes pretty second nature to me. I even impress myself sometimes.

Amazon wants me to try to sell you a book called "Water for Elephants" and I can't help but laugh at the title. Maybe I should write a book and call it something that sounds like it could be deep, until you realize it's not.

I'll call it "Does a Woodchuck Chuck?" or "If a Bear is Shitting in the Woods and a Tree Falls on the Bear While it's Shitting and No One is Around to Hear it, Did the Bear Make a Noise as it's Body was being Crushed by the Large Oak in Question?"

Muffin In

Fuck you Jay.

Did I Say Thursday and Monday?

Son of a bitch. I said Monday didn't I? Wtf. I totally thought to myself, "Oh, on Tuesday I have to make a post because that's one of the two days that I said I'd do so." I fucked up guys. I fucked up real bad.

Fail.

Already a fail. Jesus Christ in Heaven. F my life. F it good and hard.

I don't even have anything good to say anyways. How about that basketball? I hear some things...might be happening...in basketball? You know, the big rich black guys, basketball.

I could of swore I overheard somebody mention the Lakers and as far as I know that's a Basketball team so it only follows that there is a bunch of stuff going on with basketball and any sport really that I don't know about because I frankly don't give a flying fuck. But that's besides the point.

What is the point you ask? Or for you basketball players, "What be the point you axe'n about?"

There it is right there. You ever notice how African American citizens pronounce "ask" as "axe"? Well first of all that's hilarious. It always makes me giggle. And secondly, do they, in turn, pronounce "basketball" as "baxeketball"? This is the kind of shit I sit around and think about. I blame my not so diverse upbringing in places like Northern Minnesota and Montana.

Speaking of "A Game of Thrones" the HBO series. Yes. Yes please. Yes please, may I have another? I was overall pretty happy with it. Nothing disappointed me. Most of the actors were as close as I could ever hope to be to what I imagined the characters would look like. It was all around pretty great. I'm pretty excited about the rest of the series. I'm totally underplaying my excitement here. I'm ecstatic about it, it was amazing, and I'm totally pumped for the rest. It was a total nerdgasm for anyone who has read to books. The mere idea was already pretty nerdgasmic in the first place though, so at this point it was just inevitable that it would be enjoyed assuming they didn't completely botch it, which they didn't.

I could finish with apologizing. Sorry I missed Monday already. It's like missing the first day of work or school or whatever other life responsibility that you want to substitute. Lol The first post of my new "schedule" and I missed it. You're all free to chastise me for it. Sorry gang, sorry I missed Monday. I'll do better next time. Maybe. Forgive me?

Muffin Out.

I'm Not Pointing Fingers Here, But Piss Off

Hey Hey Hey! That was of course a joke, you don't actually have to piss off. Unless you really want too, but who would want that? What kind of sick freak are you? This is totally the intro to my epic return to blogging. Despite the fact that I haven't really been gone that long, and I'm sure nobody even noticed. But regardless. Don't argue with me. You shits.

Anyways, so yes it does occur to me that I haven't posted in a millennia or two but, like all the other times I've disappointed you, I'll say this, get off my back. I was busy with, tons of important stuff and...yeah. Just busy in a totally manly way and all. I sure as hell wasn't being foolish, stupid, bitchy, emotional, or moody. That's EXACTLY what I was not doing. Not this guy! So mind your own damn business.

So to summarize what would most likely end up as a long pointless rant, I'm back, but I'm not going to lie to you all any longer, I'm not going to be daily like I kind of sort of was maybe in the beginning. I'm going to say like bi-weekly maybe? Something like that? Would you guys like that? Would you? Who's a good boy!? Who's a good boy!? You are!!!

But really.

Where the fuck does Pat Sajak get off selling vowels? What a complete douche, what a turd sandwich, what a punk ass.Who died and give him the right to go around selling vowels for outrageous prices? Double-You Tee Eff. Plus, Vanna White has a really big head compared to the rest of her body, what's up with that? Ewww.

Did anyone else hear that J-Lo is People's Magizene's sexiest woman for 2011? Go team J-Lo. I knew I was a big fan for a reason, ever since I was like 12. Coincidence? Nah. Can't be.

And another thing! I swear I had more stupid shit to say today, at work I was all over it. I was totally on the stupid shit to bring up ball today.

If your name is Joe please leave now.

I kid though. Don't go Joe. Just die. I mean what? Who? I didn't what? No way.

On a less random and cynical note. I suppose this is where I'd mention stuff about myself. You know. What I'm up too, what I'm doing, some plans I have that are semi related to this blog. Etc. So that being the case, I might try my hand at every different type of writing, for funsies. Like I'm going to start writing a really shitty book, just to try it, I might write some really shitty song lyrics, just to suck ass at it, maybe an article or two, maybe some poetry, maybe even a research type paper thing, who the frak knows? I'll just go crazy. It'll be a good time.

Speaking of you people, really? Who the hell has been waiting around for 2 und heif weeks for me to post again? Shouldn't you all be gone? Or had have given up? What kind of sad lives do you live that you've actually been waiting for me to post again about my own sad life. Get a hobby.

I mean that with love of course.

Expect my next post to be...what do you think? Like Monday or something? We should decide this right now. What days I update. Lets have a little pow-wow about it and everything. Okay, since I don't have time to wait around for you all to not answer my question, I'll decide like Monday and Thursday? Good idea me. I get a golden star. You all get to ***** with a **** and ***** off.

p.s. I had to add this, which was not in my original post.

First of all. I forgot to mention. The wisdom teeth thing went absolutely wonderful. Turns out I'm super human and didn't feel any pain afterwards, didn't need to take any of my drugs, and my jaw healed up really quick and everything went super perfect. It's like I'm a jaw-healing-machine. Wouldn't that be a shitty super power? Healing jaws quickly? Man that would blow.

Also, I want to say, looking in the blogs stats, there is a section of things people searched for on google that brought them here. Some of those things are just god damned hilarious. Here are some examples...

"awards for doing drugs, I'd have a shit ton." - My favorite.

"if a tree falls on a priest?" - Also pretty good

"what's more than a shit tons?" - Not great but still kind of a funny question. And I answered it.

"ray william johnson shitton fuckload" - A fun RayWilliamJohnson reference, he is Youtube famous.